THERAPIST THURSDAY: Self-Care; The Key to Life Satisfaction

Self-care is one of those buzz phrases you may hear about. We hear how important it is and how we all need to do it. But I wonder, how many of us know exactly what self-care looks like? And if we do, do we know how to accomplish it in our own busy lives?

As a mother of three busy children, I must admit that sometimes my own self-care goes out the window. At times I’m too busy, too stressed, too tired, and have way too much on my plate! We’ve all been there! Our days are long, the activities and responsibilities are many, and sometimes there is not enough time in the day for it all. And then we hear the concept of self-care and we can feel like that’s just something else we’re failing at, another way we are falling short. So, understand as I discuss this concept that self-care is something that flies out the window for us all; give yourself a break there. DO NOT use this information to criticize yourself or feel like you are failing. Instead, use it as information that can help make your life fuller and can rejuvenate yourself. And when you have weeks that there’s no way it’s going to happen, remember that that’s OK and that you’ll get back to it when you have a chance.

This is the first concept I want to discuss when it comes to self-care. Our own self talk. If we use information to beat ourselves up or tell ourselves we aren’t enough, we need to recognize that and decide to reject those thoughts. Speaking to oneself (rather in one’s head or aloud) in a gentle and supportive manner is the first step in self-care. Reject those thoughts that are critical or demeaning, the ones that say we are not enough. Replace them with gentle thoughts of support and try to remember we are all just doing the best we can, and that our best IS good enough!

What does self-care look like? It really is just as simple as remembering to put yourself on the list. Remembering that you are as important as everything else and everyone else in your life. Doing things that take care of yourself physically like eating enough and regularly, trying to give your body the nutrition it needs and deserves, getting enough sleep, spending time with people who give back to you, practicing things that reduce stress (rather that be exercise, meditation, massages, reading, therapy, etc.), setting good boundaries so others don’t take advantage of you or you don’t get over-booked (though sometimes being over-booked is unavoidable), and giving yourself some down time and time to relax and refuel. And, probably one of the most important items, described above, having encouraging and positive self-talk. If you think of how you would treat a friend or your child, you probably will have a good idea of what self-care looks like!

What does self-care give us? So many things! For one, it helps us rejuvenate. If you are a parent or have a demanding job, chances are you spend a lot of your time giving of yourself. Most of the things you do are for other people or for the purpose of accomplishing something. If you were to think of yourself as a bank account, these activities would be withdrawals from that account. If you don’t make deposits every once in a while, your account will become overdrawn. Think of self-care as deposits into your account. If regular deposits are not made, you eventually will have nothing left to give. And when you do give, you are much more likely to be resentful about that giving.

Self-care is treating ourselves with value. It is stating to ourselves and everyone else that we matter too! It is demonstrating your own importance and value. Reminding yourself that you are important. When you do so, you are much less likely to put up with poor treatment from others. Because at your core you believe that you DESERVE to be treated well. Doing this also teaches others how to treat us. When they see us treat ourselves well, they know they must also treat us well. People who practice regular self-care are much less likely to be in bad relationships or relationships that are unfulfilling and are more likely to terminate such relationships sooner.

Self-care is extremely important in modeling self value and respect to our children! We often think that the way to teach children to value themselves is to dote all over them, telling them they are important constantly and praising every little thing they do. And while it is obviously important to treat children with value and respect, it is even more powerful to model self value and respect. When our children see us do this, even if that self-care means we are setting a boundary with them, they learn to treat themselves with value. Because as we all know, modeling is one of the most powerful ways that children learn. They watch what they see us do and they emulate it. So, a child whose parent is constantly running themselves into the ground to please everyone else is actually more likely to end up tolerating their own bad relationships in the future.

Self-care allows us to set appropriate boundaries in relationships. It helps us to say NO when we need to. It lets people know, while we are there for them and love them, we will not allow them to mistreat us or take advantage of us. This also increases the likelihood that the person will become more responsible. Because if we are doing everything for everyone, they will not learn to do those things for themselves. This also applies to work. If you do everything at work, people will come to expect that from you. In time, you are likely to grow resentful and dissatisfied at work and feel that the company or employer is taking advantage of you. Setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries avoids all of these pitfalls and ultimately increases the satisfaction of everyone involved in the relationship.

These are just a few examples of what self-care looks like and what it accomplishes. I encourage everyone to regularly evaluate their own self-care. Life gets busy and things get complicated. If we take time to reflect every so often, we can notice when life gets out of balance and we are not taking care of ourselves appropriately. When this is the case, we can then evaluate what is not working and develop a plan to get us back on track. After all, we only get one chance at this thing called life, so we better make the most of it!

Rochelle Whitson is a psychotherapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She can be reached at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

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