Scientists Puzzled by How the Octopus Got to Be So Smart

Scientists Puzzled by How the Octopus Got to Be So Smart: One of the things that has puzzled scientists for a long time now is how intelligent animals actually got to be that way - especially cephalopods such as the octopus. Frankly, I’m less concerned about why the octopus is so smart as I am about why the “Octomom” is so dumb.

Slaughterhouse Selling Meat From Cows With Eye Cancer: It’s being reported that a Bay Area slaughterhouse has been knowingly selling meat that came from cows with eye cancer. Well then, guess that pretty much explains why their death certificates were written in braille.

Large Asteroid Might Collide With Earth In 2023: Scientists say large asteroid packing 50 megatons of force, could be headed toward us in the near future - barreling through space on a risk trajectory that might cause it to collide with Earth as early as 2023. Scientists say that while this is certainly a pretty frightening prospect, the good news is that it’s likely to be a direct hit on Cleveland.

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LeAnn Rimes Sues Over Botched Dental Work: LeAnn Rimes is suing her dentist, claiming he botched up her mouth so badly, that it's messing up her career. I can totally relate - my big mouth made a mess out of my career too, but it would be a real stretch to try and blame that on my dentist.

Neil deGrasse Tyson Sexual Misconduct Claims Being Investigated: Fox and the producers of the television series “Cosmos” have announced they’ve opened an investigation into multiple sexual misconduct claims against the show’s host, famed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. Now I, of course, can’t really address these allegations, but I do know that Neil deGrasse Tyson was one of the primary people responsible for Pluto being downgraded from a planet to a dwarf planet. This may very well be Pluto’s revenge. And while I don’t know very much about astronomy, the one thing I do know is when you start messing with Pluto - you’d better watch Uranus.

Richard Branson Taking Submarine Down World's Largest Sinkhole: In the first mission of its kind, Jacques Cousteau's grandson and Sir Richard Branson are plunging in a submarine into the deep, dark bottom of what has been named "The Great Blue Hole” - a cavern large enough to swallow two Boeing 747s with room to spare - located off the country of Belize. Well, if he does runs into any trouble, I suppose Elon Musk can always come by and rescue him. Now personally, I much prefer to experience an adventure like that on my 4K TV - lying back on my couch with plenty of snacks and beverages on hand.

Cat Poop Home To Life-Threatening Parasites: According to new research published in Trends in Parasitology, cat feces is known to carry a highly infectious parasite that can cause many serious issues including negatively impacting academic performance in school children. So kids, next time your mom complains about your bad grades, tell her to stop insisting you clean out the damn litter box.

Chinese Scientist Uses Crispr to Make First Genetically Edited Babies: In what is being described as both a profound leap of science and ethics, a scientist in China announced that he had created the world’s first genetically edited babies, altering a gene in the embryos that would make the babies resistant to HIV infection. Of course, everyone will complain like crazy about the ethics of this technology - at least until their favorite NBA team sends their newly recruited 8’9” center out on the court.

MIT Scientists Create A Plane That Flies With No Moving Parts: Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology (MIT) have created a plane with an ion drive that flies - even though it has no moving parts whatsoever. Hell, what’s the big deal about that? I mean, as far I could tell - every time I had sex with my ex, she had absolutely no moving parts either.

New Theory Claims Volcanoes in India Killed Dinosaurs: According to a new theory, the dinosaurs didn’t actually go extinct because of an asteroid, but by volcanic activity in what is now modern-day India. Geologists went on to add that apparently, the only things in the area that survived the massive cataclysm were all the call centers.

Scientists Say 536 AD Was Worst Year in Human History: Scientists say that the year 536 AD was most likely the worst year ever for humanity, as an Icelandic volcano unleashed a cloud of black ash that blocked out the sun for years, coinciding with an outbreak of bubonic plague and a piercing cold snap - resulting in massive crop fails, starvation, years of darkness and squalor everywhere. Oh for God’s sake, please don’t mention that to President Trump. He’ll wanna nuke Iceland’s volcanos. On a positive note, Iceland’s most active volcano is spelled Eyjafjallajökull, so good luck with typing that into your nuclear GPS system Mr Trump.

Scientists May Have Discovered New Species on Deep Dive: Research scientists say they’re really excited about discovering what very well may be several new species after 22 days of deep diving in the waters off Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands. So what’s the big deal about finding a few “new species?” I mean, did they think there was something wrong with the old ones?

Trump Attacks CIA, Migrants, Judges and Hillary in Thanksgiving Call to Troops: During his Thanksgiving message to the troops, President Trump said he’s most grateful for the tremendous difference he’s made for the country - then went on to renounce recent CIA findings, threaten Mexico, criticize court decisions, attack Hillary Clinton over her emails, misstate facts about the economy and then float the possibility of shutting down the government. So, if I understand his message correctly, he’s basically grateful for himself. But I can honestly understand his frustration during Thanksgiving - after all, he’s been in office nearly two years, and he thinks it’s about time that he was given his own holiday.

Health Officials Concerned About Two Human Cases of Rat Hepatitis: Researchers say they are deeply concerned and surprised after finding a second patient in Hong Kong who has contracted a strain of hepatitis carried by rats, in what appears to be the first known human cases in the world. Well, it isn’t as if we haven’t been warned about this years ago. I can still hear the great Jimmy Cagney yelling “you dirty rats!” Ever vigilant, virologists around the world pledge to binge-watch all the old Jimmy Cagney movies over the weekend to see if they contain any advance warnings about other mammals who may cause additional health problems for humans.

NASA Officially Announces Landing Site for Mars 2020 Rover: NASA has finally revealed the site where it has decided to land its Mars Rover in 2020. Spoiler alert for all you Trump supporters out there - it’s gonna be on Mars. Meanwhile, I have two important questions - 1) will the first human baby born on Mars be legally entitled to call itself a Martian and 2) is pot gonna be legal on Mars?

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CDC Issues Nationwide Warning Not Eat Romaine Lettuce: Just as millions of Americans were preparing for the biggest food holiday of the year, CDC officials issued a warning not buy or eat romaine lettuce - restaurants should stop serving it and anyone who has it on hand should throw it out and clean the refrigerator immediately. When asked about the situation, President Trump told reporters he’s not really concerned - because only liberals eat romaine lettuce. In related news, law enforcement officials expressed concern that now the warning has gone public, mass killers may switch from guns to romaine lettuce.

Trump’s Deployment Of Troops to Border to Cost $72 Million: The Pentagon says President Trump’s deployment of 5,900 active-duty troops to the southern border will cost taxpayers a staggering sum of at least $72 million. No problem - just fax the invoice over to Trump Tower. On the other hand, I suppose it’s kind of a bargain when compared to all his golf outings.

Palace Aids Tell Meghan to Stop Dressing Like Hollywood Star: The Duchess of Sussex is reportedly in hot water with the Royals for refusing to follow “royal dress protocol” instead of the more fashionable, laid-back outfits she frequently wears. Meghan, I can totally relate. I mean, back in the day, my grandmother didn’t often like what the hell I wore either.