Blog: Tranny Trails and Bulldozers - Shorty & Morty’s Homeless Hollywood Hood

In Hollywood early evening...

Lithe and tall – Leah Lexington exclusive – ‘Creampie’ for the Straight Guy – lived in West Hollywood while she awaited her gender change – yet Hollywood stars always beckoned. This tall blonde knew how to tally a fetish sheet. Originally from Texas – Leah knew a crazy bull when she saw one – her father rode her when she was little Leonard Lexington. Leah didn’t like the Asian King sisters who played naughty twister and preyed on the younger homeless teens. Lexington considered them Carney girls – low-class Monicas with matching stained dresses – or as whores of rooster trickery. Leah had worked hard on herself to become known as an erudite and elegant lady with both potions and notions. She was almost a complete woman and no one could stop that process. She had her fans and her clients – sometimes the two mixed.

Lexington knew her way around both sexes – especially the kinky elite. Discretion was her middle name. Although many tried to buy her secrets – she wasn’t just another dumb Dresden blond getting her a$$ slapped – she knew who gave and got the needle in Krazytown and she wasn’t about to have her beautiful face blown off by accident. There never would have been any talk about a well-known celebrity getting caught with a tranny – if he had seen Leah that night – no siree. No flashbulbs or reporters and certainly not TMZ. Leah considered TMZ the bottom dwellers and they rarely came into Hollywood unless there was an opening with stars or a police scanner spilled a big story – or worse – the PR people were dialing for images while clients skid to hit the mark while waiting to buy their ticket. She was a fox in the making with no need of a hound but never ruled out a well-coined steed or three.

Leah’s long laced legs stepped out of her idling – 3^rd generation Toyota Prius. Her red stiletto heels glistened as she stood to pay the valet. Lexington was slated to appear at the local business owners meeting. She had a mentor program she wanted to propose to help give back and figured she was due a non-for-profit business that would make them all look good in the community. F^^k Big Brothers and Sisters – she had a few generations of people – like herself – who needed her guidance and she wanted invisible bank for her expertise on becoming a transgender. Leah’s lead physician – Dr. Olivia Copeland was on the board and carried serious pony on decisions that affected Hollywood and the tourist industry.

Lexington strutted like a tranny without a train – freely and with purpose as she entered the hotel – her future was about to get tighter – she loved ropes. 

At the police station…

Some lady with blackened eyes was screaming with alcoholic breath at the desk sergeant, “My husband didn’t really hit me. I’m sorry I called the police. Please let him out! I can’t afford to let him stay here – we’ve got mouths to feed!” Three disheveled young kids were behind her. Several other Joe publics turned around when Forearmless Jake walked into the Hollywood precinct – headed straight to the counter and dropped an envelope containing the bail for his pal – Pikey Pram Pusher – who was in for defending Celine and her 4’6” midget boyfriend – Morty – at the County ER. The homeless were always targets and Pikey hadn’t appreciated that ‘his’ legless woman was being shot up with Demerol – let alone her prosthetic gams taken – while the Physician’s Assistant examined her like an artifact. Pikey was simple – ugly to most  – a self-appointed homeless vigilante. When he dumped “Sam the Can’s” body in that dumpster – many were spared a lot of abuse but no one knew his good deed – not even Forearmless Jake.

All extra chatter stopped – whispering slowly commenced. They watched as Jake leaned over the counter with his mouth to pick up a pen and quickly X’d the dotted line for Pikey’s release. He glanced up at Officer Benzonini – the same officer who gave him a jaywalking ticket and spat out, “Where’s Pikey? You got your dough.” Benzonini yawned and rubbed his fat belly as he opened the envelope. “He’ll be out in a few. Need a helping hand?” Tears streamed down his face he laughed so hard – until the stench hit. All hands went to their mouths and noses.

Pikey Pram Pusher was in the room. His glare took in Benzonini and he began chewing with a salivating smile as he moved towards him. Jake stopped Pikey with his elbow, “He ain’t worth it man. Let’s get outta here.” Benzonini’s uniform was absorbing his sweat faster than his heart raced – they said it took three elephant darts to take Pikey in. The two paused at the door and looked back with Jake raising an elbow to the officer, “May you have many children – officer. I bless you that - for every homeless person you’ve robbed – that goes for the rest of you.” The other officers put their hands on their holsters – Jake backed out with both elbows pointed at them machine gun style. Rat-tat-tatting his exit.

They headed for the boulevard to score some dope before Pikey would return to his Pram to watch his EMF early works DVD. He hummed…”I want my… I want my… I want my EMF…” Jake shook his head with a wry smile.

In Hollywood…

Mr. Weldon the social worker had packed his bags and tucked away the DVD of E.M. Fredric’s Early Works next to a nightly stash of snicker bars. His day ran longer than usual but he didn’t mind – the twilight crowd was buzzing with most of the homeless hidden amongst the regulars or tourists. He smiled knowing that when he had his daily breakfast hotcakes – with his special lady – Mrs. Butterworth – Pikey Pram Pusher would go berserk discovering his DVD gone missing.  Maybe he would “roar” along the boulevard and get picked up for stench pollution or he would annihilate one homeless condo after another turning his community against him or better yet – he would be relocated like the wild animal the social worker perceived him to be.    

The scenes in his mind brought him great comfort. Pikey usually came in ignoring census questions and breathed heavily – skunking the building and making his job – homeless impossible. Weldon considered his work to be steamier than any hooker on a Friday or Saturday night in Krazytown.  He fancied himself superior to any John with the most expensive of strings to rent.  He was living the dream – along with his secret life as a pancake connoisseur – he whistled and headed for his old ’96 Ford Taurus.

In the partially lit parking lot he spied a small trail of broken glass on the ground’s gravel – leading to his car! The social worker’s eyes bulged open at the sight of smashed rear window pane on the ground and trunk of his Taurus. He walked faster and saw the most evil of crimes – his entire load of pancake boxes and Mrs. Butterworth bottles was gone. In slo-mo acceleration – he trumpeted to see what was left – nothing but boxes of papers and a few leftover candy wrappers all over the front seat floor. He looked across the lot and spied Razor – the Shrekian homeless guy he had interviewed earlier – schlepping his loot. He was pushing his shopping cart around a building as the social worker yelled – “RAZOR!!!! Give me back my pancakes!” Razor turned and saw the equally big man and with a grin – lifted his bottle of rubbing alcohol – took a quick sip and patted the pocket he housed it in. If it had been a cold night – steam would’ve risen from Mr. Weldon’s bated breath as he lunged after his insolent client. Razor’s face and shoulders did a Jackie Gleason and away he went with “his” new goods.

Runyon Canyon…

The extraordinary homeless couple had just nestled in for a power nap before going to their makeshift home Morty hand-crafted for them when the ground shifted beneath High Bench in Runyon Canyon. Progress – with a hefty tag – had arrived. A bulldozer’s deafening whir of its engine had Morty zipped up to his toes – as Celine screamed and jerked into consciousness – her mannequin and crutch legs almost fell off. This was their favorite spot and they loved the canyons – as all the homeless did along with the wannabe celebrity hunters who acted like they loved nature. Then there were the locals with their respective dog and cat causes – they owned too many and were always trying to save more while the builders came and grazed the hillsides to make room for more people and cars to smoke the city up with lots of dough for the city players and owners – while killing wildlife refuge without obligation. Celine had wanted to make a Feed A Child, Save A Coyote sign but Morty explained people would misinterpret it and they would be ousted from Krazytown for sure – or offed. Yes – offed. Money of the biz not soul of the show advanced leaders by their nose-rings – it was a whackadoodle place way before “Chinatown” was allowed to be made.

Morty peered over the back of High Bench as the bulldozer hacked its way towards them. Celine was confused – “Why would someone be out here working at night? They never do construction work at night in this town – it would save people money if they did that. He’s up to no good.” Morty screamed over the motor – “Hey! Whattya think you’re doin’? We’re resting here.” Then to Celine, “Toots – I don’t think he can hear us.” Morty jumped up and down waving his hands and arms wildly. The angry driver stopped a few feet from the back of High Bench – shifting the gear into parked – he leaned out of his window. “Hey! You kids aren’t allowed up here at night – it’s against curfew laws! Get outta here!” Celine and Morty looked at one another as Celine replied – pissed. “You belligerent arse – we’re not kids! You get outta here!” The driver put his high beams on and corrected himself – “Whoa… excuse me… two carnival freaks. Get outta the park or I’ll call the ranger on you!” That did it – Morty grabbed his slingshot and bag of steely marbles from his back pocket – launching a steady stream of steely whacks – “You don’t talk to my girl that way!  Trying to destroy a landmark? Not tonight – moron!” The driver screamed in pain as he ran along the path toward Mulholland – middle finger extended while the other hand fielded pings to his face as his body twitched from the hits he endured.

Celine clapped and laughed – proud of her man’s success – albeit temporary – she worried in her British accent, “How are we going to stop him again? More will come – you know they will. Don’t forget when homeless Marion’s body was found days old in the park – there was no news.” Morty picked up, “Yeah, no sirens – no reporters. Every night in this place –  someone or something goes missing.” Celine pulled him to her, “Just make sure it’s not you.” Morty reassured her – “Toots – I’m not goin’ nowhere. I got a girl with the best gams and a heart that’s even shinier.”

He helped her off the bench onto the legs he built her. Morty said, “Let’s get rid of this rig.” Morty climbed into the driver’s seat and helped hoist Celine up next to him. Celine was ecstatic – “This will be fun!”

In West Hollywood…

Peter and Josh walked along Santa Monica Boulevard heading back to Hollywood. Babes had been patched up – making the two young men happy. Josh looked at Peter tangoing with Babes and asked – “Why do you act like a homeless runaway when you really teach art class to the homeless – Dylan?” Peter/Dylan responded – “What I’m sayin’.” Josh had his photos with his bigwig – Steven Spielberg and Peter’s inflatable girlfriend wasn’t leaking. Peter wanted to locate Jared and update his hero as Josh incessantly chattered on about how he would make Shorty & Morty with the homeless community – famous – all by himself. Josh had to meet them to begin his dream and then his idea of “E.T. meets Shindler’s List” would be a shoe-in at the Oscars where he would reunite with Steven Spielberg on stage in front of the world – not just Dodger Stadium. By then – it would be just “Steven” not “Mr. Spielberg” – and they would share a limo. He had no idea that it also was Celine’s greatest wish – to attend the Oscars with the most beautiful gown covering her fake legs – with Morty by her side. Babes had a similar dream. Neither had been treated with love and respect – until they met their guys.

Back at Runyon Canyon…

Leaving swamp tracks along the way – this extraordinary homeless duo left the dozer in the middle of the street connecting Mulholland to Runyon Canyon –– then danced back down the moonlit canyon to their slapdash home. Morty knew he had to rethink their improvised habitat – safety was always a concern but now – danger loomed.

For the moment both High Bench and they were sitting pretty… or were they… Just a few houses from the rig lived the prosperous bad actor Hugh E. Nesser – knocking back his routine vodka with pills – as his entitled eyes spotted the bulldozer and possibly Shorty & Morty…

To be continued...

Last week’s story:

10. Spielberg Visits Shorty & Morty’s Hollywood Homeless Hood 

http://tinyurl.com/cp4ovmh

Short Stories/Interviews Continued:

9. Shorty & Morty – Residents of Hollywood’s Homeless Hood: 

http://tinyurl.com/b7bxpop

8. Celine Gets New Gams – Jared A New Doll – Pikey Is In Jail – Morty A New Girl:

http://tinyurl.com/cozk6cb

7. Pikey Pram Pusher – The Homeless Hood of Shorty & Morty: 

http://tinyurl.com/c9a27cj

6. Josh Jalil & Peter: The Camera Guy – Shorty & Morty’s Homeless Shooter: 

http://tinyurl.com/cght25m

5. Jared: Everybody’s Got A Bully – Even Hollywood’s Homeless: 

http://tinyurl.com/d4xrpnb

4. Steven Huber: Composer Steven Huber Creates A Theme Song for Shorty & Morty: 

 http://tinyurl.com/chhqvez

3. Razor: Countin’ On The Homeless Cenus – Hollywood @ Steak with Shorty & Morty: 

 http://tinyurl.com/cyjnvxh

2. Peter: Running Young ‘n Homeless in Hollywood – Shorty & Morty: 

http://tinyurl.com/bq6hj7h

1. Zippy & Kate:  Two Left Feed in the ER with Shorty & Morty: 

http://tinyurl.com/d5x7e5r

IMDB: http://www.imdb.me/emfredric

Web: shortyandmorty.com 

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