THERAPIST THURSDAY: What to Give YOURSELF This Mother’s Day!

A mom I know recently told me how she often cries about interactions she’s had with her kids. She feels she yells too much and that there is too much conflict between her and her children. I think we’ve all been there! I certainly know I have! As a mom, I’ve had those moments where I lose it. Where I do or say the wrong thing. Usually I even know that I’m handling it the wrong way as I’m doing it. But that doesn’t stop me. I keep going. I vent my anger and frustration. And then I regret it later. And I can’t tell you how many moms come into my office with the same story. Often ridden with guilt over their actions, feeling like they are failing their kids, like they are ruining them. Well, I am here to tell you a few things about that…

The first and most important item is that it is so important to show yourself GRACE! We are humans. And as such, we are fallible. When we become a mother, we bring with it all of our strengths and all of our weaknesses. Our personalities, our tendencies, our own upbringings all get thrown into the mix and impact how we parent. On top of that, the personality and natural tendencies of our children impact this dynamic as well. So we may be so proud of our parenting of one child but then feel like we are failing with another child. But if there’s one thing you remember from everything you read here today, please let it be that it is OK! Show yourself grace. We are all human. We all do well some days and not so well other days. And parenting absolutely does not require perfection. Our children will remember the general feel they had of their childhood much more than they will remember specific interactions. So, if you show your child love and support, if you are there for them and nurture them, if you meet their emotional needs most of the time, that is what they will remember.

If you mess up, just apologize. I think it’s important for children to understand that we are human too. It’s good for them to know we don’t have it all figured out. They will forgive your mistakes if you ask them to. They love you and they value you and they will appreciate you taking responsibility for the times you may have wronged them. It is also very good modeling for them to see you take responsibility and apologize when you make a mistake. And it will help them feel heard and valued. And at the end of the day, that is what matters to humans in all of our relationships, having a sense that someone gets us, cares, and values how we feel.

Give yourself credit for the good things. Why are we always so prone to point out our flaws and to focus on our mistakes? When we do this, we miss a million things we are doing well! So, I encourage all you mamas out there to take a few minutes every day and acknowledge to yourself the things you have done WELL today, in parenting and in other areas of your life.

Whenever I talk to a mom who is feeling guilt or remorse about their treatment of their child, I know that I am talking to a GOOD MOM. And I know that because the very fact that they are even contemplating their own behavior demonstrates that they have insight into how important their job is, how much they impact their children, and how badly they want to do it right. We all make mistakes; we all get off course. Those who get back on course are the ones that can recognize a mistake, can understand when they need to reset, and then can seek out the resources and develop a plan to do so.

In making that plan to change what isn’t working, it is very helpful to identify the cycles that cause the most problems. In a time of calm when you are not interacting with your child, reflect on the circumstances that cause the most trouble. Then develop a plan to do it differently. Find ways to make the problem the child’s problem. For example, if they are always running late for school and you find yourself yelling at them every morning that they are going to be late, change this routine up. Tell them what time your car will leave and that you hope they are in it, or they will have to wait to go to school and will have to serve whatever consequence the school gives out for an unexcused tardy. Or tell them that only responsible kids have cell phones and take their phone until they can figure out how to manage to get out the door on time. There are a million other options, but the key to them all is to stop stressing yourself over things that are their responsibility. A book called Parenting with Love and Logic can greatly help with these concepts. You will love the gift you have given yourself when you learn to parent in a way that makes kids’ problems stay their problems and not become yours. It’s a beautiful thing that leads to calmer parents who feel more in control as well as more responsible children!

Of course, if you find that your family interactions are constantly negative and the dynamic has become emotionally harmful to any members of the family, it is a good idea to seek out professional help from a family therapist.

So, the gifts mothers can give themselves this Mother’s Day…

1. Show yourself GRACE

2. Remember that children do not require perfect parents

3. Apologize for your mistakes and then move on from them

4. Acknowledge that you are a good mom

5. Read Parenting with Love and Logic to learn how to let go of things that are kids’ problems

I hope every mom out there takes some time this Mother’s Day to acknowledge a job well done. And I hope each mom out there gets spoiled by the people they serve every day. I encourage you all to sit back and let it happen, GUILT FREE! You deserve it!

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. For more articles like this, subscribe to her website at www.meetme4therapy.com.

Ms. Whitson can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.