THERAPIST THURSDAY: Are You Too Hard on Yourself?

We live in a goal-oriented society. Success is defined by how many goals we have accomplished. This can be a quest for money, power, a career, grades, education, fitness, just to name a few. Setting and accomplishing goals is viewed as positive, and it usually is. However, sometimes people take this too far and their drive to have this success actually becomes more harmful to them than helpful. How do we know where that line is? And how can we keep from crossing it? I encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:

WHY are You Doing It?

I often tell people that the reason we do things is the greater indicator of if it is good for us or not, from a psychological perspective. So, whatever your goal is, ask yourself why this is your goal. If the reason is to better yourself, to feel a sense of accomplishment, to challenge yourself, to see what you are capable of, to accomplish something this goal will give you, then chances are, you are working towards that goal for healthy reasons. However, if you are doing it to feel OK about yourself, to have any sense of worth, to prove to yourself or someone else that you are worthy of love or acceptance, or because you feel like a “loser” without accomplishing the goal, then you are probably not working towards the goal for the right reason.

For example, a person can have the goal of getting in shape. They may be working out and eating healthy and changing their body and their health in positive ways. If they are doing this because they want to feel better, to be healthier, or even to look better, this can be very positive. But if they feel like a “loser” without doing it, this is not good. If they don’t feel worthy of love unless they lose the weight, or if they think they are “gross” the way they are, then the positive physical changes they are making are at the expense of their own mental health.

If a person wants to get into an Ivy League school. And that person is working very hard at it, taking lots of challenging classes, and doing all of the activities to be a “well rounded” applicant; and they are doing so because they want to challenge themselves, see what they can accomplish, or be the best version of themselves, then that is very positive. But if they think they are “dumb” if they don’t get that A, if they tell themselves they are a loser if someone else has a better grade than them, if they feel like a “failure” if they don’t get into the school they wanted despite working so hard to do so, then their mental health is probably suffering.

HOW are You Doing It? The next thing to ask yourself is, do you have balance? Are you working towards that goal while still taking care of yourself? If the answer is yes, you are probably on the right track. But if you are hurting other parts of your life to accomplish the goal, you may be sacrificing too much. When working towards a goal, there are certainly times when you will have to make sacrifices. And there are times when things may be unbalanced TEMPORARILY (such as studying a lot for a big test at the expense of your sleep). But if there is no balance in life for long periods of time, you may be sacrificing too much!

What is Your Self Talk?

What do you tell yourself about your need to accomplish your goal? What do you tell yourself when you’ve had a success towards that goal? What do you tell yourself when you’ve had a failure? If your talk is encouraging and full of words that make you feel like you can do better next time, you can overcome that obstacle, or you are capable, then chances are you are on the right track. But if your self talk (the things you say about yourself in your own head) is critical, discouraging, or demeaning in any way, you may be sacrificing your own mental and emotional health.

Do You Give Yourself Credit? When you either accomplish the goal or achieve a milestone along the way, do you stop to pat yourself on the back? Do you tell yourself it was a job well-done and allow yourself the satisfaction of that, or do you either minimize the accomplishment or immediately set another goal? Is that goal enough or is there always more? It is very important to give yourself this credit along the way. If you are not doing so, your goal-setting may be costing you psychologically.

It is such a positive thing to set and accomplish goals. It is something I do on a daily basis. It is something I encourage my kids to do. It is something I help my clients do. But, like so many things in life, balance with it is important. When we can give ourselves credit, talk to ourselves kindly and with encouragement, keep a healthy balance, and set goals for the right reasons, then we often become very capable of accomplishing more than we ever thought possible. But if those issues become imbalanced, our very emotional and mental health can be at stake. So, I encourage everyone to check in with themselves, ask these questions from time to time. Doing so will help us to accomplish our goals and truly be the best versions of ourselves that we can be!

Rochelle Whitson is a psychotherapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. For more articles like this, please subscribe to her blog at www.meetme4therapy.com.

Ms. Whitson can be reached at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.