THERAPIST THURSDAY: Babies and Toddlers are OVERWHELMING!

While my kids are far from the baby stage now, I still remember it like it was yesterday! The long days, the sleepless nights, the inability to complete anything you start, the messy house no matter how hard you try to keep it neat, and the exhaustion! Oh goodness, the exhaustion! It was like nothing I had ever experienced before.

When I look back at pictures of my kids when they were babies and toddlers, with their chubby cheeks and their fat roles, and I can think, “how did I not just kiss them all day long?” But when I pause and remember what it was REALLY like, sometimes I can’t believe I survived it. The days seemed so long then, the weeks even longer. The twenty-four-hour, never-ending work day! As adorable as my kiddos were, there’s no way I would want to go back there! I know not everyone feels the same. Some people love the baby and toddler stage (until they hit their “no phase”, at least). And there are many things I loved about it, but it also was one of the most difficult stages of my life. So, if you’re in that phase and also feeling overwhelmed, I have a few things to tell you:

1. It’s OK to NOT be loving every minute! There were times when I had babies that I wondered if something was wrong with me, because I DID NOT love every minute. In fact, there were many days I wished away. And guess what? That’s OK! You are in a stage of life that is exhausting. You have a little creature that relies on you for EVERYTHING. Just keeping that little creature alive is a full-time job. So, if you find yourself looking forward to the moment that adorable kid’s head hits the pillow and you hear that deep breathing that means he is finally asleep, that’s OK. It does not make you a bad parent. It makes you an exhausted parent. It makes you a person who is doing their best and sometimes rocking it, and sometimes not. And, it’s all OK. I can promise you that your kid will not remember these moments and will have no idea if you savored every second or wished many of them away. All they will know is that they are loved and were cared for, and I know this because if you were not meeting those needs for your child, you would not be so exhausted!

I find that if a parent has had difficulty getting pregnant, had a miscarriage, or had other struggles creating the little creature that is now wreaking havoc in their lives, the guilt can be particularly overwhelming when the parent does not love every minute. Well I’m here to tell you that whatever came before you were blessed with this child, it does not change the fact that parenting a young one is exhausting, so it’s OK to not love every minute. It does not make you ungrateful or selfish. It simply makes you human!

2. It IS true that it flies by, even though it doesn’t seem like it now. I remember so many older people telling me to enjoy this time, because it would fly by in the blink of an eye. I remember smiling and agreeing, but sometimes thinking, “yeah right, I wish!” But it is true, one day you will wake up and your kid won’t be little or chubby anymore. One day they’ll be rolling their eyes at you and moving away when you want to hug them. Not that this knowledge really helps when you’re in the thick of parenting a young child. So, I say it more to give you HOPE! It does pass. And when it does you may even miss it (or maybe not). Either way, don’t judge yourself for however you feel, it is all normal and all OK. One reaction does not make you are a better parent than another.

3. Being a good parent does not mean neglecting YOU! It’s important to take care of yourself. If you have a young child in the same room with you as you are reading this, it is very likely that you just laughed out loud. You are probably thinking, “how can I take care of myself, I can barely take care of my child and my other responsibilities?” But self-care is even more critical at this time in your life because you are giving so much of yourself. If you do not care for yourself, you will burn out. Some ways to do this include, building a support system for yourself, resting when the child rests, changing your expectations regarding other responsibilities (maybe the house will not be as clean as you like it for a few years, maybe the laundry will pile up sometimes, perhaps there will be cereal for dinner at times), eating when the child eats, and taking at least a few minutes a day to do something you enjoy. I remember feeling very isolated and probably a little depressed when I had my first child. Joining a mom’s group made a huge difference for me! It allowed me to socialize while my child was with me in child friendly environments, gave me options of child-friendly activities to participate in if I chose, and allowed me to make friends with other local moms who were going through the same thing. I found MOMS Club particularly enjoyable (this is a national organization with many local chapters. MOMS means Moms Offering Moms Support). Many moms I know joined the MOPS group through their church. Whatever resources you find, I highly encourage you to get out there and build camaraderie with other parents in the same stage of life.

4. Time away is good for you and for the child. It is really difficult to leave your baby for the first time. It can literally feel unnatural or wrong. The first time I left my first baby, I thought I was OK, but I was literally sweating by the time I got a block from my house, even though I was going to be gone less than two hours and my baby was with grandma. But please know, that while it feels weird at first, time away is not just good for you, it is good for your baby too. It is important for your baby to learn that you go away and then you come back. It is important for your baby to have the opportunity to bond with other people, which she isn’t likely to do as well if mom is always in the room. It is important for your baby to build confidence in their own independence and sense of self that comes when they learn that they can be happy and content when mom is away. It is good for them to learn that the other people who love them can meet their needs as well.

5. Don’t forget that you are a PERSON. It is so easy to lose yourself in parenthood and forget that you are a person. If you do this, it is not good for you or your child. It is also not good for your relationships, especially with your significant other. So, as your child gets older, be sure to add back into your life more and more of the things that you enjoy and that make you YOU. And remember, that what we nurture is what grows. Do don’t forget to nurture yourself and your other relationships. Don’t get caught in the trap of only nurturing your child. Give to yourself. Give to your partner. Give to your friendships. Give to your hobbies. Yes, now you are a parent, but you are still a person!

6. If you find that you are having difficulty feeling joy, if you find yourself stressed out all of the time, if you think you may be anxious or depressed, know that you are not alone! Not only is this a hard time due to the stressors a new child creates, it is also a hormonally unbalanced time (if you have recently given birth). If you feel you need it, do not be afraid to seek professional help, it can make all the difference. And be sure to let your support systems know that you are struggling. Talk about your feelings and your challenges; and remember, there is nothing to be ashamed of! If you are talking to another parent, trust me, we understand!

Rochelle Whitson is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.