THERAPIST THURSDAY: Kobe’s Death- A Therapist's Perspective

They say it will be one of those things that we remember where we were when we heard the news, and I believe it! When we heard the terrible news that Kobe Bryant, basketball legend, died in a helicopter crash, it felt unbelievable. And then for many of us, there was the time waiting to hear who else was on board, hoping and praying his family wasn’t with him. Only to learn that one of his daughters also perished, along with several other families, including two more children. What horrific news! Many of us imagined what those last moments must have been like for them if they knew their lives were about to end. We can only hope they didn’t know.

There are so many aspects to this situation that bring up different issues and each elicits their own emotions. We have the death of a true legend, and a young legend at that. We have the fact that most of us have watched Kobe grow up in front of us and feel a personal connection to him; having watched him grow from a young athlete to a family man. Add in the ability to relate to him as a parent and the tragedy of these lives being taken too soon. And how it happened, dying while flying is so many people’s greatest fear. And then the fact that he played for the same team for so many years, demonstrating loyalty and deepening that sense of connection to him. For myself as a wife and mother, and as a sports parent traveling to games on the weekends, I can relate to their circumstances so much and find myself thinking about it often, usually with a tear in my eye or sometimes more. I can not even imagine what his wife and children are going through. It is heart wrenching! There are so many reasons why people connect to this tragedy, so many reasons why it touches us at our core. So, the question becomes, how do we process all of this? How do we grieve?

One of the most important things to remember is that grieving is a natural process and is necessary whenever a person experiences a loss. Though we may not have known Kobe personally, we feel connected to him. We’ve felt his successes and his losses, and he’s grown and changed as we’ve looked on. So the loss is very real for so many of his fans. And that loss requires grief. Sometimes our reaction to grief is to want to shut it down. After all, who wants to feel sad? Sometimes we think that the “healthy” thing to do is to make ourselves smile or to think about something else. But the way to really manage grief effectively is to ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL IT. Talk about it with others. Write about it. Let yourself cry. If your brain is wondering what his last moments may have been and you find yourself thinking about that constantly, let yourself talk about it. Maybe journal about it. If you are connecting with what his family must be going through and can’t imagine what his wife must be feeling and that is breaking your heart, let the tears flow and allow yourself to think about it. Maybe you can relate all to well because perhaps it brings up your own loss of a spouse or a child. If this is the case, acknowledge and process that too. If you find yourself feeling anxious because you’ve always had a fear of flying and thinking about that helicopter going down makes your stomach drop, acknowledge the feeling. Don’t try to hide from it or pretend it’s not there. When you do these things, there may be tears. There probably will be. You may find yourself feeling everything from sadness to fear to anger. It’s all OK. Acknowledge all of the feelings you may have. They are all normal and they are all OK. And they will only lessen in intensity through time IF you do what you need to do to process them, which means you need to feel them.

Some people find it helpful to gather with others who are also feeling the loss. There is camaraderie and healing in being with those who are feeling the same feelings we are. Many communities are holding various memorials and honoring Kobe and the others who perished in different ways. If you find yourself feeling lots of emotions, consider attending such an event.

Some people may tell you not to think about it. They may say that talking about it only makes it worse. They may tell you that it’s a time to be “brave.” But if you hear nothing else in this article, please hear this, it is NOT brave to shove down or ignore your feelings, BRAVERY IS IN FEELING YOUR EMOTIONS. It’s in being strong enough to acknowledge them, to process them, and to allow yourself to break down if you need to.

If I could say one thing to the families who have experienced this loss, it would be for them to give themselves the time and invest the energy in feeling the emotions of their loss. Do not hide from the emotions, no matter how intense they may be. And do not give yourself a timeline for the grief. Allow it to be what it is going to be. The sadness and loss will always be there, but eventually the intensity will lessen, IF you allow yourself to feel it when you need to and how you need to.

As for the rest of us, the community who is grieving along with the family, I say this… give yourself what you need to give yourself. There is no shame in tears. There is no shame in feeling fear or anger or sadness. In time the pain will lessen, in time we can increasingly celebrate the person Kobe was. In time we will all find ways to honor him. And in these ways, his memory will always live on! Let this event bring us closer. Let it help us remember the commonalities of our humanity and the very essence of what it means to be human. Let it remind us all to love a little deeper and to remember to tell those we love how we feel about them. I think if we do these things, we will be honoring Kobe and his memory. And while I do not know him, from what I know of him, I think he would be honored that his tragic passing has touched us and possibly changed us all in this way!

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.