July Ask Nicole: Practical solutions to everyday parenting challenges

-By Nicole M. Young, MSW

As we celebrate our nation’s independence this month, I’m reminded of the role that independence plays in parenting. As infants, my children were dependent on me for food, shelter, love, safety and dry diapers. I loved being their caregiver and protector, but was thrilled when they could eat, get dressed and use the bathroom on their own. Of course, the trade-off for regaining some of my freedom was the difficult task of encouraging my children’s independence without being controlling or letting go too soon.

It’s hard work, and my husband and I don’t always get it right. We now have a “tween” and a teen. We can’t believe we’re talking about teaching our son to drive soon. It’s hard to imagine him driving when he still needs reminders to get up in the morning or pack his lunch. If you can relate to this challenge of raising kids to be independent, keep reading this month’s tips and ideas based on the world-renowned Triple P Positive Parenting Program, available to families in Santa Cruz County. If you have a question for a future monthly column, please email me at triplep@first5scc.org.

Dear Nicole,

My 16-year-old son has always been a good kid, but lately he’d rather spend time at friends’ houses. He gets annoyed when I ask him where he’s going and what time he’ll be home.  When he’s home, he doesn’t want to eat with us or do his chores. I’m really stressed about the arguments we keep having over these issues. I feel it’s important he understands that he’s still a part of this family, which means he’s expected to follow our rules and help out around the house. Am I being unreasonable?

Maricela, Capitola

Dear Maricela,

It’s completely reasonable to want good communication and shared responsibility at home! It sounds as though your son is like many teens who want more independence without strings attached. He’s just a couple years away from being considered an adult, so he may feel it’s time for his parents to be more hands-off. Meanwhile, you’re left staring at dirty dishes, wading through piles of laundry and trying to make sense of mumbled responses to your questions. Sound familiar? All joking aside, here are few tips to help you navigate this phase:

Create shared expectations and agreements: Sit down with your son and create a few simple agreements you can both live with. Since he is an older teen, try giving him more responsibility for creating the agreements he needs to follow in order to gain the freedom he wants. Let him know your expectations – such as helping with chores, eating dinner with the family a certain number of nights per week, or communicating with you about his plans. Then ask your son what he needs or wants from you – perhaps it’s privacy or fewer questions about his plans. Ask him to propose some agreements that feel reasonable to both of you. For example, let him decide what days of the week he will clean his room, what nights of the week he will eat dinner at home, and how he will keep you informed about his plans with friends. Have him write down the agreements so that you can both remember them.   

Maintain a connection:  Spending time with parents probably won’t make it to the top of the list of favorite things to do for most 16-year-olds. However, despite your son’s growing interest in more independence, he needs to know you care about him, as well as his responsibilities and commitments. Find time every day to check in with your son, such as by sending a short text, having a conversation at dinnertime, or attending an activity he’s involved in.

Use logical and natural consequences

When you set expectations and agreements, talk with your son about what will happen if he doesn’t follow through on his end of the agreement. This is another area where it’s helpful to give him the responsibility for deciding what “consequences” are fair and logical. For example, if he comes home past his agreed-upon curfew, a logical consequence might be that he stays home the next time he is invited out. The point is not to punish your son for forgetting the rules or having momentary lapses in judgment, but to help him learn that self-discipline and responsibility are important aspects of gaining greater independence.

Acknowledge positive changes: When your son following the agreements and participating in family activities, be sure to let him know you’ve noticed and appreciate his efforts.  Hopefully he will do the same when he notices how hard you’re trying to give him more space and freedom!

As parents, it can be both wonderful and difficult to watch our kids spread their wings. With a loving foundation and family, your kids will stay connected to you as they transition from childhood to adolescence to adulthood.

Look for one of Triple P Santa Cruz County’s parenting pocket guides—one provides tips for parents of children up to age 12 and the other is focused on parents of teens. Both pocket guides are free, bilingual and available at various locations throughout the county.

Nicole Young is the mother of two children, ages 10 and 14, who also manages Santa Cruz County’s Triple P - Positive Parenting Program, the world’s leading positive parenting program. Scientifically proven, Triple P is made available locally by First 5 Santa Cruz County, the Santa Cruz County Health Services Agency (Mental Health Services Act) and the Santa Cruz County Human Services Department. For more information, including classes and one-on-one meetings to help parents handle everyday parenting challenges, visit triplep.first5scc.org, www.facebook.com/triplepscc or www.youtube.com/triplepsantacruzco. To find a Triple P class or practitioner, contact First 5 Santa Cruz County at 465-2217 or triplep@first5scc.org.