THERAPIST THURSDAY: DATING: People SHOW Us Who They Are!

Have you ever been in a relationship that is unsatisfying, where you are constantly trying to get the person to see or do things your way? And no matter how hard you try, the person does not change?

I think for most of us, the answer to this question is “yes”! At some point we have all been in a relationship where we kept hoping the other person would change. Where we kept hoping they would see it our way. Where we kept hoping they would do things different and we could be happy. And yet, time and time again, the result ends up the same. There is arguing and conflict, disappointment and discontent. Even if the person changes for a short period of time, eventually they return to their own ways. For those of us who are lucky, this is a thing of the past. Maybe something we were involved in when we were younger, but then we grew and realized this pattern is unhealthy, and now we no longer try to change others. But for others of us, maybe this pattern continues. If you find yourself continuously in relationships that are dissatisfying, if you constantly hope the other person will change, if you keep giving that person “one more chance”, there may be a problem.

Here are some signs you are in such a relationship:

1. You have to tell the other person how to act or what to do. You feel like you need to constantly let the person know that they need to take care of responsibilities. You need to tell them to clean up after themselves. You have to remind them of deadlines. And you are afraid that if you don’t do these things, they won’t do what they need to do. And you don’t just worry about this because you are a worrier, you have tried to back off, and they prove to you time and time again that they will not follow through without your guidance.

2. The person doesn’t take responsibility for their own actions. This can apply to a multitude of issues. Maybe the person is too big of a flirt, maybe it’s insecurity or controlling behavior, maybe it’s getting angry to easily. Whatever the issue is, the person makes excuses for their behavior and doesn’t take responsibility for their choices. They blame others. They blame you. They blame circumstances. They blame everything and everyone but themselves.

3. You lecture the person on proper behavior or morals. Maybe you tell the person when they’re drinking too much. Maybe you police what food they eat. Maybe you wake them up every morning so they’re not late for work. If you feel like the nag in this relationship, you may be trying to change your partner.

4. You don’t really trust the person to do the right thing. If you weren’t there, they would not do what they should. If you weren’t watching over them or bossing them around, they would fail. And you know this. This is why you are controlling and nagging. The truth is, you don’t trust them to do the right thing without your influence.

5. You have to constantly ask for what you need in the relationship. Maybe the person isn’t as affectionate as you. Maybe they are not as romantic, or not as neat, or not as responsible. Whatever the issue is, you know you will never get what you want unless you are constantly asking for it.

If any of these things sound familiar to you, you may be in a relationship that is not a good fit for you. You have likely fallen into the trap so many of us do, the one where we try to change a person to make them who we think they should be or to make them a good fit for us. Here’s the problem with this, people DON’T REALLY CHANGE! Can we become better versions of ourselves, ABSOLUTELY! But only if we want to. We will not do it because someone else thinks it’s best for us. We will not do it unless we really want to do it!

In trying to find a partner that is best suited for you, the most important thing to keep in mind is that PEOPLE SHOW US WHO THEY ARE! They don’t tell us. They show us. Anyone can say words. Anyone can seem tidy or motivated or affectionate in the beginning stages of a relationship. But it’s what happens as the relationship goes forward that is the true test of who a person is.

So, in the dating world, the best thing to do it to give it time. When someone seems considerate, don’t say to yourself “he’s considerate”, instead say “so far he seems considerate.” Don’t say, “she’s hard working”, say “so far she seems hard working.” Don’t listen to him when he says he’s always thoughtful or she’s affectionate, WAIT and see what time teaches you about those things. (Of course, don’t voice your doubts, but just sit back and see who the person teaches you they truly are through their actions).

When we try to change people, we make a huge mistake, and ultimately both people will be unhappy with the relationship. But if we instead sit back and let their actions over time show us who they are, then we can make a decision on if they are a good fit for us. Now does that mean that if we are tidy and they are not, that it is not a match? Not necessarily. If you are willing to deal with someone who is not tidy, then you may be a match. But it’s important that you recognize and accept them for who they are and what their natural habits are, and then you really think about if this will work for you or not. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Of course, the two of you can discuss the difference and come up with a plan that solves the problem. But after that plan is put in place, you will need to give it time to see if it is adhered to enough to be a match for you.

Because, here’s the deal, we all have different parts of who we are. We all have strengths and we all have flaws. Finding the perfect person for YOU isn’t about finding the perfect person, it’s about finding the right fit. And you will never do that if you try to change another person. It will only happen when you pay attention to who they SHOW you they are and then you decide if that works for you or not. Doing so will allow you to create satisfying relationships in your life!

Rochelle Whitson is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.