THERAPIST THURSDAY: Creating Responsibility in Our Kids

You are not alone! In this world where we have gotten the message as parents that our kids must always be happy and catered to, we have come to believe that this is what “good parenting” is. But with this expectation, we have forgotten a few things about human nature that are critical if we are to raise responsible, capable humans.

Here are a few tips to change things:

1. Don’t bail them out. If your kid always forgets their lunch, stop bringing it to them. If they get in trouble for not turning in their homework, don’t email the teacher and “explain the situation.” Instead, allow them to experience the natural consequence that will come from these actions. Allow the to figure out lunch on their own. Let them have detention for not turning in their homework. Remember that we learn much more from our failures than from our successes. If the consequence inconveniences them enough or causes them enough discomfort, they will correct the behavior.

2. Stop reminding them. When parents complain to me that their kid “always has to be reminded” to do something, the first question I have is, why are they being reminded? If it is developmentally appropriate to expect the child to do the thing without a remind, then stop reminding them to do it. And again, let them suffer the consequence of not following through. If we remind our children constantly to do things, we are training them to wait until the reminder to think about it. We are actually training them NOT to be responsible. If the task is something that won’t have an immediate natural consequence, then assign one to them. For example, if their job is to unload the dishwasher in the morning before they go to school, and they leave for school without doing it, then maybe when they get home, they have to unload it and do another chore as well. Feeling the pain of this additional chore will become their reminder to do the task they are assigned. And they will train their brain to remember it in the future. You can also suggest ways they might remember by saying something like, “when I forget certain things, I usually set a reminder in my phone, and this helps me not to forget.”

3. Let others in authority be in authority. One of the biggest mistakes we are making with our youth today, in my opinion, is that we are not allowing those in charge to be in charge. We are instead getting angry at the teacher for being mean to our kid, instead of giving our kid a consequence for being disrespectful to the teacher. If your kid has a difficult teacher or coach, there are many lessons to be learned from this about how the real-world works. Instead of intervening and giving the authority figure a piece of your mind, maybe it is better to pause, and teach your kid strategies to be successful in difficult circumstances. And if your kid is just WRONG or being a little jerk (as ALL kids can be), allow them to suffer the consequences of their actions. Recently my child had his phone removed for using it in class. It was given to administration and I received a phone call telling me they would have it for the day. I sent the teacher an email to THANK him for teaching my son that it is not OK for him to be on his phone in class. I’d bet before the teacher opened the email, he was anticipating it would contain a parent complaint or admonishment of the teacher or the policy. If we all work together for the benefit of our kids, including teaching them to respect authority, we will raise more responsible humans who understand the importance of respect and appropriate behavior.

4. Require them to earn the money for what they want. Instead of buying your kid that latest video game or device, require them to work for it. This is what teaches them the value of money, not us TELLING them that something was expensive. If they have to put in work to get what they want, they are much more likely to respect it once they have it and take care of it better. It will also mean much more to them. This also creates a natural delayed gratification, which is so important for kids to learn, especially in this world where virtually everything is at our fingertips. Learning to wait to get something they want is a lesson that will help them be less entitled humans.

5. Remember that kids NEED to feel some pain or discomfort. As parents, we sometimes believe it is our job to make our kids lives always comfortable and happy. But this is not how life works. The truth is, no matter how great of a life your kids have, at some point something difficult or challenging will come along. People who have experienced some pain or discomfort (through experiencing consequences, having to problem solve solutions instead of having the answers handed to them, having had to work for things, experiencing delayed gratification, etc.) are much better prepared for such experiences. They are ready to face the world, they feel confident they can overcome challenges, and they are more emotionally grounded. They are, overall, more prepared humans for the curve balls that life can throw us.

6. Remember the old saying that “necessity is the mother of invention.” Most great inventions have come out of a lack of something. The need to create something better creates the motivation to change things. And this applies not just to inventions. It applies to life. When kids are left to their own problem solving, when they are not bailed out of hard circumstances, they begin to dig deep and challenge themselves. When that kid solves their own problem or suffers through a consequence and learns from it, or earns what they are wanting, that kid is now more confident and more likely to do the same thing the next time things get hard. When we, as parents, take away necessity because we always solve their problems, we rob them of the opportunities to become the responsible, capable humans we wish for them to be.

Rochelle Whitson is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

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