THERAPIST THURSDAY: Why Are We Afraid to Parent?

More and more often in my therapy practice, I run across parents who are afraid to parent. They come to me for confirmation that it’s OK to deny their child of something, to set a consequence, or to enforce a limit. They look to their child for agreement on the rules they want to set and they are in distress when the child does not agree. This is certainly not the world I grew up in! When did this change in parenting happen? When did we start needing our children’s permission to parent them? And what can we do about it?

Children NEED parents! They need them for a reason. Their brains are not developed enough to make mature decisions. They lack the experience to know what to do in many situations. They lack the insight to foresee the possible danger in certain things. They lack the ability to accurately predict the consequences of their actions. So, they need us! They need us to set limits so they don’t self-destruct. They need us to provide guidance so they can find their way. They need parenting! But, guess what… they don’t WANT it! They don’t want us snooping through their phones. They don’t want us setting time limits on video games. They don’t want us to help them manage their time or learn appropriate study skills. They don’t want us to know who their friends are and what they are up to. And… that’s NORMAL! They are not supposed to want us to do any of that. They are supposed to believe that they know everything. They are supposed to believe that they are invincible. They are supposed to test the limits and see what they can get away with. And they are supposed to think we are super lame for thinking otherwise. This has been the order of things since there have been parents and children. And this is all normal and healthy. We all play our role. The parents’ role is to know what our children need and to give that to them, the child’s role is to object and think that we don’t know what we are doing. So why are we backing down now and how can we get back to parenting?

I’ve complied a few suggestions based on my interactions with families who have forgotten how to parent:

1. Do not ask your child’s permission to set a limit! If you are waiting for your child to agree with you that there should be limits on their video game time or that you should be monitoring their phone and social media, you are going to be waiting a long time, because it is not going to happen. Due to their undeveloped brains, lack of maturity, and lack of experience, they can not understand the reasons they need these limits.

2. Do not expect your child to be happy with the boundary or the consequence. Learn to be OK with your child being mad at you. If you are doing your job right, your child will not always like you or agree with you. They will sometimes (maybe even often) think you are “old fashioned” or that you just don’t understand they way of the world anymore. They will accuse you of being unfair and tell you that you are the ONLY PARENT who is doing this. They will try to convince you that all of their friends don’t have to deal with these rules or consequences.

3. Parent with confidence. Do not appear weak or unsure of your decision. Let them know what the limit or expectation is and then be confident in that. It is not uncommon in my work with families to help the parents set a firm expectation in a session, only to have the parent then say something that sounds weak or unsure and the child, who had just accepted the expectation, to puff up again with confidence and push back at the sound of the uncertainty or weakness in the parent’s voice. Say what you mean, say it confidently, and give them the message that this is your final word on the subject.

4. Follow through! Deliver a consequence if they do not comply with the expectation. Children and teens need consequences if they are going to learn from their mistakes. They need to feel the sting of a bad decision. Parents need to be OK with that. Remember that consequences when the “price” is smaller may save them from future more harsh consequences in the real world later.

5. Set YOURSELF up as the authority to your child, not another person or party. Very often parents bring their children to me for therapy and want me to tell their kid what they need to change. This is never a good idea. If the kid thinks someone else is calling the shots, they will never respect you as the authority and will push back against your limits and expectations. To the kid, you look weak if you do this. So, while therapy can be very helpful, never allow your children to think that you are not the one making decisions in their lives. You can say something about why you’ve learned that something is a good idea and site learning that from a therapist or other expert, but the boundary or expectation needs to be from you. If you appear weak to your child or teen, you will lose all ability to have control over your household and how it is run.

6. Remember that kids need limits, boundaries, expectations, and consequences. They need it not only to become respectful and productive members of society, they also need it emotionally. When we do not allow a child to behave in a way that is destructive or disrespectful, we send him/ her the message that we will not allow them to do whatever they want, that there is emotional safety due to the limits around their behavior. Have you ever seen a kid who has an uninvolved parent and begins making worse and worse decisions, almost like they are trying to get their parent to notice or to care? That is EXACTLY what they are trying to do, probably without even knowing it. This is because it is emotionally unsettling to feel like you have to navigate the world all on your own without any safety net. We all need limits, and kids especially need limits. So, when parents set appropriate limits for their kids, the kid feels emotionally safe to go out an explore the world and discover who they are in a healthy and productive manner.

I encourage every parent out there to have confidence in raising your children. It is such a challenging job and I think we have gotten so many messages about the importance of feelings, that we have gotten away from basic parenting. Of course feelings are important, I deal with feelings on a daily basis in my practice. But, if you believe you are sacrificing parenting your child so as not to hurt their feelings, please notice this and change it. It is possible to set limits and expecations AND attend to feelings. Make the goal having connection with your child AND expecting them to be the best versions of themselves. And please, don’t be afraid to parent!

If you have a topic you would like discussed in the Therapist Thursday column, please email Rochelle at meetme4therapy@gmail.com. We would love to hear from you!

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Temecula, CA. She is also the author of the blog www.meetme4therapy.com.