Prosecutors May Charge Teen Who Pushed Her Friend Off Bridge

Prosecutors May Charge Teen Who Pushed Her Friend Off Bridge: Prosecutors in Washington will consider charging an 18-year-old teen who pushed her 16-year-old friend off a bridge in Vancouver, Wash, sending her plummeting 60 feet to the river below and leaving her with several broken ribs, a bruised esophagus and an injured trachea. My guess is that she will not only be looking at some serious legal issues, but she also faces the possibility of getting unfriended on Facebook. That said, I fully understand why prosecutors are just “considering” charges. After all, they don’t wanna just “jump” to conclusions. And to make matters even worse, I hear the Russian judges only gave the poor girl a 6 for style and form on her jump.

Khloé Kardashian on Vacation in Mexico: The tabloids are reporting that reality star Khloé Kardashian has been showing off her “beach body” while vacationing in Puerto Vallarta. First off, I’d like to know why it is that every Bigfoot picture always seems so grainy and slightly out of focus? But come on, she’s on vacation from what - shopping sprees in Beverly Hills? Isn’t her entire life more or less a vacation?

Mystery Hairy Sea Monster Washes Up on Siberian Beach: The remains of what is being described as a giant, hairy monster have been discovered washed up on the shore of the Pacific side Bering Sea, leaving local residents speculating as to what it could possibly be. While I’m certainly no marine biologist, my guess is that its either one of the Kardashian sisters without makeup, an old Trump toupée or a Hairy Houdini.

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Former Tennessee Vice Mayor Caught Masturbating: Three women have testified that a former Mt. Carmel, Tenn. Vice Mayor William Blakely honked to get their attention, then proceeded to masturbate while behind the wheel while driving over 90 miles per hour. All I can say is, thank goodness he wasn’t texting also. Now I’m not quite sure whether he was driving or whacking at 90 MPH, but one thing’s for sure, now we know why he was the “vice mayor.” Anyway, if you ask me - this guy needs to get a grip on himself.

Study Finds More Guns Being Allowed On College Campuses: A new study found that more colleges and universities nationwide are now permitting students to bring guns onto campus. Call me old-fashioned, I’m old enough to remember back when students were still carrying books to school - not AK47’s.

Bacon Festival Attendees Lodge Complaints with Maryland Attorney General: Bacon fans alerted authorities after they allegedly paid $125 for an all-you-can-eat Bacon Music festival and only received just a few strips of bacon. Festival organizers say the only reason concert goers complained was because someone was “egging” them on.

Over 300 Priests Involved in Pennsylvania Catholic Church Sex Abuse: According to a sweeping grand jury report, more than 300 Catholic priests across Pennsylvania sexually abused children over seven decades, protected by a hierarchy of church leaders who covered it up. Excuse me, but what the hell do you expect from an institution founded on Peter?

Blood Pressure Medication Recalled Because it Causes Cancer: An FDA investigation has triggered a recall of over 50 different medications which contain a drug called Valsartan that has been known to cause cancer. No big deal, the drug company also offers a cancer medication they can sell you. On a positive note - if someone got cancer, I guess it would effectively resolve their blood pressure issue.

New Robot Named Cheetah Breaks Speed Record: The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency says a new robot they call “Cheetah,” is capable of running 18mph - a record for a machine with legs. Meanwhile, skeptics want the robot tested for performance-enhancing software.

Trump Backs Boycott of Harley Davidson in Steel Tariff Dispute: President Trump hosted a "Bikers for Trump” rally at his golf club in Bedminister, New Jersey this past weekend, telling supporters he is all for boycotting Harley Davidson in the latest salvo in a dispute between the company and the President over Trump’s tariffs on steel. Gee, an American President calling for the boycott of not one, but two of America’s most prominent symbols - the NFL and Harley Davidson. That’s an interesting approach to “Make America Great Again.” Well, I guess it could be worse, he could be attacking all our NATO and G7 allies - and coddling up to dictators in places like Russia, the Philippines and North Korea. Oh, wait.

Florida Utility Workers Find Fossil Thousands of Years Old: Utility workers have dug up a mammoth fossil in Cape Coral, which excited archaeologists believe could be tens of thousands of years old. So what’s the big deal about that? Hell, Florida has senior citizens sitting around in nursing home day rooms who are older than that.

More Women Survive Heart Attacks With Female Doctors: Research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that a woman is more likely to be taken seriously and survive a heart attack if she receives care from a female emergency room doctor. No kidding! The male doctor will just assume the female patient is pretending to be having a heart attack as an excuse not to have sex with him.

Trump 2020 Campaign Wants to Sell Space Force Gear: President Donald Trump’s 2020 campaign wants to start selling a new Space force themed line of merchandise, and they are soliciting the public’s votes on which design to use. Why I think its just ridiculous wasting the public’s time over something like this when its blatantly obvious that the person they need to be talking to is Mel Brooks. Then, all they’ll need to do is sign the papers so China can begin making them. Now, if he can just figure out how to get the Space Aliens to pay for it all, we’ll be all set.

Face-Eating Monkey Dust Drug Epidemic Spreading in UK: A drug called “monkey dust” - also known as “bath salts” here in the US - which causes people to jump from high buildings and even try to eat people’s faces - is spreading in the UK. The fact that it males you want to eat faces is precisely why I never take the drug on an empty stomach.

El Salvador Celebrates Its First Murder-Free Day: The Central American country of El Salvador which is constantly plagued by bloodthirsty gangs, has finally recorded its first day without someone being shot to death in over three years. Unfortunately, everyone chose to celebrate the milestone by firing their guns in the air - which pretty quickly put an end to that streak.

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Study Finds Salt Not as Unhealthy as Previously Thought: While the World Health Organization recommends cutting sodium intake to no more than 2g a day, a controversial new study claims that salt probably isn’t as damaging to health as was usually claimed. Oh yea? Well try telling that to the poor slugs.

Men Who Wear Boxers More Fertile Than Men Who Wear Briefs: According to a broad study, men who wear tight-fitting briefs for underwear have significantly weaker sperm counts then those who wear boxers. Geez, no wonder I never had children. In that case, I think I’ll have my lawyer file a legal “brief" against my underwear.

New Data Show Animal Kingdom Much Older Than Previously Thought: The latest scientific findings suggest that the arrival of most animal species happened during the Cambrian explosion 541 million years ago, meaning the animal kingdom is much older than previously thought. Good grief, are you telling me even animals have been lying about their age? Guess its not just for Hollywood stars anymore. Welcome to the age of Trump.