THERAPIST THURSDAY: Stop the Daily Homework Struggle!

As another school year revs up, homes all around the country experience the same frustrations. The calls come in to my practice about conflict at home over homework and parents feeling overwhelmed and hopeless when it comes to helping their child be successful in school. When trying to help your child focus on homework and get it done in a timely manner, consider the following suggestions:

Have a quiet place to do homework where there is supervision. If your child is not capable of keeping themselves on task without accountability, set up a place for them to do their homework where you or another adult can monitor what they are doing. In my household, children were required to do homework at the kitchen table until at least fourth grade. Most kids younger than this have difficulty regulating their own interactions without some sort of monitoring. This accountability helps them stay on task.

Allow some fidgeting. If your child has difficulty sitting still, consider getting them something they are able manipulate with their free hand while they do homework. This is actually what they recently popular fidget spinner was originally designed to do. Other items that can be helpful are a stress ball, squishes, playdough, or some homemade slime (if it is firm enough). For a fidgety body, being required to stay completely still is nearly impossible, and having something they can manipulate with their hand helps them be able to focus and stay on task better.

Avoid being the one reminding them constantly to focus or “policing” their every move. This is an easy trap to get into, especially if your kid is picking at their eraser, staring at the dog, or doing somersaults in their chair! It can be maddening! As a mother of three, trust me, I’ve been there! Once you start focusing on those behaviors and trying to get them to stop, your frustration level will go up. This is because focusing on what we can not control raises anxiety and can increase anger and frustration. When this happens, the child’s ability to learn deteriorates and their focus decreases even more. Of course, this fuels the parent’s frustration even more, and the cycle often deteriorates into yelling and tears. Instead, try to create a situation that encourages the child to “police” themselves. Get a timer and ask the child how long they think it will take them to complete that math page or write that paragraph. Have them set the timer for that amount of time. And then let them be. See what they have accomplished when the timer goes off and ask them how they are feeling about how they did. I personally like the little egg timers with the dial and the ticking sound, as it gives the child a visual to focus on and the sound is a nice reminder that can redirect them if they start to get off task.

If your child is being rude to you due to his own frustration with homework, rather than yelling back or showing anger, calmly tell him that you will be happy to help when he is sweet, and that he is welcome to sit their quietly until he is ready to be sweet and ask for your help. If he asks for help, but still has attitude or frustration, say calmly with some empathy, “awe man, you’re not completely sweet yet, but I’ll be happy to help as soon as you are.” Be sure to walk away if you feel your blood pressure rising, as it’s important not to engage in an emotional exchange with the child, as this will only further escalate things.

Experiment with what your child needs in terms of structure and timing. Most kids need a little break when they get done with school, especially a kid that has used up a lot of energy trying to remain focused in class. Allowing her to have a snack and talk about her day, or just veg out to a half hour show, may be beneficial. Of course, if this creates difficulty transitioning back to schoolwork, it may be best to skip the show. Lots of kids benefit from little breaks between subjects, after finishing a certain amount of work, or after a certain amount of time. Doing something physical to burn off a little energy during these breaks can be helpful. Doing a few jumping jacks, running in place, or spending five minutes on the trampoline are all things that may be effective. If you allow her to go outside for the trampoline, have her set a timer for a short amount of time and come back in as soon as the timer goes off. It may take a little experimenting to find the perfect balance for your child, but if you are being mindful of what happens with different options, you will find a structure that works best for your child.

Avoid video games during the week. If your kid knows they can play video games once homework is done, you are likely to get a kid that rushes through the homework or has difficulty focusing on it because his mind is already thinking about the game he will play. Video games activate the fight or flight response and usually increase distractibility and difficulty with focus on less stimulating activities (such as homework or classwork). If your child knows he can earn game playing time on the weekends by being cooperative in completing his homework during the week, he will be more motivated to take care of his responsibilities during the week and you will have less power struggles.

If you find that the conflict continues, even after implementing these strategies, or if you find the strategies impossible to implement on your own, I urge you to seek help with this issue. The longer conflict exists with homework, the more likely your child is to lose his love for learning and the more likely he is to begin to hate school. Also, the longer it continues, the more she will come to believe she is not smart and the more she will think she is not capable of being successful in school. I understand how frustrating these issues can be and how hopeless it can feel when the same interaction occurs day in and day out. Please know that it can be turned around, it is not a cycle you or your child has to be stuck in. It is my hope that some of these tips will help to begin to turn around the negative cycles and create more time and energy for you and your child to enjoy each other. And that your child will not lose his love of learning.

If you have a topic you would like addressed in our weekly Therapist Thursday column, feel free to email Rochelle at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She is also author of the blog www.meetme4therapy.com.