THERAPIST THURSDAY: Is Sibling Rivalry Driving YOU Crazy?

As a mother, I can attest that sometimes nothing can drive you quite as crazy as your kids fighting with each other! So, why does this happen and what can you do about it?

Believe it or not, sibling rivalry does serve a purpose. Developmentally, it can be very helpful to a child. It can teach them valuable life skills. It teaches conflict resolution, compromise, and problem solving.

Of course, when sibling rivalry is out of control, it can also lead to resentment, feelings of victimization, a sense that there is unfair treatment in the home, a home with a lot of conflict, or a dysfunctional family system. As parents, it is our job to reduce these potentially harmful affects and create an environment that allows for the learning that can come from sibling interactions.

The key to doing this is to make the children care about getting along or resolving their conflicts more than we do. To do this, we must find ways to make the solution their problem and not ours. We must provide motivation for them to solve their own problems. This can be done in several different ways:

1. Have the children pay you back for their negative interactions. There is a parenting program called Love and Logic that provides many of these tools, including this one that they call the Energy Drain Technique. When doing this, parents tell the fighting children that they will be required to re-pay the parents for “draining their energy” by fighting. This message is given with empathy, followed by the consequence. They may say, “how sad, kids who fight drain my energy and have to replenish it by doing the chores I was planning to do while I rest.” The parent may then have the children clean the kitchen while the parent rests on the couch. What does this technique accomplish? When it is applied consistently, the children will expect that their negative behavior leads to work that they don’t want to do. It provides motivation to them to keep their behavior in check and solve their own problems with their siblings because they don’t like what follows when they don’t. It also serves the purpose of helping the child develop an understanding of how their behavior impacts others, as the parent is sure to point out that their behavior has caused them to need a break. This is likely to increase awareness of other’s experiences over time. It also models parents caring for themselves, which increases the likelihood that children will grow up to do the same for themselves. And, maybe most important, it reduces the parent’s frustration over the children’s behavior which reduces anger and yelling and negative feelings in the home.

2. Stay out of it unless it threatens life or limb. Send the kids to another room to avoid it being the parents’ problem (due to having to listen to it). Do this with empathy as well. “Sounds like you guys are having difficulty getting along. That’s very sad for you. You are welcome to come back once you are treating each other with kindness.” For a kid who will not cooperate and leave when told, other consequences would follow, but these would be administered later. In the meantime, the parent can excuse themselves to another room, saying something like, “since you are continuing to stay after I told you to excuse yourselves, I am going to leave. I will tell you your consequences for this when things are calm. In the meantime, try not to worry about it too much.”

3. This leads to the next intervention: Delaying the Consequence. When things are escalated, do not continue to add on more consequences. Doing so can lead to a child being grounded for the next four years! It is not likely to be something the parent follows through with and it makes the parent’s words begin to be meaningless to the kids. Also, delaying the consequence can cause the child to ponder what will come next, which causes them to reflect on their own behavior once they are calm. This reinforces the concept that the parents are ultimately in charge. Parents avoid being involved in a power struggle with the kids and also stay in charge of their own emotions instead of the anger escalating as things continue to deteriorate.

4. Have the kids pay for parental intervention. This is something I used quite a bit with my kids, especially when they were younger, but even now as they are older. Say something like, “if you would like me to mediate this issue for you, I can do that, but it will cost you (fill in the blank with the amount).” For younger kids, it could be as little as a quarter each. For older kids, it may cost a dollar or two. It needs to be enough to give them pause, but also allows for some help if they really need it. It causes them to consider if it is really worth it to them to get your intervention, or if it is something that they can either solve on their own or let go of.

If you involve yourself in every conflict between your kids, you will end up spending a large majority of your time refereeing their arguments. This is very time consuming and frustrating. Getting involved in their conflict a lot will also likely increase their conflict and create a dynamic between the kids where they compete to try to get mom or dad on their side instead of their sibling's side. It can become a competition between the siblings to be the one to “win” the parent siding with them.

All of these interventions are designed to help the parent stay in charge and maintain a healthy family dynamic. Following these consistently is likely to change the sibling relationship dramatically. These concepts are part of the parenting program, Love and Logic, which I highly recommend. Of course, if family dynamics seem out of control, and reading or learning new concepts does not seem to be enough, then professional intervention in the form of family therapy may be necessary. Putting these techniques into action can help sibling rivalry stop being your problem and stop driving you crazy!

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. For more articles like this, subscribe to her blog at www.meetme4therapy.com.