Why I'm Grateful to be a Single Parent

The bar is set relatively low for single parents—what with Casey Anthony and Nancy Botwin from "Weeds." In the middle of the first episode, a single mom buddy turned to me and said, “Gee Carla, we’re not so bad after all.”  

On the other hand, one mom wrote an entire story about how Casey Anthony would create substantial backlash for other single moms, and how we had to talk about all the courageous, high-achieving, outstanding mothers there are.

Compared to Anthony, most of us will surely get a Presidential award for keeping food in the refrigerator and being home and sober most nights.

Thanksgiving is a time for remembering things for which we are grateful; it is also a holiday celebrating historic events that, for many people, had an impact that does not evoke gratitude. The Southern Poverty Law Center offers an alternative curriculum: “For some Native Americans, Thanksgiving is no cause for celebration, but rather serves as a reminder of colonization's devastating impact on indigenous peoples.”

This Thanksgiving we decided to talk about another topic engendering a mixed response: what we are grateful for as single parents—including the good parts that no one seems to mention.

Many nights, we go to bed too exhausted to reflect or do anything other than hope that the next day will be better. We wanted to take the time to see beyond the poop, pee and vomit, the putting out of fires, and instead, celebrate the flames and the passion of single parenting. After asking a few local single moms to weigh in, the list was longer than expected.

Here are just a few:

Spontaneity can rule: Go ahead and eat your dinner on a picnic while hiking up Eaton Canyon. You can hop on a train, couch surf, find a cheap hotel, or a luxurious one, or crash with your surrogate Los Angeles family on a specially-made floor-bed after a “stomach-warming” Christmas. There’s no one to report to, to say you can’t afford it, or to tell you to be home in time to make dinner. And you can save money when they are little if you buy a “kids meal.”

Kids learn to be resourceful, flexible and independent: They can rely on more than just the standard nuclear family. My son’s two uncles will be teaching him how to drive, and he had one godmother, “Aunty Nana,” just responsible for birthday parties. You tend to form your own make-shift community with other single moms, and you can access community resources offering mentors and other role models such as Big Brothers/Big Sisters and Coach Jeff Brown Pasadena YES.

More then one single parent used the word freedom: Freedom to parent, to discipline, to plan meals—or not—without another person telling you how to do it.

As Katie explained, “When you parent together as a couple, there's a lot of energy spent putting up a united front, compromising and agreeing before you act. You get to bypass that sort of thing when you're on your own. If there is some other adult you have to deal with, their presence changes the dynamic and you get that  'triangulation' thing.”    

Another mom put it this way, “it’s the big hurt and the blessing”—you miss the negotiation piece of working it out with another partner but sometimes that’s easier.”

Being a non-custodial stepparent, while not my first choice, has its advantages. My step-daughter has three other moms, and I have my own distinct relationship with her, a “Disneyland Mommy” of sorts—not the homework mom, not the daily taskmaster—it’s a treat for both of us to spend time together. And distinct from the relationship with my son, to whom I am a full-time parent. I’m forever grateful for her hugs and good company.

There is a positive intensity that occurs with one parent and one child that is breathtaking. Most of us see it as something to be feared. You could overpower your child with your “big” emotions, or they could overpower you—and you might find yourself locked up and gagged in the closet. You dread becoming more of a roommate than a parental figure, particularly during adolescence when the house looks more like a dorm, and you find yourself doing some version of parallel play. 

A friend without children describes my relationship with my son: “The two of you are like a marriage that lasts for better or worse—always there for each other, working on something that is like an art piece, evolving, organic, even the hard stuff.”

The joy comes back at the unexpected moments: After a rough year, your son has become the official house cook, and you’re the dishwasher, and he’s pulling out a plate of hot banana muffins with butter an brown sugar oozing out, while you wash the dishes to the song he puts on—“All You Need is Love.”

We are grateful for music. There are a few memorable songs written for single moms such as “"Mama" by Boyz2men. My son and his best friend re-wrote Tupac’s "Dear Mama" to thank me and sang it at his Bar Mitzvah.

There are so many things to be grateful for: Your son in junior high and his friends that run up and give you a hug and kiss, and they go through a phase where it’s cool for boys to post “I love my mom!” on Facebook. Toddlers slowing down enough to just sit and cuddle. ... Nursing in the wee hours while watching Barry Brazelton. ... Family, friends, and a great masseuse, Miles. 

And—according to the NY Times article “A Serving of Gratitude May Save the Day"—gratitude is also good for you.