THERAPIST THURSDAY: Are You a Helicopter Parent?

… there certainly are some truths to this generalization of the mentality of many of today’s youth. Which leads me to question, what are we doing to create young adults who believe the world revolves around them and lack the basic life skills necessary to accomplish goals and achieve success in the real world? The answer comes down, in most instances, to parenting. The results of helicopter parenting are many of the negative attributes we see in this generation. So, what exactly is a helicopter parent and why is this type of parenting not healthy for our kids?

A helicopter parent hovers over their children. They do not allow them to fail. They make them believe that every little concern or hurt they ever have should be catered to by the world (because this is what the parent has done for them during their childhood). They may warn a lot and remind, but they do not allow the child to suffer the pain of bad decisions. The helicopter parent is likely to question the teacher when the child gets in trouble at school, rather than questioning the child. The helicopter parent yells at the coach or sends a dissatisfied email if they feel their child is not getting enough playing time, even if the coach has explained that the kids who are working the hardest or have the most dedication to the team get the playing time. If their child has an ache or pain, the child is allowed to miss school. If the child is upset, he or she gets a lot of attention for their emotions and even gets out of responsibilities. The helicopter parent bails their child out when a natural life consequence comes their way, paying for their speeding ticket, covering for them when they were caught drinking, asking the teacher for a better grade after the child spent the semester not studying or turning in assignments, allowing the child to stay home when they haven’t completed their homework. The list of examples is endless. The bottom line is that all of these behaviors stop the child from valuable learning. It stops them for learning that bad decisions lead to bad things. So, then what happens when the child gets out into the real world? That child does not know how to function. They expect the world to stop for them. They expect their excuses to be sufficient for things like being late for work or not completing an assignment. And they are shocked when that does not occur! They don’t know how to cope because they’ve had very little of these experiences in their lives.

So, what exactly are the attributes of the child raised by a helicopter parent. Here are a few examples:

· They think the world is “unfair”. If something doesn’t go their way, their default way of thinking is that it is “unfair.”

· They expect others to cater to their feelings. If they are feeling upset or emotional, they expect that the world should just stop and everyone should instantly attend to their feelings, regardless of what another person may have going on in their lives.

· They don’t take responsibility for their actions or understand the natural consequences of certain behaviors. They are shocked when things don’t work out in their favor.

· They lack an internal locus of control. This means they don’t understand that they make things happen in their lives, and that they are not just along for the ride.

· They have unrealistic views of how the world operates. When the world does not cater to them, they don’t know how to handle it. When they can’t get what they want because they didn’t work for it, they don’t understand why this happened.

· They expect their excuses for not taking responsibility for things to work. If they are late to work because they didn’t hear their alarm or they miss school for the forth time in a month and the professor does not excuse them, they don’t understand why these reasons are not cared about and accepted by others.

· They blame other people and situations for their failures or shortcomings. They don’t take responsibility for what is not working in their lives or in their personalities or behaviors.

· They can’t handle disappointment. When they are disappointed, they deteriorate. It feels to them like the world is ending.

· Their emotions are out of proportion for the situation. They get extremely upset when things don’t go their way or others don’t do what they want.

· Their standard for if they should make a purchase is if they “deserve” it or not, and not if they can afford it or not. There is no sense of delayed gratification or understanding that things need to be worked for. This makes them bad money managers.

· They get upset when others try to hold them accountable or point out their role in a circumstance or outcome. They see this as “mean” or “judgmental” because they are used to blaming situations on other people and circumstances. They are often blind in their role in things.

· They are entitled and selfish. They believe the world and everyone’s lives should revolve around them. Their needs are considered before others.

· They are not good employees or partners in a relationship.

· They are not reliable or dependable. They don’t believe they need to be. Their excuses are reason enough not to show up on time and be where they need to be when they are supposed to be there.

· They do not think about the future but instead focus on what feels good in the moment. They can’t understand the purpose of working hard, of taking care of responsibilities, or of doing well in school.

· They don’t tend to set and achieve many goals. They think too much in the moment to delay gratification enough to accomplish long term goals.

After this very long list of potential outcomes of helicoptering your kids, I hope you are motivated to change this behavior. What always makes me sad when I work with a family with this dynamic is not only that there is usually a lot of conflict within the home, but even more importantly the kid doesn’t really feel good about themselves. That sense of accomplishment that comes from setting a goal, delaying gratification, and working hard to accomplish something has been stolen from them. Deep inside, they lack confidence and a belief that they can accomplish things in the real world.

The good news is, these behaviors are reversable. This learning can be re-learned. The kids can become more responsible and learn how to manage life better. So, I urge you to start today. Stop helicoptering them. Allow them to experience a little pain and discomfort in their lives. Not only will they be better for it, but your life will suddenly become easier. As you take less responsibility for their lives, they are forced to take more responsibility for it. You may be surprised of what your kid actually is capable of!

If you have an article idea you would like addressed on Therapist Thursday, you may email Rochelle at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. For more articles like this, consider subscribing to her blog at www.meetme4therapy.com.