THERAPIST THURSDAY: What’s the Harm in Labeling Children?

Very often in my practice and in my personal life, I run across parents labeling their children. Saying things like the statements above.

What’s the harm in this? Let me give you a few examples.

I once had a client who was often told by her parents that she was a “naughty girl.” Anytime she did anything wrong, she was told this. Through time, her inappropriate behavior escalated to the point that she was brought to therapy. When I met with her and asked her why she was coming to therapy, she said she is a “bad kid.”

In another family, one kid was the “bad one” and another was the “smart one.” This was known and discussed by every member of the family. When the “bad kid” did something wrong, it was because he was the “bad one”. If the “smart kid” did something wrong, the parents acted surprised and asked the kid why he would do that, that he was not a kid who did bad things.

Other times I see less obvious labels, and somethings these labels are positive. He’s “our athletic kid” or this one is the “smart one” or the “social butterfly.” While occasional references to positive labels is usually harmless, if a kid gets blocked into a label it creates problems.

Also, it has long been observed in the field of psychology that if one child has already taken on a certain role within a family, younger children will often make no attempt at that role. So if your oldest child is very smart and does well in school, the next child, who may have a high IQ as well, will often not try in school, but will find something else to excel in, feeling that the “smart role” is already taken. When this happens in families, children do not explore their potential in various areas of their life.

So, why are our words and our labels so powerful in our children’s lives?

To consider this, we must think about children as they first enter the world. They have no view of themselves or of others or of this world they are entering. In fact, in the beginning stages of a baby’s life, they do not even understand that they are a separate being from their primary caretaker. In time, these concepts start to take form. They begin to understand they are a separate being and they begin to develop certain views of who they are. All of those first messages come from the people they have regular contact with. Their immediate family and their role within that family largely shapes how they begin to view themselves. These beliefs grow through their experiences and what they are told. Their self concept is developing during this time, and what they come to believe about themselves will last a lifetime. As anyone who is trying to change their view of themselves from childhood knows, this is very challenging work and one can spend a lot of time and effort trying to change their view of who they are from the messages they received in childhood. Before you say anything to your child about who they are, be sure to take a moment to consider the power of those words.

Another thing that greatly shapes a child’s self concept is how the parents interact with them. This obviously includes their words and labels, but it also includes the messages we give them about what we expect from them. So, if your “bad kid” once again does something they shouldn’t, if you say something like, “there you go again” or “you always do this” you are also implying a label, you are also powerfully shaping their view of who they are and locking them in to only one possible way of doing things, the way they “always” do it. These words make them believe there is no other choice in their behavior, that who they are is the sum of their behavior.

If any of this sounds familiar to you and you want to stop labeling your child and work on reversing any self-image issues this has created for him/ her, here are some things you can do:

1. Instead of using a label, talk about your child’s DECISIONS instead. For example, instead of “you are being bad” say, “that was a bad decision.” Instead of saying, “you are lazy” say, “when you don’t study, you won’t do as well.” Instead of saying, “why are you always so argumentative?” say, “when you choose to argue, you will have consequences, when you choose to be respectful, I will listen to your points.”
2. Catch your child being good. If you have found yourself often getting your child in trouble and most of your interactions with him have been negative, try to also catch them being good. This may be a challenge initially, especially if your child has begun to think of himself as a “bad kid.” You may have to look for little things. “I like your table manners.” “Thank you for brushing your teeth this morning when you were asked.” “I appreciate you bussing your dishes.” Try to make the amount of positive statements more than that of negative ones.
3. Let your child overhear you saying positive things about her. Talk with your spouse when you know she can hear what you’re saying. Say things on the phone when she’s within earshot. Whatever you can think of that will begin to change her negative view of herself. “Amanda can be so sweet at times.” “You would be so proud of how Samantha got ready on her own today.” “Lisa monitored her video game time without me having to remind her.” “I love hanging out with Jen.” Children are more likely to believe you when they overhear statements. And these kinds of statements will do a lot to begin to change her self-image.
4. Let all of your kids know that they can succeed at something. It’s great to talk about how athletic or how smart one of your kids are. Just be sure you don’t say it in a way that implies comparison to the other kids, like “he is the athletic one” which implies the other kids are not. Instead you could say “he is athletic” and then where your other kid is successful at something athletic, be sure to acknowledge that as well. I’ve found that often family members or friends will try to label my kids, “he’s the smart one” or “she’s the athletic one”. I usually just reply to affirm that they do have that talent, but I’m also sure to say it in a way that doesn’t exclude the other children, like, “yes, he is smart, so is so-and-so.”
5. Have a conversation with the kid you’ve labeled. Tell them that you realize you may have been given them negative messages about themselves and ask them if they feel like a “bad kid.” Clarify that they are not that label and that you are learning along with them and make mistakes along the way too, and that making them feel like a “bad kid” was not your intention. Be sure to let them know that you love them very much and that you value who they are as a person. And that we can all work on our DECISIONS, both kid and parent.

As you read this article, remember that we all make mistakes with our kids. I certainly make them daily with my own. Be sure not to label yourself if you find yourself doing some of the things I am cautioning against. Don’t tell yourself you are a “bad parent” or that you have “messed up your kids.” If there’s something you’ve learned from this that you can do different, simply work on it. Pay attention to your language and to the messages you send your kids, but don’t criticize yourself for your mistakes, or you are painting yourself into a box in the same way I’ve cautioned not to do with your children. Remember that, fortunately, children do not require perfect parents. All that is necessary is that we do the best we can and we make corrections or adjustments when we realize there’s something we could do differently. It is my hope that this information helps you navigate this challenging role of parenting a little more effectively.

If you have a topic you would like addressed on Therapist Thursday, please email Rochelle at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She is also author of the blog, www.meetme4therapy.com.