THERAPIST THURSDAY: How to Get Your Kids to TALK to You!

When they do speak, listen. And I don’t mean the head nodding, “uh-huh-ing” that we do while checking our email. I mean the put down your phone and make eye contact kind of listening. The kind with no distractions. And the most important, be sure to JUST listen, no advise or negative comments about what they are saying.

If your kid does start talking spontaneously, it will likely be about something of high interest to them (and likely of no interest to you). But they are talking, and this is important. So, if they’re talking about the latest social media post, the outfit so-and-so was wearing, or their new favorite song, pay attention! Reflect what they say, ask questions that show your curiosity in the subject, appear to care about this topic. Because if your kid can connect with you on these topics that are irrelevant to you, they will be much more likely to share with you about something you do want to know about, such as if they and their friends are making good choices, if they need advice about dating, if someone has offered them drugs. Trust me, these connections start with the little things. Because when they feel that you care about what matters to them, they feel like they matter to you. You are then trustworthy with information, which greatly increases the changes they will turn to you when they really need you.

As parents, we are often too quick to offer advice. We think that’s our job. We hope that they will listen. But if we do not show empathy first, they will just shut down. So, what does this look like? If your kid is to share with you that the kid in their math class was mean to them, for example, ask them how that felt. Inquire about what happened and who was there. Tell them it sounds like maybe they were embarrassed (or whatever emotion you think they may have had). DO NOT jump in to interfere. If your kid thinks you’ll run right to the teacher or administration, they will simply stop sharing their pains with you, as this is not likely what they want you to do. Instead, hear them, validate them, and show them empathy. Let them know you care and you are here to talk about whatever comes up in their lives.

As humans, our most basic needs are about feeling like someone sees us and accepts us. When we are empathetic, the other person feels seen. When we validate their experiences, they feel understood and accepted. So, take some time to let them know you understand how they would feel how they feel. Say things like, “boy, that would make me mad too!” or “that must have been very frustrating” (or hurtful, or whatever else would likely be an emotion for that situation).
DO NOT offer unsolicited advice! Instead, ASK if they want our advice. I am telling you, as tempting as it may be to provide advice, if it is unsolicited, it is very likely to just shut the kid down. And they are very unlikely to actually follow the advice. This is because very often the only thing people are looking for is to be heard and understood, to get something off of their chest. If you feel it is a topic your kid could use some help with, ask them only after listening well and being very empathetic if they would like to hear your thoughts on the topic or some suggestions about what they could do. If they say yes, they will be open to hearing what you have to say because they were able to choose to hear it. If they say no, it is very unlikely that they would have listened to your advice if you would have offered it without your solicitation.

I’ll tell you, as a parent, I often forget to follow this advice myself, though I try to follow it as much as I can. I recently had an experience that reminded me just how powerful these guidelines are. One of my children (who can be a little bossy at times, which is something we were working on at the time) began to tell me that she was upset during lunch because her friend went to play with someone else. I almost started to remind her how we’re working on not being bossy and that she can not control who her friends play with so she should just not let it bother her or go play with someone else. But luckily, I was having a good parenting moment, so instead I stopped myself and asked her how it made her feel. She started to tell me about feeling sad and then went on to tell me that she had actually eaten completely by herself. My heart sank! If I had went right into lecture mode, my poor girl would have never shared this sad experience with me! Instead, she would have felt judged and more alone and would have likely become mad and defensive with me about how it wasn’t her fault. Instead, when I asked her how she felt eating alone, she started to cry. I listened and validated. After a few minutes, she dried her tears. She told me that if that happens again, shell probably just go eat with some other friends. And then she told me what made it all worth it, that she is so lucky I was her mom and she thanked me for listening to her. We ended up spending the rest of the afternoon together with her being so sweet and feeling so loved. It was a profound reminder to me of how powerful it is when we listen to our kids. And it was scary to think I almost blew it and she would have never shared with me that she ate alone. She would have instead taken her sadness out on me in anger for not listening, and would have shut down and felt alone. Thank goodness I did it right that time! Who knows how many other opportunities I may have missed along the way!

What it all comes down to is that our kids need to feel like we are on their TEAM. And they will feel this when we communicate to them that their experience matters to us. That how they experience us, and all the other parts of their lives, is important. This lets them know that they are important. And this creates a sense of teamwork that, even though it will be tested, especially in the teen years, will help our kids feel loved and supported and will increase the likelihood that they will talk to us more!

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA.

She can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

For more articles like this, subscribe to her website at meetme4therapy.com.