THERAPIST THURSDAY: Is Your Past Holding On?

I often work with people who have had troubling pasts. Sometimes this involves childhood abuse, neglect, or mistreatment. Sometimes it is a troubled past relationship. Sometimes it is some sort of traumatic event. In any case, many times these challenges from the past are still holding on, still causing the person trouble in the here and now. This trouble could be in the form of symptoms like anxiety or depression, it could be anger and overreactions in the present, it could be difficulty in current relationships. The truth is, a troubled past can haunt us in many different ways. To understand why this is, we must understand a little about our brains and our nervous system.

Have you ever listened to a song from your teen years and all of a sudden you are transported back to that time? Your body floods with the feeling of that time in your life and you suddenly feel very nostalgic. Or maybe you smell a smell that reminds you of an old boyfriend or girlfriend. It makes you feel as though those moments were yesterday. This is called “emotional memory.” These feelings are stored in the limbic system of our brain. They directly affect our bodies and create a sensation that can be positive or negative, depending on the memory that is being triggered. When the stimulation reminds us of a happy time, the feeling can be wonderful. However, if that emotional memory is of something negative, the sensation can be uncomfortable and can lead to lots of trouble in our current lives. Because if the emotional memory is of something that threatened our sense of physical or emotional safety, it is likely triggering our fight or flight response. This is the reaction we have when the primal parts of our brain identify a danger. It causes our body to enter a state of arousal, our muscles tighten, our heart rate increases, our adrenaline flows, and we are ready for action to protect ourselves. Of course, this reaction is very helpful if there is actual danger present, but in situations where it is simply an emotional memory from a threat long past, it can cause us a great deal of problems. Because there is no actual danger, the reaction is inappropriate for the situation and can cause us a great deal of distress. This can take the form of inappropriate anger, anxiety or panic, or debilitating depression, to name just a few of the possible responses.

The good news is, a person does not have to remain tied to these experiences. They can learn to change this. So how does one begin to break free of these automatic responses? One of the important things to do is to begin to process emotions to get them out. When we experience something negative or traumatic, because the last thing we want to do is talk about it, we often just bottle it up. Many people believe that if they do not discuss it, they are “letting it go.” However, this unfortunately is not the case. Emotions that are unprocessed are still with us. The energy continues to reside within our bodies. Even if we are not feeling it every day, it will come up at some point in the person’s life. I’ve had clients who experienced trauma in their younger years and have ended up with severe panic attacks twenty years later due to their lack of dealing with the emotion from the experience!

If the experience occurred in childhood, it is likely that the person still conceptualizes what occurred from the perspective of the child they were when it all happened. So, another important thing to do is to think through what happened, but this time through the eyes of an adult. As a child, we believe that whatever happens is directly related to us. If we are abused, it must be because we are not good enough. If we are neglected, we must not have been loveable. If our parents were angry all the time, it must be because we were bad. But as adults, we realize that things are not as simplistic as that. The truth is, if an adult injures a child, either physically or emotionally, it is always due to the flaws the adult has. It is never the fault of the child. So when we become adults, we need to go back and examine the negative experiences we had, but now looking at them through the eyes of an adult. Trying to understand the flaws of the adult who harmed us, trying to conceptualize the issues that person had prior to the relationship with the child, understanding that these issues belong to the adult and the adult alone. The child is completely innocent. And the adult is not a monster, just a flawed individual, sometimes a severely flawed individual.

Finally, one must find forgiveness for what has happened to them. This is a difficult concept for many, especially if you’ve been badly hurt. By forgiveness, I in no way mean condonement. There is no excuse for traumatizing or abusing another person. There is no understanding that can make that behavior excusable. Forgiveness is about letting go of the energy of that experience. Finding a way to let go of the anger. It is in this letting go that people find peace. It is then that we can break the chains of our past and no longer be tied to those negative experiences. When we can let go of that energy, truly let it go, not shove it down, then we can truly be free. This can be a very challenging thing to do, and often requires professional assistance working with someone who understands the limbic system of the brain.

If your past continues to haunt you; if you find yourself responding to situations in ways you are not proud of, I encourage you to make the decision to work on breaking free from this energy. It is probably a scary thought to consider revisiting that dark time in your life. You may worry it will cause more pain than it will good. But keep in mind that whenever and however you were harmed was not your fault, and you deserve to be free from it. You deserve to live a life where someone else’s pain stops being your own pain! It is time to finally break free!

If you have a topic you would like addressed on Therapist Thursday, email Rochelle at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

Rochelle Whitson is a psychotherapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. For more articles like this, subscribe to her blog, www.meetme4therapy.com.