THERAPIST THURSDAY: My Kid is Graduating and I’m a Mess!

...like high school or college graduation, these milestones can be emotional for us parents!

I remember when my first child was born, it was that day that I finally understood how one day could be your best ever… and your worst ever! What I didn’t begin to realize until a few weeks later is that parenthood is actually full of these contrasts; that events can truly be happy AND sad at the same time. In fact, when it comes to parenting, I find that most events for my kids are just that: happy moments laced with at least a little bit of sadness! Why is this? It is because each milestone in our children’s lives is an exciting accomplishment, but each one is also another step away from us, another moment where they get closer to their destination of eventually not being our little babies anymore. I don’t remember when it was exactly, but at some point it hit me that, beginning literally with their birth, each big moment my children have was another separation from me. And while part of the tremendous joy of being a parent is watching your child grow and thrive and become more of who they are meant to be, another part is about letting go, letting them spread their wings, letting them need you less, and not only allowing it, but encouraging it. Because we all know that if we do our jobs well, we are preparing our children to not need us anymore, at least not in the way they used to. And perhaps this is the hardest part! So, if you have a child graduating, especially if it’s from high school or college, you may find yourselves struggling with a whole range of emotion that may make you question your own sanity. Well, I am hear to tell you, not only are you not insane, these emotions are actually very normal and how you handle them will make a big difference in how they impact you. Here are some things to consider:

It’s OK to feel sad!

This milestone is a time of celebration, but if you are a parent, it is also a time of loss. You are losing a piece of your baby. They are moving on to a new chapter in their lives, and this represents a step away from you as the center of their world. And it’s OK to feel this. Any loss (even the ones that happen for good and healthy reasons) require a grieving process. So, let yourself feel it. Reach out to your support systems, your spouse, your friends, other parents going through the same things. Let out those tears when they come. Of course, don’t make your kid feel emotionally responsible for your sadness; don’t ask them to comfort you. If they see you crying, tell them it’s OK, that it’s a normal part of this process of them growing up, and that you are happy they are doing so, it just makes your heart a little sad at the same time. It is so important for people to allow themselves to grieve, because when we don’t, those emotions remain unresolved and are very likely to cause us trouble down the road.

Feeling sad does NOT mean we are not happy too!

This may be a confusing concept. How can a person have conflicting emotions about the same occurrence? But as I pointed out above, I think that really is the definition of parenthood. We can and will feel sad about certain things that are “happy” things, and that is OK.

Remember, that while each milestone is an ending, it is also a beginning.

One of the things that helps me tremendously about the idea of my kiddos leaving the nest soon is that my relationship with them will not be ending, it will just be changing. Our kids may stop needing us for the daily things, but they will always need us and we will always be important to them. The relationship will evolve into something else, but it will still be something meaningful and special. Keep in mind that old adage that “when one door closes, another one opens.” Not having to parent daily allows for a more adult relationship with your kiddo. One that can truly appreciate the grown human they have become. It means less arguments about things like chores and grades and more time to just hear about their day and celebrate their little accomplishments and happy moments along the way.

So, while these endings are hard and bitter-sweet, the beginnings that follow are exciting. They are new opportunities. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, ALL of your emotions, and allow it to evolve into what it will be next. You may find yourself enjoying that next stage just as much as the last!

Good luck mamas and papas as your babies proudly sport their caps and gowns. You got this!

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist working in private practice in Temecula, CA.

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Ms. Whitson can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.