Patch Blog: Fat or Fiction?

As a woman of thirty-nine, I can say that I almost accept my body. I say almost because, the fact is, I have been fighting with my body image for so long that the behavior is ingrained in my being. I have tried myriad methods of satiating my inner, image demons, including creams, peels, and surgery. However, these band-aids never successfully barricaded me from my demons. On the contrary, they allowed my demons to dig in deeper where they still savagely hiss their disapproval.

I found the attached photo a few weeks ago, and I have to say I was shocked. How had I ever gotten to that point? Why had no one ever said that I was too skinny? Why did I think I was fat? How had I not recognized that what I was doing was so dangerous? I recall becoming aware of my weight and the idea of dieting at about 12 years old.  This awareness was followed by an obsessive-compulsive fixation on my body, and weight, which clouded my judgment into my mid-thirties.

Starving oneself is remarkably easy to do, after the first few days, and is easily maintained. I found that it was too easy. I typically went for days at a time eating only the minutest of portions. I was partial to bananas.  I did not know anything about eating disorders, and I never spoke to anyone about my need to control my eating.  I binged and purged on an occasion or two, but I just hated the purging part. So, I stuck with the starvation tactic because it was producing the results that I wanted. I managed to bring my weight down to 101 pounds, and I maintained this weight into my early twenties. I remember being painfully disappointed that I could not get my weight under 100 pounds.

I also took up exercise in the hopes that it would further tone my already underweight frame.  I exercised for hours everyday and never did I consider that my body needed fuel to maintain the rigorous pace I was keeping. On several occasions, I fainted due to my low blood sugar; however, no one ever asked why it was so low, so I was able to continue my vicious cycle. I am very lucky to have never developed any of the  serious anorexia nervosa complications such as amenorrhea, kidney damage, or heart problems.       

The behaviors that I practiced for so many years, as a young woman, did not go away as an adult. I had set the tone and would spend years being obsessed about food portions, my weight, and my body. However, as I have grown older and become more educated, I have found that my demons are slowly taking their leave. I still worry about my weight, but I stopped imposing a strict eating regimen on myself when my husband and I got married in 2010. I still exercise, but I keep it in moderation and no longer spend 2-3 hours per day at the gym. I used to imagine, as I ran on the treadmill, that I was running away from all of the things that I couldn't control. I now know that I just needed to accept myself and the rest would work itself out.