THERAPIST THURSDAY: Grief & Dealing With The Loss of a Loved One

I received the sweetest letter the other day from a reader who had lost his wife of 52 years. He told the story of their meeting and their life together and beautifully expressed how much he loved her. He asked if I could write an article discussing how to get through the loss of a spouse. I was so touched by the letter and his love for his wife, that I decided to make this the topic of today’s article. I expanded the topic to discuss not only a spouse, but the loss of any loved one.

Grief is a natural emotion. We feel it on some level whenever there is a loss. For small losses, the grieving process may be short and not very intense, but bigger losses evoke bigger feelings of grief. There is a book called Tear Soup that I highly recommend that discusses grief as “soup” and illustrates that the bigger the loss, the bigger the “pot” you will need for making your “tear soup.” I think this is a good description. Something like having to move or losing a job may not evoke as much grief as something like a death or terminal illness. How the loss is experienced is really dependent upon the individual, and another person really can not judge how big a loss feels for another.

I believe our culture handles grief all wrong. We determine how a person is doing with their loss based on if they seem happy or not, believing that the happier they seem, the better they must be doing. This view that being “strong” means smiling and going about your daily life after the loss of a loved one is completely backwards. Grief is a natural process and when one is smiling and seems like themselves after a loss, it does not mean everything is alright. In some cultures, when a loved one dies, the other community members will take care of the business of that person’s life and allow that person to cry and mourn. They understand that this is a necessary and healthy way to manage the loss. I would encourage the support system of someone who is grieving to allow them the time and energy to do so, to understand that feeling the emotion is necessary to move through the emotion.* If a person is able to process their feelings, the pain will be less intense over time. The old adage that “time heals all wounds” is only partly true. It does require time. But it also requires feeling the pain and processing the emotion in order for those emotions to become less intense.

Imagine, if you would, a physical wound, a big gaping hole in your leg. In order for this to start to heal, it would have to be cared for. It would have to be cleaned and bandaged and tended to often. Doing this would hurt. It may be tempting to cover it up and pretend it’s not there, because every time you take off the bandage and look at it, it reminds you how bad it really is. Cleaning it and tending to it causes it to hurt all over again. But what if you do ignore it? What if you stop unwrapping it and cleaning it and applying whatever healing ointment it requires? Eventually it will become worse, it is likely to get infected and can even lead to the need for greater medical attention. But if it is tended to properly, as painful as that experience may be, eventually it will heal. Yes, it will still leave a scar and it will never be exactly how it was before, but it will not cause such devastating pain as it does in the beginning.

Emotional pain is very similar to this. It requires tending to as well. It requires looking at it and caring for it. It requires time and attention. So what does this look like exactly? Well, that may vary from person to person. The important thing is that the person who experienced the loss is giving their emotions time and attention. When they feel it, they are acknowledging and letting it out. Some practical things I have found helpful include: journaling, talking with people who care, talking with people who are feeling the same kind of loss, listening to music, talking aloud to the one who has passed or writing the person a letter, looking at pictures, and of course, crying.

For the person who is grieving, I suggest setting some time aside each day to feel the emotion and to do some of the things I suggested, or anything else it is that you feel you need to do. Understand that it will hurt and that there is no way to control the sadness, you just have to feel it.* But be sure to focus as well on selfcare. Take a shower, eat, get some exercise, try to sleep when you can, even though you will likely feel like doing none of these things. And read Tear Soup. It is not an academic based book. It is written as a children’s novel, but it will help you understand what the grieving process looks like. And it has lots of information about how others will likely respond and other things you are likely to go through during this time of loss and sorrow.

For the person who cares about someone who is going through the loss of a loved one, please try to understand that while you may want them to be smiling so you are assured they are OK, it is not a bad thing if they are crying or feeling sad. Let them feel their pain, know that there is nothing that you can do to take away that pain, that all you can do is comfort them with your presence and let them know you are there for them (in addition to practical help, of course). It is often the case that people who are grieving begin to feel the burden of their loved one’s concern after some time, and may hide their emotions as not to upset the ones they love. Giving them permission to feel bad if they need to may be one of the best gifts you can give them. Be patient. Be understanding. Be willing to cry with them. And remember that they are doing what they need to do to heal. The are not being “weak” if they are sad or crying, in fact, it just may be the opposite, that they are being “strong”, strong enough to feel their pain.*

* The opinions stated here are not intended to replace professional help. If you or a loved one is depressed or contemplating self-harm, seek immediate professional assistance.

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Temecula, CA. She is the author of the blog www.meetme4therapy.com