THERAPIST THURSDAY: Depression During the Holiday Season

Tis the season for joy and happiness, right? But for many people this is not the case. The holidays are a time of sadness, stress, or even depression for some. The reasons for this are varied and many. The solutions are as varied as the causes and the individuals experiencing the distress. Here are a few of the more common causes, along with some suggestions for combating these feelings:

1. An increase in demands leads to an increase in stress, anxiety, or depression. These demands include time, money, and emotional strain. The to-do list increases greatly during this time of year. There are presents to buy, decorations to put up, traditions to make time for, gifts to wrap, and food to prepare. There are parties to attend, pictures to be taken. The list goes on and on. Finding the time for all of these extra activities, particularly on top of an already busy schedule, can feel overwhelming. Finding the money to make it all happen can be stressful. Often people spend money they don’t have, feeling the pressure to do so in order to create what they think they should during the holidays. People often experience more stress from these experiences than the joy it is supposed to give them. So, I encourage everyone out there to take a look at all of these activities and events. Do a simple cost-benefit analysis to determine which things add more to your life than they take away. Keep those events and activities as part of your holiday routine, but consider letting go of those that cost more than they benefit you or your family. The emotional demands of this time of year can increase feelings of anxiety or depression as well. Having to interact with those that are draining to you can quickly wear you down. This is addressed more in the section on family issues.

2. Family issues. We all have this image in our head of the happy family around the Christmas tree, enjoying a meal together at the table, or singing carols together happily. However, many families do not have this dynamic. Many families have tension or unresolved issues between them. Many families do not get along and some don’t even really like each other. This is highlighted during the holiday season when the expectation is that the time be spent with family. This can increase stress and can also exacerbate depression. Being face to face with these family issues can be depressing! One way to manage this challenge is to limit time with family that is stressful. Ask yourself how many hours you can be around this person before things start to deteriorate and then schedule events or activities so they end prior to that time. Managing expectations will also get results. Remember that your mom drives you crazy or your uncle gets loud and obnoxious and expect this to occur. This will help it not to bother you so much when the inevitable occurs. Another useful strategy is to create more time with people you enjoy being around. There is no real rule that says our time must all be spent with family during the holidays. Maybe after you leave that event with family where you limited your time to keep things positive, you meet one of your favorite people for coffee. Find ways to decompress after dealing with a family issue. Maybe workout or talk with a friend, have a hot cup of tea and read a relaxing book. Do not just let things build up!

3. Feelings of inferiority. We all deal with feelings of inferiority from time to time. This is normal. During the holidays, with all of the images of the ideal situation or how things are “supposed to be”, we can find ourselves comparing our situation to that of others who we think have it more together. If we don’t make the perfect holiday cookies or joyfully sing Christmas songs as we wrap presents, we may think we don’t measure up. Our self talk can become very negative and unrealistic. To manage this, work on noticing this self talk. Whenever you are comparing yourself, stop and remind yourself of the good things in your life and what your strengths are. Be sure not to buy into the idea that perfection is necessary, or even possible.

4. Social isolation. All of the “togetherness” of the holidays can highlight one’s own isolation. A person may not think they were invited to enough parties or believe they don’t have enough events to attend. People may avoid family all together and then end up feeling alone. To combat social isolation, consider these suggestions: try volunteering in an organization that serves others with others; attend a church or other organization that has things going on that you can get involved it; seek out companionship with others you’ve met and use this time as an opportunity to get involved or take some social risks; participate in community events.

5. Preconceived notions of how one should feel or how things should go. This sense of how the holidays “should” go or what they “should” look like is prevalent this time of year. There are images everywhere that depict happiness, togetherness, joy, and peace. When we compare this to the sadness, stress, or anxiety we may feel, it only exacerbates these feelings. Now on top of whatever was giving us those emotions to begin with, we are compounding it with our self talk that we are not doing things the way we “should” be. To deal with this, try changing those thoughts, drop the expectations, allow things to be what they are going to be instead of trying to force them to be something they are not. Understand that this is what real life looks like. Remember that these other images are propaganda, it is not real. Forget expecting things to be a certain way and learn to embrace them for what they really are. Remember that “perfect” really isn’t possible, and that in the messiness of it all lies the real joy of the holidays!

6. Grief or loss. A huge issue during the holidays that can contribute to sadness or even depression is the grief of big losses. If we have lost a loved one, this is increasingly difficult during the holidays when we have historically been around this person. If we experienced a divorce, this is often reflected on and the loss felt more heavily during this time of year. To work through these feelings, it is important to acknowledge it, to talk about it, and to allow yourself to grieve the loss. While it may always be a challenging time of year, remember that if you allow yourself to grieve, that loss will not feel quite as heavy as the years pass. But be sure to give yourself what you need now and don’t expect yourself to be happy or joyful if the loss is overpowering any feelings of happiness.

Depression can be a very real issue during the holidays, as can stress, sadness, or anxiety. Remember to take care of yourself, try to eat well and get plenty of rest, and exercise as you can. Take it one day at a time, manage your expectations, and most importantly, structure the holidays to be what you want them to be instead of what you think they should be. If you are depressed, keep in mind that it is likely a temporary state. Don’t isolate, find ways to reach out and get involved. You are not alone in these feelings! And of course, if you need professional assistance, be sure to get it.

For more article ideas, feel free to email Rochelle at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

Rochelle Whitson is a psychotherapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. For more articles, subscribe to her blog at www.meetme4therapy.com.