May Ask Nicole: Practical solutions to everyday parenting challenges

-By Nicole M. Young, MSW

Parenting is hard work—and also incredibly rewarding. Sometimes I think I’m in the movie “Groundhog Day,” reliving the same struggles over morning routines, homework and emotional roller coasters day after day. Other times, nothing else matters except for the laughter, love and sense of purpose my kids bring into my life. They make me a better person and parent. 

If this sounds at all like you, then I’m glad you’re reading this column. It’s my hope that this column provides an opportunity for parents and caregivers like you to ask questions and get answers that help strengthen your relationships with your children (and maintain your sanity). 

This month we’ll cover something that may happen to teens as they get older: loss of interest in team sports. We’ll explore ways to support your child in this situation that is often challenging for parents to navigate. I hope you’ll find value in the following practical tips and ideas based on the world-renowned Triple P Positive Parenting Program, available to families in Santa Cruz County. If you have a question, please drop me a line at triplep@first5scc.org.

Dear Nicole,

After several years of playing softball (and becoming quite good), our 13-year-old daughter doesn’t want to play this year. Playing team sports has always been important in our family because we want our kids to stay active and healthy and learn how to work with others.  We’re concerned that if she quits now, she’ll regret it later and won’t be able to get back on a team. So we made her to go to tryouts. Should we push her to play softball on the team or let her make her own decisions? 

Deborah & Rick, Santa Cruz

Dear Deborah & Rick,

Such a good question you’re asking. There are many factors that could be influencing your daughter’s decision. The transition from middle school to high school is on the horizon. Sports are getting more and more competitive. New interests and socializing with friends may be more important now than in the past. This is all a natural part of your daughter’s development. Although we can’t control hormones and social pressures, we can provide support to help our kids make the best decisions for themselves. Learning how to problem-solve and make decisions are important skills for teens to develop as they become older and more independent. And even though she decided not to play this year, it might not mean her commitment to playing sports is over. 

Here are several strategies you can try to help your daughter think about this decision:

·      Talk with your daughter every day. Have casual conversations about how things are going with her friends, classes and interests, including sports. Hearing about her life outside of the house could help you understand whether she has lost interest in the sport, has anxiety or a lack of confidence in her abilities, or if there is another issue happening. 

·      Coach your daughter to use problem-solving skills. It’s possible that she’s determined to quit softball and will resist any attempts to convince her to play. And yet the part of her brain that controls impulses and plans for the future is still a work-in-progress. You can play an important role by “coaching” her through the decision-making process. 

Try making an observation about her past interest in softball, then ask an open-ended question about what has changed for her. “Last season, you really enjoyed playing softball. What feels different to you this year?”  

·      Notice your daughter’s special skills or interests and encourage her to consider different sports and activities that she would enjoy. If your daughter shows an interest in another sport or activity, help her get involved and explore it.

Letting children make decisions for themselves can be hard. But it’s also an excellent opportunity to learn new ways to connect with your children and teach them valuable life skills. Remember, small changes can make a big difference! 

Look for one of Triple P Santa Cruz County’s parenting pocket guides—one provides tips for parents of children up to age 12, and the other is focused on parents of teens. Both pocket guides are free, bilingual and available at various locations throughout the county.

Nicole Young is the mother of two children, ages 10 and 14, who also manages Santa Cruz County’s Triple P - Positive Parenting Program, the world’s leading positive parenting program. Scientifically proven, Triple P is made available locally by First 5 Santa Cruz County, the Santa Cruz County Health Services Agency (Mental Health Services Act) and the Santa Cruz County Human Services Department. For more information, including classes and one-on-one meetings to help parents handle everyday parenting challenges, visit triplep.first5scc.org, www.facebook.com/triplepscc or www.youtube.com/triplepsantacruzco. To find a Triple P class or practitioner, contact First 5 Santa Cruz County at 465-2217 or triplep@first5scc.org.