THERAPIST THURSDAY: The Fear of School Shootings

There were events at three schools in our town that caused concern that there could be a school shooting. Fortunately, all of the situations turned out not to be legitimate threats. None the less, many parents in town were fearful and large amounts pulled their children out of school due to this fear. In fact, at one middle school, over two-thirds of the students went home! This situation made me, along with many other parents, I’m sure, think about how to cope with the very real dangers that face our schools today. In doing so, I’ve realized just how much there is to consider.

Of course, our number one consideration for parents and school personnel must be SAFETY. As parents left what they were doing that day and rushed to pull their children out of school, I’m sure this was the priority; making sure our babies are not in danger! The schools and districts and law enforcement around our nation seem to all be working on figuring out just how to make our kids as safe as possible. I know in my kids’ schools, they all have active shooter drills now. School sites and school districts are developing protocols to deal with this, and law enforcement are receiving special training for these situations.

As a society, there is obviously much to consider and some of the topics are hotly debated. As parents, sending our kids to school with even a fleeting thought that it could be the last time we see them is still just beyond my comprehension. When the panic of last week happened, I understood it completely! I think many parents had images of what they’ve seen in the news go through their minds and they decided spur of the moment that they would rather be wrong about the danger than risk being right about it and doing nothing.

For me, I know those images of chaos seen on the news as a school endured tragedy certainly went through my mind and even brought tears to my eyes and a sense of urgency of panic within my body. I suspect these same images are what sprung so many parents into action and led to so many children being pulled out of school by their parents! The thought of such a tragedy is just so overwhelming, I think many decided to just act immediately.

After physical safety, I think the next thing that must be considered is helping our children to FEEL SAFE. The dilemma, of course, is how do we accomplish this when us parents know actual and complete safety in schools is no longer realistic? We all have those thoughts that go through our minds when we drop our kids at school that bring up all of the “what if” scenarios. What if it happened TODAY? What if it happened HERE? How can we possibly help our children feel safe when we don’t REALLY know that they are? And yet this sense of safety is so critical for our children to be able to relax and learn. Trust me, as a parent to three kids, I struggle with these questions as well! Here are some things that can be helpful to consider when trying to create a feeling of security for our children:

1. Reality test our thoughts. The truth is, danger is all around us and at any moment any of us can have something fatal happen to us or to a loved one. For example, we all know that a person can lose their life in a car accident at any moment. And yet, we all get into cars every day, with very little thought that it could be the end for us. How do we do this? We do it by not thinking about it. We realize, either consciously or subconsciously, that the likelihood that we will die today in a car accident are slim. So, we push the idea out of our minds and continue to live our lives. We consider the odds. Even though there are fatalities on the streets and freeways we travel on daily, we realize that most cars don’t crash, that most people make it where they are going safely. If we did the same with school shootings, it would be very beneficial to our anxiety and fear. If we remember that of all the schools throughout our nation, the chance that our child’s school will be the targeted one is very slim. When you consider all of the schools in our country, a very small percentage of them have an attack happen on them. Of course, to the people experience these tragedies, rather it be a fatal car collision or a school shooting, the odds are irrelevant, their loved one is still deceased. So, this is in NO WAY to minimize what a tragedy these situations are! It is just to help us all have a little peace of mind and to realize that we can drive ourselves crazy if we are constantly worried about the “what ifs”. We can not live in fear of the dangers in life. So, when a parent feels worried about a school shooting, reminding oneself that the odds are against something actually happening can be very helpful. As a parent, I have to remind myself of this often!

2. Try not to panic. Wow! This certainly was a hard one last week! I had tears in my eyes as I was receiving texts from other mamas providing bits of information about what was occurring. Part of me wanted to get in my car and speed down to the school as quickly as possible. But then I made myself sit and take a few deep breaths. I tried to keep in mind that much of what I was hearing was rumors from students and that the likelihood that the information was correct was very low. I also learned pretty quickly that school administration was aware of the situation and that law enforcement was on site. This helped me to realize that it was very unlikely that something bad would actually occur. Then as I gathered more information that it was a middle schooler who wrote a copy cat message on a bathroom wall in pen, I was put more at ease. But let me tell you, my initial response was panic and my initial impulse was to rush to that school! It is SO HARD not to panic when your kid is involved!

3. Remember that our kids look to us for cues on where danger lies and how dangerous situations really are. We are their compass. If we give them the sense that they are likely to be shot up in school, they are going to have a lot of anxiety. If we are anxious or overly worried, they will be anxious and overly worried. It was really this thought that made me sit down and take those deep breaths. I was concerned that if I rushed in to take my kids from school, I would be sending them the message that school was dangerous and that I didn’t trust in the school personnel and law enforcement to handle it and keep them safe.

4. If you struggle with constant worry about these issues, limit the influx of information on the dangers of the world. Avoid the six o’clock news. Remember that their motto is, “if it bleeds, it leads.” They are out for ratings and the top stories are always the most tragic. Watching this constantly can make it seem like you will be shot, murdered, or raped the second you leave your home. And remember that if it creates a sense of anxiety for you, it probably is creating it even more for your child. If your kid struggles with anxiety or worry, I would suggest limiting this type of news completely until they are older or able to have a little more perspective on what the risks really are.

None of these ideas are to take anything away from the real fear we all feel as a result of the tragic changes in our society that have made schools a potentially dangerous place. And none of this is to judge any parent’s decisions one way or the other. The truth is, we are all in this together and we are all doing the best we can. The school, parents, law enforcement; all of us are struggling with how to handle these issues. It is complex and there is no one right answer. All I know is that we can not let these changes consume our lives and increase our fear and anxiety. We must learn ways to cope and manage our fears. We must not give the people who commit these terrible acts power over our lives. We must help our kids feel safe. We must help them BE safe. And we must stick together to find solutions together. The ideas listed above are not new. They are a few of the techniques that are used to deal with fear and anxiety due to any situation. Keeping things in perspective is key. And remembering to support our fellow parents, our students, and those school and law enforcement personnel who are grappling with this new phenomenon and how to best manage it.

Rochelle Whitson is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.