THERAPIST THURSDAY: Is Anger Bad?

The truth is, anger is an emotion, as is happiness or frustration or disappointment or loneliness. And, as humans, we will feel anger as we feel our other emotions. This is because humans are emotional creatures. Trying to shut down our emotion or limit what we feel is like trying to make a dog meow. It’s not nature and it won’t work! Feeling emotions is a natural part of being human, and it’s what makes our lives feel fulfilling and worthwhile. Limiting our emotions is not healthy and it will only lead to negative consequences. When we try to stop feeling our emotions, we often end up depressed or anxious. So why is it that anger has gotten such a bad rap, and what can be done about it?

I think the reason we see anger as a negative emotion is because of the way many people deal with their anger. We may associate this emotion with some of the choices that those we have known have made when angry. For example, if you grew up with abuse in the home or a lot of yelling due to anger, it is likely you are either afraid of anger or you have become an angry person yourself. The inappropriate expression of anger through a lot of yelling, abusing others, or intimidating people is absolutely unhealthy. And many of us associate the emotion itself with these choices and behaviors.

The truth is, we all feel anger because it is a normal human emotion, but we have choices in how we will deal with or express this anger. Some of the things people do when they feel angry creates problems. Here are some of the ways anger can be a problem for people…

Many people feel their anger too strongly. These people often go from zero to one hundred in about a half of a second. They may be fine one minute and then totally enraged the next. Their anger may be disproportionate to the situation. The littlest thing may set them off. Because these people feel anger so strongly, they usually express it inappropriately. People who feel their anger too strongly often yell a lot and many are abusive. And they definitely make others feel on edge because you never know what will make them angry or when it will come!

Many people are angry all the time. For these people, anger is their number one emotion. It’s their go-to. If you say a joke they don’t like, if you are late, if you accidently spill something. It takes almost nothing for these people to feel angry. In some situations, they even wake up feeling this way. Those around them experience anger from this person almost all of the time. It may seem that they have a permanent scowl on their face. It is likely that this person grew up in an abusive household and had anger modeled for them as the primary way of feeling. It is likely that this person is very unhappy.

Many people feel anger in inappropriate situations. These people feel anger for things that are not even provoking. They often cause problems in group situations. They stir up trouble and never seem to be happy with others or their decisions. Many times, them not getting their way is what fuels their anger. When they can’t control a situation, it makes them feel anger. They have a great deal of difficulty going with the flow. These people tend not to have long term relationships with friends or family. They often seem to bounce around from person to person or group to group. The truth is, nothing really makes them happy. These people will find a problem with anything that happens. And they love to complain about things.

If you are a person who grew up with a parent or family member that had a problem with anger, it is likely that you now have issues with anger yourself. This can present in several ways. One is that you may struggle with some of the same issues, getting angry too easily or feeling it too strongly. Or, another way it can present itself is you being afraid of anger or seeing it as a negative thing. If this is the case, you may not give yourself (or anyone around you) permission to actually feel this normal emotion. If you find yourself feeling angry, you may try to shut it down and rationalize it, not understanding that it is OK to have the emotion. Or you may become extremely upset, worried, or offended if someone around you expresses anger, even if it is expressed in an appropriate and proportionate manner. In the first situation, you may need to seek professional help to learn how to manage your own anger appropriately and to work through the anger you have as a result of your childhood. In the second situation, it will help greatly to realize that anger is only an emotion and is permissible, if it is handled in an appropriate manner. It does not make you (or another person) abusive or unsafe when you (or they) have the emotion. Reminding yourself of this over and over again will allow you to begin to separate the emotion itself from the inappropriate expression of that emotion and to realize that the two are actually very different things. One is normal and healthy (the emotion of anger) and the other is a problem (inappropriate expression of anger).

Anger is an issue that becomes complicated in many families. And it is something that impacts us quite strongly. That early learning tends to stay with us and follow us into our adulthood. But by recognizing the issues and reality testing them and changing the patterns over and over again, we can begin to break that early learning and create new and more functional patterns of behavior in our own lives and those of future generations. Only then can we begin to have a healthy relationship with this very normal emotion of anger!

Rochelle Whitson is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.