THERAPIST THURSDAY: Do You Have Toxic People in Your life?

… and what can be done about it?

People often come to therapy to either determine if they are in a toxic relationship or to figure out what to do about a toxic person in their life. A rule of thumb I always tell them is that A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD NOT COST MORE THAN YOU CAN AFFORD TO GIVE. So, what does this mean exactly? Let me explain…

A toxic person is typically self-absorbed and very focused on their own needs, interests, and emotions. They are usually not aware of the needs or desires of the other people in their life. If they are aware, they lack a concern about it, especially if their own interest is in direct conflict with the interest of others. A toxic person is not likely to change and is usually not even interested in doing so. Sometimes a toxic person may pretend to be interested in change, but that is typically because they are not getting their own needs met and realize they need to feign interest in doing things differently in order to convince the other person to stick around. Once things have settled down and the other person does not seem at risk of leaving the toxic person, the unhealthy behaviors will usually resume.

When a person is in a relationship with a toxic individual, a toxic relationship will be created. So, lets define what a toxic relationship is. It is any relationship that is unfavorable to you or others. If the relationship is not based on mutual admiration and respect, it is not healthy. Toxic relationships often cause people not to live a healthy life. It creates heartache, negative emotion, or a lot of drama and chaos. At least one person is not getting their needs met. When in a relationship with a toxic person, you will feel unheard, uncared for, unimportant, and even like what you want is silly or stupid. Toxic people are experts at making those around them doubt themselves and wonder if the problem is really them, maybe being too “needy” or expecting too much from the other person. A toxic person may give you what you want one minute, only to take it away another minute. A toxic relationship can obviously exist within a romantic relationship, but other relationships can be toxic as well. This can include relationships with family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc. It is important for one to be able to recognize when and where this toxicity exists in one’s life, as it will diminish happiness and create an ongoing sense of stress that is not good physically or emotionally.

Something most people do not think about or realize, however, is that it is not always the case that a toxic relationship is composed of even one toxic individual. Sometimes a toxic relationship is created by the mere incompatibility of the two people involved. For example, if one person needs to have a lot of control in their life and has a very strong personality and another person is very timid and has difficulty stating what they need, a toxic relationship can develop without either party intending to do this to the other. The direct person who likes to control details may plow over the more reserved person without meaning to or even realizing that is what is happening. This person may think, for example, that they are having a lively debate about an issue. While the other person may feel that their thoughts or opinions where just completely disregarded in the exchange. The person with the stronger personality may feel like they are perceived as controlling and may come to believe over time that their personality is a problem. Over time, this type of dynamic will cause severe dissatisfaction and unhappiness in one or both parties. Toxic relationships that don’t have intention of being disrespectful can sometimes be changed to become healthy relationships. This requires an increased awareness of what occurs in these exchanges and usually requires professional intervention to learn how to create a dynamic that meets the needs of both parties and leaves both people feeling heard and respected.

So, let’s go back to this litmus test of a relationship not costing more than one can afford to give. If a relationship is costing you happiness, emotional stability, self-doubt, a decrease in self-esteem, your “light” being dimmed, or reduced self-confidence, it is definitely more than you can afford to give. Remember that any relationship in your life should add to your life and add to your happiness. Those that don’t, cost too much.

Once it has been identified that a relationship is toxic, figuring out what to do with that becomes the next step. If the relationship should end, if the person should be cut out of your life or not, and if the person as an individual is toxic are all things that have to be figured out. The first step is determining if the person as an individual is just a toxic person. If this is the case, one should probably distance themselves from that person, unless the person makes genuine efforts at change. Usually a change of this magnitude would require professional assistance. Without this, the person is likely to be just “white knuckling” it, meaning they are gritting their teeth through trying not to do the same thing, but really haven’t learned any strategies to make substantial and permanent changes. If the person is not toxic but the relationship is, you must start to figure out why that is. Is it a personality difference? Is it fundamentally different expectations of people or relationships? Is it one person having different hopes or expectations of the relationship than the other person has? And then you must determine how much you have invested in the relationship and if it is worth it to keep trying and to work on changing things. Too often, people date and are trying to put a “square peg in a round hole” so to speak. It is OK to not be compatible. Trying to make it work if it’s just hard, even in the beginning, may be an indication that it isn’t a match. If there is a lot invested, especially when there is a family, then the answer may be different. Maybe working on it is the right decision for the individuals. As a marriage therapist, I can attest that great changes can be accomplished through the right interventions and satisfaction can be greatly improved. In these cases, toxic relationships can even become healthy ones. This same thing can apply within families as well.

So, determining what to do with a toxic relationship may be complicated. If you are in a relationship that costs more than you can afford to give, whatever you ultimately decide to do with that, I encourage you NOT to keep it the way it is! Everybody deserves to be respected and have their relationships enhance their lives instead of detracting from it. Everybody deserves to be free from toxic people and toxic relationships.

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. For more articles like this, please subscribe to her website at www.meetme4therapy.com.

Ms. Whitson can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.