THERAPIST THURSDAY: Maintaining Relationships During Coronavirus

At first it may have felt like a nice slow down, a chance to spend much needed time with family. But after a month, the tide may have turned and it’s likely that people are beginning to irritate each other. So… with the prospect of much more quarantine time in the future, how can we maintain a positive attitude and continue to have healthy relationships with those we are stuck inside with every day? Here are some tips:

Decide Daily What Attitude You Will Bring to The Day

There’s an awful lot we don’t have control over these days. But one thing we completely control is the attitude we bring to each and every day. And this makes all the difference in our relationships! I encourage everyone, at the start of each day, to do what you need to do to start your day off right. For some that may mean meditating, for others, exercise, for another, a cup of coffee or a daily devotion may do the trick.

Have A Plan for Your Day

While letting the day just happen can be very relaxing and nice to do from time to time, doing so every day is likely to lead to a lot of people in the house that are feeling unproductive, bored, and easily irritated. So, it’s generally a good idea to some sort of a plan for the day, or at least an idea of what you want your day to look like.

One of the things I have been doing before getting out of bed each morning is asking myself what I want today to look like. I think of a few things we can look forward to as a family (it may be something as simple as a nice meal or a favorite TV show), some ways we can be productive, and how we will get activity that day. I’ve also been asking the family each night at dinner what they want to have happen the following day. We discuss options for our down time and come up with some things we would like to do individually and as a family. We often also use this time to discuss how we can be productive and what we can do to contribute to the cleanliness of the house. And once household chores are divided by the entire family into a little each day, it really is a very manageable task. This works well because everyone starts the day with the same expectations and each person has certain tasks that occupy their time and stimulate their minds and bodies. This reduces the sense of not having enough going on that can lead to people getting on each other’s nerves and increasing general irritability.

Have Good Self-Care

This item will be on pretty much any list of maintaining good mental and emotional health, rather that be within relationships or within a person. When we are feeing stressed, we are likely to take it out on others. When we are feeling low, we are likely to withdraw and not meet the needs of those we love. Good self care really helps to keep some of these feelings at bay. This includes eating well and regularly, making healthy food choices and not over eating or under eating, getting enough sleep but not too much, getting some kind of physical activity each day, and doing things to feel the soul. This last item means different things for different people. Whatever it is for you, make sure you do things that increase your sense of peace, connects you with your faith if you are a spiritual person, and gives you a general sense of well-being.

Have Together Time AND Apart Time

To maintain healthy relationships during any time of life, both together and apart time are necessary. It is especially important to be cognizant of this during this time of quarantine. If we are constantly together, we will get on each other’s nerves. If we are constantly apart, the isolation is likely to lead to depression. So be sure to maintain a balance. If you have kids in the home, be sure they are getting both. Don’t have them together all of the time, because sibling conflict will quickly become a problem (as I’m sure I don’t have to tell you). But also, make sure there is time together. It’s usually helpful if the together time is structured in some way. Some examples include having a game night, watching a movie, reading a book together where everyone takes turns reading, gardening, cooking or baking, binge watching a show together, or playing outside games like corn hole or tag or ladder ball.

Have a Schedule

This may be the most important item on this list, as I really think it’s a game changer. Too much unstructured time makes the days crawl by and greatly increases everyone’s level of annoyance. Some sort of routine or flow to the day really does make all of the difference. I suggest sitting down the whole family and brainstorming the types of items everyone would like on a schedule. And then creating blocks of time for each thing. The schedule doesn’t have to be specific; it can include blocks like “family time”, “productivity time”, “chores”, “individual chill time”, etc. Then at dinner, each person can discuss with the family what their productivity time and individual chill time will look like the next day. Not only will this reduce conflict within the home, it will also serve to reduce issues like anxiety and depression, as it will create some predictability and structure in everyone’s lives, which are both very important for overall emotional wellbeing.

Talk About Conflicts/ Issues

Expect that issues will arise! No matter how well you do all of the suggestions above, there will be conflict, there will be irritation; there’s just no way around it! And that’s OK. Part of being a family, part of being close, part of loving others is… conflict. When it arises, sit down and have a conversation about it. Do not let it build up. Rather it’s sibling conflict, marital tension, or issues between a parent and child, TALK about it! Listen to each other, try to understand the other’s point of view, and come up with a mutual plan for how to resolve the issue.

This is a tough time for all of us. Relationships are under stress. But with a little planning, a lot of patience, and some great self-care, we will all get through it… together!

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She is providing telehealth therapy sessions during this challenging time.

Ms. Whitson can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com