THERAPIST THURSDAY: Beware, This Will End Your Relationship!

You are in love. You want it to last forever. You’ve taken the plunge and gotten married. Rather that was a year ago or twenty years ago, it is very important that you never do ONE THING. If you already do that thing, it’s important that you stop TODAY.

This may all sound a little dramatic, but it is actually based on solid research. Dr. John Gottman studied couples over a twenty-year period, and the ones who did this one thing almost always ended up divorced by the end of the twenty-year study. So… what is this one thing and how can you avoid doing it?

It is called HARSH START-UP, and it refers to the way a conflict discussion begins. When it starts with either criticism and/ or sarcasm, we call this a harsh start-up. When this occurs, you’ve pretty much guaranteed that the conversation will end negatively. When this is done over and over in a relationship, the relationship is very likely to end at some point. It can take years for this unsatisfactory interaction to end a marriage, but as the resentment and dissatisfaction grows, it erodes the relationship to a point where it eventually ends it.

If you find yourself starting conversations in a harsh manner, there are a few things you must do to change it. First of all, you must evaluate why you do this in the first place. Often people begin difficult conversations in a harsh way out of fear. They are afraid they may not be heard or get what they are looking for out of the conversation. This may be due to their history of not getting their needs met within the relationship. It can also be because of the past, not getting their needs met in past relationships or even with one’s parents as a child. This fear makes it difficult for a person to express themselves in a vulnerable manner. It can make us ask for things with a harshness that actually ensures the person will not get their needs met, because we have caused the other person to feel defensive right from the first sentence. If you have had this pattern for years, then this fear of not getting needs met has been continuously reinforced by the reaction you have received over time, which has furthered the underlying belief that you will not be heard and cared for.

Now that you understand why you do this, you must look at beginning to change it. I encourage you to notice your language, both your verbal and your non-verbal language. Pay attention to the words you use. Try not to start the conversation with something that is blaming. Try not to talk about the other person’s behavior that you don’t like. Instead, focus on how you feel when something happens. We call this “I statements.” For example, “I feel disrespected when you don’t listen to what I need” instead of “you never listen to what I need.” Notice your non-verbal language as well. Most of our communication happens in how we present our words and how our body moves as we do so. If you have a critical delivery, your voice is raised, or your body seems angry, your start-up will come across as harsh.

Pay attention to your body reactions. As you are speaking, and even with the anticipation of talking with your partner before you even begin, notice what your body is telling you. Have your muscles tightened up? Is your heart beating faster? Does your stomach feel nervous? These are all signs you are feeling emotional about the conversation you are about to have or are having. These are all indications that you may become harsh in your delivery, because you are feeling vulnerable. If you can recognize these signs, then you can take some deep breaths and remind yourself not to become harsh or blaming.

Once you are able to speak in a more vulnerable manner, using I statements and not blaming or criticizing, you can begin focusing on using clear communication. State what it is that you need. Don’t assume your partner understands what you are saying or what you want. Let them know what you need. Have faith that they will want to meet your needs and that you can allow yourself some vulnerability with them.

Last but not least, if you find yourself struggling with these issues, seek professional help! Don’t wait until harsh start-up has destroyed the relationship. Get the help now! These patterns are hard to change because they activate the limbic system of the brain. When we are interacting with our partner, especially regarding what we need from the relationship, we are not using the rational thinking part of our brain. Our danger responses are easily activated. This is a difficult pattern to change without intervention. So, if you find yourself in this situation, I urge you to get help with it before your relationship is eroded to the point of no return.

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If you have a suggestion for a future article for Therapist Thursday, feel free to email Rochelle at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist working in private practice in Temecula, CA.