THERAPIST THURSDAY: Depression During the Holidays

For the majority of people, the holidays are a time of celebration and happiness. But for some, the holiday season is a time of increased depression, sometimes known as the “holiday blues.” A variety of factors may influence a person’s mood negatively during this time of year. Here is a list of a few, along with some suggestions for what to do about them:

· Increased stress

The holidays are a time when stress is usually higher. The increased demands on our time, our money and our energy increase our stress levels. We find ourselves spending every waking moment trying to take care of all of the details that will make the holidays special, from shopping to wrapping to cooking to cleaning. Of course, this is all in addition to our regular responsibilities, which for most of us already is a full schedule. Many people develop insomnia, are not eating properly or are overeating, and they are generally not taking care of themselves as a result of all of the stress. It’s very easy to put our own self-care on the back burner when we simply don’t have enough time to do it all. I would highly encourage you NOT to do that, however. When our stress hormones are higher and our adrenaline is pumping more often, the last thing we need it to compound that stress with poor self-care. Instead, try to be cognizant of what you are eating and make sure you are getting the proper nutrition. Definitely try not to sacrifice sleep as a way to take care of other duties. If you find yourself waking in the middle of the night with things to add to your to-do list, I suggest putting a paper and pen by your bed and, without turning on the light, write down what came to mind. Then tell yourself you don’t have to think about it again until tomorrow because it’s written down so you won’t forget it.

· Family relationships that are either strained or non-existent

If a person doesn’t have anyone to spend the holidays with, LONLINESS often ensues. Even individuals who are usually completely content being by themselves can become lonely during the holiday season. There is a certain expectation to be with family and friends during this time of year, and not having people around can be a reminder of missing or strained relationships. If you find that this is you this holiday season, I encourage you to reach out to those you know and let them know. It may surprise you if you look around how many people are in your life and would be happy to extend you an invitation to their event, not out of pity but because they would like to have you around. Many people don’t consider doing this because they assume you will be with family members for the holidays. Once they know this is not the case, you may be surprised at the invitations you receive. So talk with your neighbors, co-workers or friends and let them know that you do not have plans. Reach out on social media. Let people know you are feeling lonely. People care! But if they aren’t aware of the situation, they don’t have the opportunity to show it. If you are not around family due to strained relationships, I encourage you to consider mending those broken bonds this season. We can have people in our lives we don’t necessarily agree with or particularly like to be around usually, but we can still get enjoyment from our time with them during the holiday season. This is particularly possible if you keep topics to neutral subjects and enjoy the common activities and traditions of the holidays without getting into deep conversations about more-controversial subjects. If you find yourself lonely and none of these solutions would be realistic for your situation, consider volunteering at a nonprofit this holiday season. Nothing lifts the spirit or creates a sense of community like helping others in need.

· Unrealistic expectations

This is a big issue during the holidays. Part of it is made up in our own minds, and part of it is encouraged by the commercialism of the holiday season. It becomes so easy to develop unrealistic expectations about so many things — about how our home is decorated, how everyone will get along (especially the kids), how clean our house will be, what the meal will be like. It’s not difficult to find many images everywhere depicting what the “perfect” holiday would look like. It’s nearly impossible to live up to these expectations. The solution to this issue is very simply stated yet often very difficult to execute: It is to CHANGE THOSE EXPECTATIONS. Take away the idea that things must be perfect. Expect that the kids are still going to argue with each other. Give yourself a break if the meal burns or the house is a mess. Remember the first issue mentioned above about stress: If you’re going to keep self-care on the list, PERFECT probably won’t be achievable. But that’s OK. I learned long ago that what everyone actually remembers about the holidays isn’t if it was perfect; instead, it’s the warm feelings of being connected and enjoying down time together — fights and all. So remember to keep it real this holiday season. Adjust your expectations from perfect to real and enjoy every second of it, because it’s all a part of what it is really about: time and those we love!

· Emotional memory of difficult times past

If you had a difficult childhood or if anything traumatic or emotionally taxing happened to you during the holiday season, there’s a good chance that this time of year may bring up negative emotions for you. That can present itself as a general sense of sadness, or it may feel more like a tightness within your body. It can feel like depression, or it can be an increased sense of anxiety, maybe including panic attacks. This is due to the limbic system within the brain. This part of the brain holds what is called EMOTIONAL MEMORY, which is a feeling that comes over our body when we are exposed to a stimulus that triggers such a memory. With the holidays being filled with so many specific sights, sounds and smells that are only around during this season, it creates the perfect scenario for the surfacing of negative emotional memories. If this is the case for you, I encourage you to acknowledge the feeling. Describe via journaling or to someone close to you what the feeling is in your body. Discuss what it is you remember that you are associating with the holidays. Cry about it if you need to. Talk about your anger if that is what you are feeling. Whatever the emotion, getting it out instead of keeping it bottled up is the key to releasing it and beginning to make new associations in the brain’s limbic system. If you feel that these emotional memories are strong and unmanageable, I encourage you to seek professional help. There is no reason for you to continue to be stuck year after year and miss out on being able to create new and happy memories for yourself and those you love.

The holidays can be a time of joy and celebration. For some, they can also be a time of pain. If you find yourself depressed during this season, I encourage you to reach out to those who love you and let them know about your pain. If you find yourself having thoughts about self-harm, please go to the nearest emergency room, call 911 or call the National Helpline at 800-662-HELP (4357). If you need additional help with depression, please don’t suffer in silence; instead seek professional help.

Rochelle Whitson is a licensed therapist in private practice in Temecula, California. She can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.