Find That Spark Again! (For Adult Eyes Only)

Love is an interesting topic. It’s something that’s been contemplated and celebrated for centuries. Something that inspires us, confuses us, and sometimes even enrages us. It’s something that can make us feel our absolute best and something that can bring out the worst in us. So how do we keep it alive and vibrant, especially year after year?

As a marriage therapist, I work with couples to help them get back to that loving feeling. I help them determine what has gone wrong in their relationship and work on creating a new way of relating to each other that meets each person’s needs. With Valentine’s Day upon us, I thought I would share some ways to increase the loving feeling and improve the spark in long-term relationships.

As anyone knows who has been in a long-term relationship, it can be very easy for the “spark” to start to dwindle. In the beginning, things are fun, they are light, they are sexy. It takes virtually no effort to be connected. Both people think about the relationship often. Each person seeks it out. There is a natural attraction that bring the two people back together in an effortless way.

But then life happens. Mortgages. Careers. Kids. School. Sports. Bills. And that natural spark that used to be so effortless suddenly becomes harder and harder to ignite. Maybe initially (especially when kids are young) that isn’t even a problem for either party. By the time the head hits the pillow, both people are beyond exhausted and all that sounds good is unwinding with a favorite show or being able to catch a few Z’s, or maybe just having some time that no one is touching you or asking you for anything. People begin to think, “there will be time for romance or connection once the kids are older”, “we will be close again once we’re not so busy”, “this is just a phase of life that will pass”. The problem is, over time, that gap that once seemed OK continues to grow. It can become challenging to even know what to talk about. That feeling that drew you to each other seems a million miles away. That time seems a million years ago.

What I tell people when they express these feelings to me, often wondering if they should even stay together, is to remember that what we nurture is what grows. All those years focused on those careers, bills, and children were nurturing those things. The career that continued to thrive. The children who are well adjusted and happy. The finances that are in order. But what about the relationship? It has not been nurtured, so it has begun to wilt. It is that plant forgotten about in the corner that is sagging and turning brown. But here’s the thing, we can begin to nurture the relationship again, we can begin to remember why we chose each other as our partner in life to begin with. We can begin to reignite that spark.

Maybe that’s not the case in your relationship. Maybe there’s still a spark. Maybe you still enjoy each other. But maybe you remember those days with a smile and long to have some of that desire and excitement back. You may wonder if that’s an unrealistic idea, if maybe that stops existing once a couple has been together so long. Well I’m here to tell you it is not unrealistic at all. It is completely possible to be even more connected than initially and to enjoy each other and the relationship in every way that you did before.

In either scenario, what better time to begin this journey than Valentine’s Day? Let’s begin by asking yourself what kinds of things you used to do for your partner. Those things that came effortlessly. The things you enjoyed doing and easily completed. Maybe that’s surprising him with his favorite meal at work. Maybe it’s bringing home some flowers just because. Maybe it’s greeting her at the door with a smile and a kiss. Maybe it’s wearing his favorite thing to bed. Whatever it is, ask yourself: when was the last time you did that? Maybe TODAY is the day you start doing it again. My suggestion is that you focus on doing at least one of those things a day.

Another valuable exercise is to rate yourself as a partner. But here is the important part, you are not rating your intentions and you are not rating using your criteria; you are rating yourself by your actions (not intentions) and using your partner’s criteria. Take a moment to write down 5 to 10 things that would be on your partner’s wish list to have in a spouse. And then rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 on how you are doing at meeting the items in that wish list. Then for each item, decide on 1 to 3 things you can do differently/ better and begin incorporating them into your daily routine in some way.

And who can talk about love without discussing sex? Sex not only connects us physically and is good for our health in many ways, it also is very bonding. In fact, bonding hormones are actually released in our brain when having sex with someone we love. It makes us more tolerant of each other, increases our overall satisfaction in the relationship, makes us more relaxed, and connects us to each other. But I get it, it is often the last thing we want to do once we finally reach the goal of being done for the day. This is why I recommend a book called “101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seduction for Fun-Loving Couples.” It has different fun and sexy activities that couples can do together. The idea is that each person will choose one sealed page each week and initiate that activity with their partner at one point in the week. This will have each partner initiating sex once each week, for at least two sexual encounters. This can be a fun way to spice things up, but also create a little accountability for each person to be thinking about initiating an encounter. What I often find is that this gets people thinking about sex throughout the day and beginning to look forward to it once again. It helps the couple begin to recreate a secret sex life, one that existed before kids and mortgages got in the way. My disclaimer to this is that if the relationship is seriously damaged or you find that this activity is doing more harm than good, it is probably time to seek out professional help.

Yes, things have changed. You are busier. There are other priorities. The relationship may not be effortless like it was when life allowed him/ her to be your primary focus. But with a little extra effort, you can begin to nurture that plant in the corner. If you do, the leaves will perk up, the plant will become green again, and pretty soon it will be as healthy and vibrant as it was in the beginning. That “spark” or “in love” feeling is not a stagnant thing, it is constantly changing and evolving. When it is nurtured, it is alive. So I encourage you to seek out that love that people write songs about, make it happen in YOUR relationship, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day, sometimes in little ways and sometimes in big ways. Make YOUR love something inspiring to be celebrated!

For more articles like this, visit my blog at www.meetme4therapy.com