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PETA Launches Campaign to End Anti-Animal Language

A satirical look at current events!

PETA Launches Campaign to End Anti-Animal Language: The animal's rights group is being heavily criticized for comparing "anti-animal" idioms to racism, homophobia, and other discriminatory language. And don’t I know it! I mean, my cat’s reported me to PETA numerous times for using anti-animal language around the house with such cruel, hateful phrases like “it’s time for your bath,” or “now get down off the kitchen drainboard,” and of course, perhaps the most heinous phrase of them all - “now get in your carrier, we’re going to see the vet.”

Finnish Scientists Develop First-Ever Vaccine for Dying Bees: Scientists in Finland say they may have a way to save the dying bee population, as they have just developed an edible vaccine for the prominent and deadly bacterial disease “American Foulbrood," which spreads very rapidly and destroys entire honeybee populations. Researchers say that now they’ve finished working on the vaccine, here comes the hard part - trying to convince the bee’s insurance to cover it.

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Jurassic-Era Sea Monster Preserved in Its Blubber and Skin: According to a new report in the journal Nature, scientists have identified an extraordinary specimen of fossilized blubber from a ‘fish-lizard’ that lived 180 million years ago during the Jurassic-era. Now come on, why all the “blubber” talk? What’s the point of fat-shaming some beast that lived over 180 million years ago anyway? Hell, it isn’t like they had to run around trying to look hot in some skimpy, tight-fitting outfit. If these beasts looked hot, it was only because something was caught in their gills - so how about laying off all the blubber talk?

Kid Rock Booted As Grand Marshall Of Nashville’s Christmas Parade: Super Trump supporter Kid Rock has been booted as grand marshal of the Nashville Christmas Parade after referring to Joy Behar of ABC’s “The View” with an expletive - live on Fox News. Well, I think the polite thing for President Trump to do would be to offer Kid Rock a job as grand marshal of that military parade he’s been hoping for.

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Physicists Still Struggling to Fully Explain Black Holes: Physics cannot describe what happens inside a black hole where current theories break down, and general relativity collides with quantum mechanics, creating what's called a “singularity” - or a point at which the equations spit out infinities. When asked while leaving a popular nightspot if she’d care to comment on those singularities, Kim Kardashian said “sorry fellas, but I make it a point never to address theoretical physics equations when I’m in heels.”

New Data Show Married Couples Now a Minority: In a trend that’s been building for decades, new data from are indicating that less than half of US households are now comprised of couples who are married. Researchers are looking into whether the decline could be due to an acute shortage of wedding chapels.

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