THERAPIST THURSDAY: Back To School; How To Make It a Success

It’s that time of year again… the kids are heading back to school! With new backpacks and shoes; it’s a fresh start full of expectations. But how can us parents help our kids be successful? Here are a few suggestions to help them reach their potential…

1. Help them develop SELF DISCIPLINE.

I’m not sure of the formal definition of this concept, but to me self discipline is doing what you need to do and not just want you want to do. It’s making the decision in the moment that is the right one, even if it’s not the fun one.

Self-discipline is a learned trait. It is not something we are born with. For some, it is easier to develop than for others, and this is probably mainly based on personality. But it is important that all kids develop self-discipline, as it is necessary for a person to accomplish their goals. If you have a kid that already possesses this trait, then consider yourself lucky, but if your kid tends to be lazy, or opts for things like Fortnight or Netflix over doing their homework or studying for a test, then it is important that you help them develop the ability to choose to do the latter over the former. Keep in mind that it is not unusual that your kid would rather opt for the fun activity over the one that involves work. Some parents seem to think of this as a character flaw and become quite frustrated with their child, but it is just human nature. Most people will choose the easy or fun thing until they develop the skill of applying self-discipline to accomplish their goals. The suggestions below will assist with this.

2. Let them make some of their own choices

Instead of dictating where or when they will do homework, let them be involved in the decision-making process. You may ask them if they want to do their homework before or after they’ve had a snack. You can ask them what their homework is for the day and then ask them how they plan to get it done. They may choose where they are going to do their homework. You could ask them how long they think they need to study for that upcoming test and then what their plan is to break that down into time per day. When you allow them to make these decisions, make sure they understand that they will only be allowed to do so if the outcome is desirable. For example, my son wanted to begin doing his homework at the desk in his room instead of at the kitchen table. I told him that would be fine as long as he got it all done without being distracted and kept his door open. I told him he was welcome to continue to do this as long as his grades didn’t slip. If the kid’s plan seems unrealistic (believing he only needs to study for a big test the night before, for example), you can let them fail with that plan once and see if he comes up with a better plan the next time, saying something when the next test comes around like, “how long do you plan on studying for your test?” If he says a longer period of time or that he wants to start studying several days before, tell him you think that’s a good idea. If he opts for the same plan as before (that was not successful), you can say something like, “well remember that studying only the night before did not work for you last time, so why don’t you come up with a better plan and let me know.” If he continues to say that is all the time he needs, you can say, “you can come up with a realistic plan or I will have to come up with a plan for you, and that will involve studying in my presence for a half hour each day between now and the test.”

3. Create accountability

In order for a person to develop self-discipline, there must be accountability, especially if that person does not possess the personality that has a natural drive towards achievement in school. Setting expectations and consequences, both positive and negative will help create that accountability and set the child up for success. I suggest sitting down with the child at the beginning of the school year and discussing what that accountability will look like. Ask them what their goals are for the year. Discuss your expectations. Develop a plan that creates regular accountability. Be clear on what is expected and what will happen, both positively and negatively, depending on how they do at meeting those expectations. Be clear that things like cell phones, video games, access to WIFI, and time with friends are all privileges that are earned when they take care of their responsibilities.

How they have performed in the past will determine how much accountability they need in the present. If your kid has not been performing to potential, my suggestion is to create some sort of daily and weekly accountability. This could be a form they have to have signed daily by each teacher stating what their homework is and if there are any missing assignments. It could include the child showing you their school’s performance app by a certain time each day. It could mean having your kid show you on Fridays by 5pm their grades and that there are no missing assignments on the school’s grading app, in order for them to earn weekend privileges or the ability to keep their phone for the next week.

Be sure the expectation: 1. has a timeline; 2. has clear positive and negative consequences (“if you show me your grades by 5pm on Friday and there are no missing assignments and your grades are at this level, you will have earned your weekend and the privilege of keeping your phone.”)

4. Have them be responsible for their responsibilities… not you

Be sure your expectation requires the KID TO DO THE WORK. The kid is responsible for showing you their grades. The kid is responsible for having the form signed. The kid is responsible for remembering the time deadline for showing you. If they forget, let them, DO NOT REMIND THEM! Allow them to experience the consequence that you set up for not holding up to their end of the bargain. If you remind them or chase them down, you will be doing it all school year long! But if you simply let them experience losing their phone (or whatever the consequence was) and you do not get upset, yell, or lecture, you will set up the school year for success because the kid will have an opportunity to learn from their mistake and find a way to ensure they do it better next time. They will also have learned that you’re doing it differently now, you’re requiring them to be responsible and you’re not getting frustrated with reminding them and getting angry. Instead, you are simply following through with what you said you would do! And you will find that this is very powerful!

5. Do NOT show anger. Instead, handle everything in a very calm and methodical manner. You set up the expectations and the consequences, now your job is easy, you simply enforce what you said would happen. It is not your job to make them follow through, it is simply their job to show them what will happen if they do not follow through. Let them learn from this. If you show anger, the issue becomes about you and the child, not about the child’s decisions and actions. The learning lesson will be lost. One of the things I often say to myself is, “it is not my job to make her do her homework, it is only my job to follow through with what I said I would do if she didn’t.” If your consequences are one she really cares about, you will eventually get a kid who does her homework. She may just have to learn the hard way a few times. That’s OK, if it’s set up right, it’s not like she’ll be doing ANYTHING fun instead of homework anyway. And that is being a wise parent!

Rochelle Whitson is a family therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She is also author of the blog www.meetme4therapy.com.