President Trump Demands Identity of Anonymous NYT Writer

President Trump Demands Identity of Anonymous NYT Writer: President Donald Trump is demanding that the New York Times reveal the identity of the “Senior Administration Official” who wrote the scathing op-ed piece about him, claiming the government needs to know who it was for "national security reasons.” At first I thought it has to be Melania, but then it occurred to me - if she had, the op-ed would have probably sounded a lot more like something Bela Lugosi wrote than it did. One thing’s for sure, if the White House does find that Melania wrote it, expect her to be taking more time off to get additional work done on her kidneys.

Roy Moore Sues Sacha Baron Cohen for $95 Million: Former Alabama Supreme Court chief justice Roy Moore is suing Sacha Baron Cohen, Showtime and CBS for $95 million for defamation and intentional infliction of emotional distress after being tricked into appearing on Cohen’s show in an episode that implied that he is a pedophile. Gee, I could be wrong here, but if Moore sues Cohen for defamation, when he goes to court, won’t he be “exposing himself” to all sorts of unwanted questions about his shady interactions with underage girls? After all, let’s not forget it was “exposing himself” that got him in this situation in the first place.

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Man Named Stoner Busted for Illegal Pot Plants: A 42-year-old Virginia man who’s last name is Stoner, is facing drug charges after police found more than $10,000 worth of marijuana plants at his home. Police arrested the man - even though he kept insisting he didn’t do anything “bong.”

Wizard of Oz Slippers Recovered 13 Years After Stolen: The world’s most recognizable pair of shoes, the famous Ruby Slippers worn by actress Judy Garland in the fabled 1939 movie "Wizard of Oz,” have been recovered 13 years after they were stolen in the dead of night from a shattered glass case at the Judy Garland Museum. Rumors are swirling that the FBI has evidence Rudy Giuliani had them stashed away in his closet all the years, but President Trump is demanding the FBI call off the damn “witch hunt.”

Four More Mass Residents Test Positive for West Nile Virus: Massachusetts health officials say four more people have tested positive for the potentially deadly West Nile Virus, bringing this year’s total in the state to nine. Trump Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar admitted to reporters that he and his staff were completely caught off guard, adding that no one on his department had the slightest idea the Nile even ran through Massachusetts.

Conservation Group to Give Orangutans to Get Apple iPads: As strange as it may sound, orangutans may soon join the ranks of proud iPad owners, as a conservation group is testing its new "Apps for Apes" program, allowing orangutans to communicate with each other via the iPad's video chat technology. Yea, and it all sounds hunky-dory until one of them needs tech support - but then again, I suppose there’s an Ape for that too.

Woman Kills Husband by Putting Eye Drops in Drinking Water: Police say a South Carolina woman has been charged with murder after she allegedly poisoned her husband by putting over-the-counter eye drops in his drinking water. Wow, who knew eye drops were a poison you could use to murder someone? Guess these eye drops can do a bit more than just "get the red out.” As they say, you learn something new every day - hopefully, other murderers didn’t also.

Apple’s First Self-Driving Car Accident Ruled Human Error: DMV officials say the first car crash experienced by Apple's fleet of self-driving vehicles was apparently caused by a human driver rear-ending Apple’s car - and not Apple's own technology. Fortunately, all repairs were completely covered by Apple’s three year AppleCare warranty, although customers found it extremely difficult pulling the car up to the Apple Store’s Genius Bar for service without knocking over and smashing everything setting on the display tables.

NASA Will Pay $750,000 to Convert CO2 Into Other Molecules: When the US finally launches manned missions to Mars, they’ll need to bring just about everything along with them, so NASA just announced the “CO2 Conversion Challenge,” which asks teams of scientists and inventors to come up with a way to turn CO2 into molecules that can be used to produce all manner of things. OK, I’ll get started on it right away. In the meantime, can I get half the money up front so I can get the research started and the other half when I come up the answer? Hell, I can already turn baked beans into methane, that oughta be worth something. On the other hand, if they’re really that desperate for an answer, why not just ask Matt Damon?

Royal Family Stunned Prince Harry Skipped Hunting Tradition: The royal family is reportedly shocked that Prince Harry skipped out on the royal grouse hunt which has been a tradition since 1853, because of Meghan Markle’s strong opposition to animal cruelty. Now I realize I should care deeply about this - but oddly enough, it doesn’t seem that I do - go figure! So they decided not to kill bunch of birds and went to see a play instead? Perhaps they are human after all. Anyway, even if they didn’t go grouse hunting, Harry and Meghan did manage to “kill-off” a couple of pints of Newcastle Brown Ale after watching Hamilton. I mean, that oughta count for something.

Trials on Beneficial effects of Microdosing LSD Set To Begin: A novel experiment launching this month will investigate whether microdosing LSD really does have benefits - which many Silicon Valley geeks have been taking to sharpen their thinking and enhance creativity. Researchers say that while all this “mind enhancement” stuff may be interesting, what they really wanna know is if all those hippies way back in the 60’s were right when they shouted “its all energy man!”

Creationist Claims Dinosaurs Were on Noah’s Ark: Noted creationist Carl Kerby claims that dinosaurs did accompany Noah on his Ark as the entire world was flooded, but only the younger ones. Wait a minute! You’re telling me that on top of everything else poor Noah had on his plate when the flood hit, he then had to run down to the Ark’s entrance and check dinosaur ID’s to make sure older dinos weren’t trying and sneak in?

NC Woman Guilty of Feeding Husbands Ex to Alligators: A North Carolina woman has been found guilty of trying to feed the remains of her husband’s ex-girlfriend they had killed and tried unsuccessfully to dissolve in muriatic acid - to the alligators. During sentencing, the judge cautioned citizens that North Carolina strictly enforces their “don’t feed the alligators” laws.

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Oregon’s Last Heart Transplant Surgeon Resigns: The last remaining doctor in Oregon's only heart transplant program has suddenly resigned from the program, leaving the state with no medical facilities that can perform the life-saving procedure. When asked why they didn’t inform patients immediately, hospital officials say they really wanted to, but just didn’t have the heart to do it.

People Angry Over Ariana Grande’s Minidress at Aretha Franklin's Funeral: Social media ripped into Ariana Grande over her wardrobe decision to wear a short black minidress and stiletto heels choice at Aretha Franklin’s funeral. All I can say is, Bill Clinton was sitting right behind her while she was singing and he seemed to be OK with it.