THERAPIST THURSDAY: Divorce: How to Minimize the Toll on the Kids

Divorce is a very hard thing for a child to go through. No matter how much the adults in their lives tell them it is not their fault and that everything will be OK, they will still have a lot of emotion about it, which may include sadness, confusion, regret, guilt, and anger, to name just a few. Their world is being torn in two. The two adults who brought them into the world and taught the child to love them both are now telling them they will no longer be together. Their world suddenly becomes separated and this is understandably confusing. But children can recover from divorce. They can continue to be happy individuals once they grieve the loss divorce causes them. How much the divorce continues to impact them and how emotionally healthy they are will depend greatly on how the adults in their lives handle things. I’ve complied a list of some of the mistakes I often see happen in families and some information about how to best handle these issues.

v Telling kids you plan to separate or divorce

If the divorce is amicable, I strongly suggest telling the children together that you plan to separate or divorce. Be sure to stress that it is not anybody’s fault and that you both love them very much. Do not give too much information and never blame the divorce on one parent. Don’t say things like, “well it’s your mom who wants the divorce and not me” or “your dad had an affair and this is why this is happening”. Tell them you just have differences that you are not able to work out. If they ask more questions either at that moment or later, which they are very likely to do, keep it vague. If they push, tell them that they are asking about adult issues that they do not need to concern themselves with. Encourage them to focus on their own emotions and be sure to validate however they feel. It is very normal for them to feel angry, sad, and confused. Do not try to talk them out of these feelings. Let them know that it is understandable that they feel this way and that you are always there if they need to talk.

v Don’t be afraid to bring up the divorce and ask them about their feelings about it.

Some people take the approach of not wanting to ask the kids about how they are feeling about the divorce because they do not want to make them sad if they were otherwise happy. Trust me when I say this, your kid has not forgotten about the divorce if it has been recent. If they are not talking about it then they are not processing their feelings. This does not mean they do not have feelings about it. And not processing their feelings can lead to issues like depression or anxiety. So while I don’t suggest you nag them about it daily, bringing it up from time to time is a positive thing to do. Ask them how they are feeling. If they roll their eyes and tell you they’re fine, leave it alone for then, but tell them they can talk with you whenever they would like and bring it up again later.

v Don’t tell them about an affair or any other indiscretion or betrayal or bad decision their parent has made.

This is probably one of the most challenging suggestions. If you have been betrayed by your partner in some way, you will feel very angry, understandably. It can be easy to fall into the trap of believing that shielding the children from this information is stopping the other parent from experiencing the consequences of their actions. It can feel very validating if your child knows about the betrayal and is equally as angry at their parent. But I can not stress enough that any satisfaction you would get from this is at a HUGE expense to your child. Your child, even a teenager or young adult, does not have the life experience to understand that marriages are extremely complicated and that any decision their parent made had nothing to do with their love or caring for the child. Your child WILL feel less loved by their parent. And this has devastating consequences to their own sense of self worth and their own sense of emotional safety in this world.

v Be sure they know you encourage them to still love the other parent.

No matter what has happened between you and the other parent or even between the other parent and the child, that child still loves both of their parents. They may be angry or confused or disappointed, but the love is not gone. And that child needs to know that that is OK, that they do not have to choose which parent to love. They need to know that however they feel is OK with you and that you will support them in all of their emotions. You can say subtle things that will let them know that they don’t have to choose: “did you tell your dad about your award?”, “I’ll text your mom and tell her about your upcoming performance”, “I bet your dad would be interested in hearing about what happened in class today, be sure to mention it when you talk to him.” These kinds of statements let your kid know that not only is it OK for them to include the other parent in their life, but that it does not hurt your feelings for them to do so and that they do not have to choose. This is HUGE for a child’s emotional health and it gives them a sense of safety that everything will be alright in their world. That even though mom and dad may not be together anymore, they still understand that the kid loves both of their parents.

v Never talk negatively about the other parent to the children or even in front of the children.

This is especially difficult at the beginning of a separation or if there is ongoing conflict and/ or court appearances. Everyone in your world, your friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, etc. wants to know what happened. If you are angry or hurt, which is very likely, it may feel very good to talk to these people about it. It is likely an emotional need you have. But doing this in the presence of the children can be devastating to them. It splits their world more and it feels as though you are talking negatively about them (the child) when you talk negatively about their other parent. Remember that they love their parent, even if that person has been a complete jerk. There is still love. And talking about that other parent hurts that child, rather they recognize it then or not. Keep in mind also that the kids will be more diligent in listening for conversations, so be extremely careful of even phone calls while the children are home. They may even listen at doors or lurk behind corners.

v Do not defend yourself by giving specifics, even if the other parent is attacking you.

This is another tall order! If the other parent is not following the guidelines above and is saying negative things about you to or around the children, it will be extremely challenging not to defend yourself to the child; after all, you don’t want the child believing things that are not true! But if you start to tell the kid the details of what occurred in an effort to defend yourself, you are now violating the guideline above as well, and your child is left with no safe island in the middle of the biggest storm of their life. Instead they are now drowning in rough waters. They need you to be their rock, their island, and in order to do so you must be committed to not contributing to tearing their world apart further. To do this, you must remain solely about their emotions and have boundaries that protect their emotional health. Even if they beg you for the “truth” or for further information. If what is being said is a complete lie, you may say something like, “sweetheart, that is not the truth” and then ask them how they are feeling. If they ask you to explain further, an appropriate answer would be, “adult relationships are complicated and I don’t want you to be burdened by things you can not understand. Instead, understand that even though your mom/ dad may be angry right now, we both love you. Try to focus on being 12 (or whatever age they are), know that you can always talk to me about how you feel, and try not to worry about what mom/ dad is saying right now.” Wow! You have just been a calm island for your child in the middle of the storm! And then go vent to your friends or family about what is being said about you when your kid is at least a mile away.

v Do not hide your emotions, but do not let them see you falling apart either.

Your kid needs to know that it is normal and appropriate for them to be sad, and that you are sad too. If they see you shed a few tears this can help them understand that it is OK to feel things and to express them. At the same time, if they believe you are devastated and falling apart, (as you may be), their sense of safety will be shaken and their anxiety will increase. So, save the falling apart moments for when your children are in bed or out of the house. Use those times to cry, to journal, and to talk with friends and family. When you are in the children’s presence, try to be about their emotions and try to establish a new “normal” routine for them.

v Do not confide in your child or lean on them emotionally.

No matter how old or how mature your child is, I can promise you that it is not good for their emotional health for you to lean on your child emotionally or confide in them with what you are going through. They may be very understanding and helpful in the moment, they may even provide good advice and they may seem eager to help, but make no mistake about it, it is costing them emotionally. You will need a confidant during this challenging time and it is advisable that you find a few people you can lean on regularly. I just strongly urge you not to make your child one of them! There are likely to be severe consequences for that in the future!

v Say things that give your child the message that you still support the other parent’s parenting and that you are still a team when it comes to parenting.

Say things like, “I will need to run that by your mother” or “your dad and I will need to discuss your consequences” and “I texted your mom about this”. These things let them know that while you are not together, they have not lost anything when it comes to who is parenting them and how they are doing it. This will minimize acting out behavior and will let them know they will not be able to use any conflict between the two of you to get away with negative behavior. It will create a sense that they still have a parental unit that looks out for them the same way they always have.

v If at all possible, continue to have family gatherings that involve both parents.

One of the most burdensome issues for children of divorce is the sense that they have to choose. Children will often dread their events if they know the parents will not be sitting together. The burden of trying to figure out which parent to approach first when they exit the stage or field can be heavy. The worry that if they go out to eat with this parent or that after an event can be a lot for them to manage. But if mom and dad can both take the child out to eat or can host a birthday party or family gathering together, that burden goes away. The kid will also feel like they haven’t lost as much, that their world has not become totally divided just because their parents are no longer a couple.

v Be friendly with each other in front of the kids.

If you cannot stand the sight of your ex-spouse, I understand that this is a tall order as well! But remember that you do not have to be friends, you just have to behave in a friendly manner for the short time you are around each other. I have faith that most parents love their kids enough to be able to suck it up and do this for their children once they understand what it gives the kid and the burden that it relieves for them.

v Don’t make your child choose between you and their other parent.

If you follow all of the advice above, this will greatly reduce any sense that the child has to choose. This will allow them to focus on their own emotions and on the many challenges of growing up. You will have given them the gift of one less thing to worry about!

v Make sure your child has some outlet for their emotions.

If your child is not talking with you about how they feel after a separation, make sure they are talking to someone! Maybe it’s a friend, an aunt, a family member or sibling, but make sure it is someone. If kids (or anyone, for that matter) hold in their feelings, they are likely to develop other issues. They can develop anxiety or depression or begin acting out. If you worry that this may be occurring, it is advisable to seek professional help.

Divorce is hard! It is my hope that these tips will help provide some guidance to navigate this very challenging time in the lives of families. While these tips apply to most situations, if there is abuse or substance abuse, or other severe issues involved, some of these tips may need to be modified to some degree. If you have concerns about how to handle such issues, I would suggest seeking professional guidance so you are navigating these difficult issues in a manner that protects the emotional health of those you love as much as possible.

If you have suggestions for future articles, please email Rochelle Whitson at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

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Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA.