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Trump Claims the People Would Revolt if He’s Impeached
A satirical look at current events!
Trump Claims the People Would Revolt if He’s Impeached: Donald Trump told reporters that he is “not at all concerned” about the threat of impeachment because “the people would revolt if that ever happened.” While I fully agree that Trump supporters are revolting, I think in this instance he may be a bit confused and accidentally mixed up the words “revolt” and “rejoice.”
Factory Leak Sends Tons of Chocolate Cascading Onto German Street: A technical defect in a delivery tank at the artisan chocolate factory DreiMeiste in the west German town of Werl, caused a colossal amount of molten chocolate to cascade down the middle of a road before solidifying in a rock-hard mess. Firefighters had hoped to have the mess all cleaned up before the weekend, but now it looks as though they won’t be finished until sundae.
Michael Cohen Describes Trump Organization as a Cult: After being sentenced to three years in federal prison, former Trump lawyer and enforcer Michael Cohen explained it all to a friend by admitting “I got caught up in a cult.” Well, then it’s too bad he left so soon - because I have a feeling they’re gonna be serving-up a nice batch of delicious orange Kool-Aid in the not-too-distant future.
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Internet Abuzz Over Pence’s Catatonic Posture at Meeting: Vice President Mike Pence set social media on fire after he was observed during the President’s contentious meeting with Democratic congressional leaders for being so still - that many began wondering if he was actually a cardboard cutout. Come on, give the poor guy a break - perhaps he was just in a (Mike) pensive mood. Now my take is that Pence was simply praying Pelosi doesn’t "Basic Instinct" him during the meeting - after all, “mother” wasn’t there and we all know he’s not supposed to be in a room with women unless “mother” is accompanying him.
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Excessive Screen Time Changes Children’s Brain Structures: According to a landmark US study, young people who spend more than seven hours a day staring at a screen have different brain structures compared to the average child. And that’s why it’s so important to provide your child with a device that has the highest screen resolution possible. After all, you don’t want your child to grow up with only a 720P view of the world.
Climate Change Reduces Arctic Reindeer Population by Half: A new report on the impact of climate change in the Arctic revealed that Arctic reindeer numbers have fallen from 5 million to just 2.1 million animals. North Pole officials caution that if global warming isn’t addressed and reindeer numbers continue to decline, Santa may have no choice but to go with a self-driving sleigh this Christmas. When asked to comment on the matter, Trump Acting EPA Director Andrew Wheeler said “ah come on, there ain’t no Santee Claus.”
Thoughts on My Day Trip to Tijuana: Well, just drove back from Mexico and funny thing - all those disease-ridden, angry, rock-throwing, evil people Trump and Fox News warn us about every hour on the hour - were completely non-existent. Gee, is it possible that Trump and Fox News could have been lying through their teeth? The answer, of course, is no - but that's only because most Trump supporters don’t even have enough teeth to lie through.
Crying Nazi Threatens About Army of Fanatics Willing to Die: After white supremacist James Fields was convicted of the first-degree murder of counter-protestor Heather Heyer during the Charlottesville alt-right rally, “Crying Nazi” Christopher Cantwell claimed Fields is innocent and warned that there is an “army of fanatics willing to die” over this matter. Which may be so, but one thing’s for sure - from the looks of this guy, it doesn’t look like it’s gonna be starvation that kills him.
CDC Issues Warning Against Eating Raw Cookie Dough: Ahead of the holiday season, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is urging consumers not to eat raw cookie dough, cake mix or bread. The agency added that if you simply must consume raw dough, try and limit it to just one lick per bowl. In related news, the CDC also issued yet another warning to ardent Trump supporters - about the dangers of eating paint chips.
IRS Says Many Millionaires Paid No Taxes At All: The IRS is reporting that a total of 1,470 millionaires paid no federal income taxes at all in the year 2009. Of course, the millionaires always claim they’re using all that windfall cash to create jobs. Yea, sure they do - the only problem is, all those jobs happen to be in India and China.
