THERAPIST THURSDAY: Who Controls YOUR Happiness?

There are many things in life that can bring us happiness. That can be different things for different people. Finding what makes you happy and learning how to get it can be a journey. And that journey begins with one thing, developing what we call and INTERNAL LOCUS OF CONTROL.

There are two types of people in this world when it comes to happiness, those with an external locus of control and those with an internal locus of control. And one is definitely happier; the person with the internal locus of control. So, let’s start with discussing what that means. Wikipedia defines locus of control as “the degree to which people believe that they have control over the outcome of events in their lives, as opposed to external forces beyond their control.” In short, people with an external locus of control believe that things happen TO them, where as people with an internal locus of control believe that they make things happen.

Let’s take a look at how this translates in the real world. If one has an external locus of control, some issues are likely to be present. They are likely to see the negative things happening to them as things they had no influence on. They tend to not realize that their choices may have led up to the negative event. They tend to blame others for their circumstances and often feel as though they are being mistreated or used. Those with an external locus of control may feel that life has dealt them a bad hand and they may feel slighted. They often feel like a victim and have difficulty recognizing any power they may have to change things. They tend to blame others for their lives’ outcome, rather than themselves.

People with an external locus of control tend to end up in the same negative situation time and time again because they do not see what part they may have in creating that same situation from occurring. They tend to be more stressed and are prone to depression. If you try to help a person with an external locus of control, they may see suggestions about what they could do to improve their circumstances as criticism and a lack of caring or understanding. This happens because they are likely not making any connection between their circumstances and what they may have done to create or contribute to those circumstances, so you pointing out what they could do differently feels to them like you just don’t get how hard their circumstances really are.

If one has an internal locus of control, that person tends to encounter a problem in their life and ask themselves what they are going to do about it. They see negative things that happen in their lives as challenges, things they can learn and grow from. They tend to learn from their mistakes and not repeat them over and over again. Rather that be with work, their education, relationships, health, or any other issue, they believe that hard work is likely to lead to positive outcomes. They tend to take a problem-solving approach when life throws them an obstacle. Those with an internal locus of control are far more likely to have reached their goals in life.

It is challenging for a person with an internal locus of control and one with an external locus of control to be close. This is because these interactions often culminate in the following circumstances…

· The person with the external locus of control feels judged by the person with the internal locus of control.

· The person with the internal locus of control feels exhausted and frustrated by the person with the external locus of control. They wish the person would just “get it together.”

· The person with the internal locus of control ends up feeling like they either have to not say anything to the other person when that person is complaining, or provide them with suggestions for improvement. Both options leave at least one person feeling dissatisfied with the interaction.

· The person with the external locus of control feels misunderstood and unsupported by the person with the internal locus of control.

· The person with the internal locus of control may see the other person as lazy or unmotivated.

· The person with the external locus of control likely sees the other person as judgmental, thinking they are better than others, or thinking they have a “perfect life.”

When it comes to happiness, having an internal locus of control is definitely likely to produce more of it, (though there are obviously other factors that contribute as well). If one understands what they have done that contributes to negative circumstances and is willing to do something about it, they are more likely to influence the circumstance in some way that is positive for them. If it is a circumstance that is outside of their control completely, they are more likely to problem solve how they will cope with the situation. They are likely to naturally think “how will I handle this?” “what kind of attitude will I go into this experience with?” They are more likely to work on identifying and controlling the things they can (like their attitude, their reactions, their thoughts, etc.)

So, if having an internal locus of control can lead to more happiness, the question becomes, can a person with an external locus of control change this? The good news is that the answer is absolutely YES! They certainly can. If you have identified that you have an external locus of control, but you want to change it, I would encourage you to start with a few things…

1. Pay close attention to your thoughts and change those that are not realistic.

2. Ask yourself what role you may have had in the current negative circumstance.

3. Notice if your reaction to a circumstance escalated the situation at all. You may not have started the negative circumstance, but possibly your response to it made it worse or more negative.

4. If something is genuinely outside of your control completely, realize that you still have control over what you are going to do about the situation. Attitude can make a big difference!

5. If you find yourself unable to change these tendencies on your own, seek professional help. There are specific techniques you can learn to change this way of thinking and interacting in the world. It starts with learning skills that may feel forced or disingenuous initially, but over time become more automatic, with a little work and persistence.

Happiness is something that everyone seeks. And it is something that is attainable for all as well. The first step in achieving happiness and overall life satisfaction is to identify what is stopping you from having it. If it is thoughts and actions resulting from an external locus of control, I encourage you to do something about it. Life is too short to not be happy!

Rochelle Whitson is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

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