Trump Sends US Troops to Install Razor Wire on Mexico Border

Trump Sends US Troops to Install Razor Wire on Mexico Border: As a purported defense against Central American migrants, President Trump has dispatched US troops to the US-Mexican border who have started erecting fences and laying out very sharp razor wire, an action which many are dismissing as a cruel “political stunt” on the eve of midterm elections. OK, but in his defense, President Trump knows those migrants have been traveling on a long, hard journey and perhaps the “razor” wire is because he knows many of them will need a shave when they finally arrive.

Republican Candidate’s Children Warn Against Voting for Him: While enormously popular in his district, Republican candidate Steve West - who has, in the past, stated be believes “Hitler was right” and who doesn’t believe Jews, gays and people of color deserve even basic civil rights - now has his own family, including his children - warning voters in Missouri against electing their “fanatic” father to the state assembly. Good grief, I’m pretty sure there’s a name for people like him, and I believe its “moderate Republican.” What puzzles me is, with a resume like his, why isn’t he already working in the White House?

Melania Trump Runs Up $95K Bill for One Day at Hotel: A federal spending report shows that Melania Trump racked up a $95,000 hotel bill for a single day at the Semiramis Intercontinental Cairo during her visit to Egypt last month for a room that was only $550 a night. Good grief, sounds like all this “draining the swamp” the Trump’s are doing for us can get quite expensive.

Trump Visits Pittsburgh to Console Jewish Mourners: Amid thousands of protestors, President Donald Trump visited the Pittsburgh synagogue to offer condolences to Jewish worshipers who were mourning the 11 people shot to death during Sabbath prayers. Why, what a sweet gesture for the Trumps to go and offer condolences to mourners at a synagogue that was all shot up by one of his rabid followers who committed the crime after becoming all fired up by the President’s inflammatory, conspiracy theory-laden speeches. And look, it kind of appears that Melania may have even brought pizza for everyone to snack on. It doesn’t get sweeter than that!

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Trump to Sign Executive Order to End Birthright Citizenship: Declaring that “birthright citizenship has to end,” President Trump promised loyal followers he will sign an executive order to end the centuries-long, 14th amendment-protected practice. Gee, apparently Trump must have mistakenly thought he had taken an oath to “deflect and destroy” the Constitution.

New Research Shows Neanderthals Not Hunched-Over Cavemen: By using 3D virtual reconstruction of a Neanderthal ribcage, scientists determined that Neanderthals were not the stereotypical “hunched-over and barrel-chested cavemen” that we had previously assumed they were. In fact, it turns out they weren’t cavemen at all, and many owned fashionable condos just a tad west of Cleveland on the shores of Lake Erie. Good grief, if these researchers are correct, then I’d say we owe Neanderthals and their descendants shopping in Walmart stores all across America - a pretty big apology.

New Study Looks at Married Women and Sex: A new study found that while most married women say they still value sex, two thirds say they would much rather be doing something else such as going to the spa, watching a movie, using Facebook or just chatting with friends. Wait a minute - men enjoy all those activities too - just as long as they’re gonna lead up to sex.

Americans Throw Away a Pound of Food Every Day: It’s been determined that Americans waste or throw out a pound of food a day on average. Oh really - because with US obesity rates running upwards of 40%, it sounds more like we’ve been throwing food down a lot more than throwing food out.

Televangelist Claims if Democrats Win They’ll Slaughter Thousands Of Christians: Christian TV host Rick Wiles is warning his viewers that if Democrats win back power, they will slaughter “tens of thousands of Christians.” I’ll tell you what, this guy knows what the hell he’s talking about, cause I’ve seen them myself - tens of millions of them - well-trained and heavily-armed Democrat, communist atheists - just sitting around drinking their cafe lattes, cussing and swearing, watching CNN and Robert De Niro movies , mocking President Trump, reading science books, baking wedding cakes for gay people and having abortions - all this, while they wait for George Soros to give the order to attack. It’s not very pretty my friend.

Survey Finds Very Few Smokers Know Sugar is Added to Cigarettes: A new survey suggests that very few smokers are aware that sugar has been added to cigarettes and that that added sugar increases the toxins in cigarette smoke. That’s why most dentists will tell you that if you must smoke, you’re much better off smoking crack.

Owning a Cat Increases Women’s Risk of Committing Suicide: A new study has discovered a link between women who own cats and women who tried to kill themselves - pointing out that parasites cats carry can cause mental illness. So, if I’m understanding this suicide data correctly, these cats should basically be considered as kind of “Kitty Kevorkians."

Vintage German Plane Crashes Onto California Freeway: Fortunately, no one was injured as a vintage German aircraft with markings of Germany’s Luftwaffe, crashed onto the 101 Freeway in the Los Angeles area and burst into flames. Now I’m certainly so aviation expert, but I do know this - if there was a beagle at the controls of the other plane, then Snoopy wins again!

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Taller People at Greater Risk of Cancer: New research has suggests taller people have a significantly greater risk of cancer because they are bigger and so have more cells in their bodies in which dangerous cancerous mutations can occur. Well, I guess that’s basically the long and the short of it. Meanwhile, health officials have begun urging taller people to walk hunched-over with the hope cancer cells won’t realize how tall you actually are.

Shallow Waters Allowed Early Creatures to Experiment With Evolution: New research suggests that “shallow marine environments” were a critical testbed for these early animals, providing the perfect space for them to evolve the physical characteristics required for them to move beyond their nearshore cradle. While I’m no marine biologist, I think its pretty obvious that “shallowness” was also a key trait in the evolution of creatures like the Kardashians.

Divorce Rates Higher When Men Do Household Chores: A new study out of Norway found that divorce rates are far higher when men help with the housework and much lower when women do all the chores. So guys, the next time your wife tells you to take out the trash - ask her if that means she wants a divorce.