THERAPIST THURSDAY: What Do You Expect From Yourself?

What do you expect from yourself daily? As a mother? A wife? A woman? Do you expect for your home to be perfect? Do you feel bad if there are dishes in the sink or the laundry has piled up? Do you expect a perfect body? Do you feel inferior when you see a very fit woman? This time of year, you may feel bad if the holiday decorations aren’t up yet or soon, that the presents aren’t wrapped and under the tree or you haven’t made any beautiful and delicious homemade cookies. Do you get on Pinterest or Facebook and then look around your life and feel like somehow you are failing? Well, let me tell you, you are not alone! As woman, we are constantly inundated with messages about what makes us desirable, lovable, worthy. We see images of the perfect body, the perfect home, the perfect wife and mother. Without even realizing it, we come to adopt these ideas as truths. I cannot even tell you the number of women I have seen in couple’s therapy that find it impossible to believe that their husbands could even find them desirable due to their less-than-perfect body. They reject that notion no matter how much their husbands assure them of their attraction.

But I’m here to tell you that these ideas are nonsense. The standards to which many of us hold ourselves as a result of these messages is ludicrous. Because the standard is perfection. But we are human. We, by definition, are not perfect. That is what makes us lovable. That is what makes us unique. Until we can consciously identify where and when we have these standards, we are powerless to change them. But when we can stop and identify our self talk to recognize these standards of perfection, we become very powerful to change them.

So please take a moment to recognize what your body is telling you. When you have a little twinge of feeling inferior. Notice when all of a sudden as you are running errands, or at your kids’ school, or driving, or anywhere else, and you start to have a sinking in your chest or a sadness in your gut or however your body experiences this sensation. Take a moment to ask yourself what just happened. Slow down the process. Notice what your body is telling you. Ask yourself what your thought was right then. It will probably be something like, “This house is a disaster, I have failed.” Or “she looks so good, why can’t I look like that?” Or “she seems so calm with her kids and like she has it all together” as you remember your own chaotic morning.

And then challenge those thoughts! They are not realistic. We are seeing a glimpse of another woman. I little window into her life and her experiences. And we are comparing them to the cold hard truth of life with children that we know to be our own. When we challenge those thoughts and choose to stop just accepting the propaganda we have been sold all these years about what gives women value, then we can empower ourselves to change our thoughts. We can learn to love our imperfections. We can learn to accept them as part of what makes us special and unique. We can learn to reject this standard of perfection. And we must learn to rejection this standard of perfection. For ourselves. And for our daughters!

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA.

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