THERAPIST CORNER: Is Your Teen Pushing Against Your Beliefs?

Has your child recently declared that she is Vegan, when her favorite food since she was little has been hamburgers? Has your child made a sudden and drastic change in political views? Is your child questioning religious beliefs that he has had since birth? Do you find yourself wondering, “who is this child and what happened to the sweet little person he or she used to be?”

Let me start by reassuring you that you are not alone! While it can be shocking or even infuriating when it happens to your child, it is a VERY common occurrence amongst teens. And there are actually psychological and biological reasons for it. So before you get into a screaming match with your teen, let me also reassure you that it is a temporary phase. In fact, most people eventually return to the belief systems in which they are raised.

To fully understand why this occurs, we must look at developmental stages and the developmental tasks one must complete during this life phase of adolescence. Differentiating means to “make or become different in the process of growth or development.” There are two times a person goes through this process of differentiating, once as a toddler and once more as an adolescent. When a person is a baby, they do not see themselves as a separate being as their caretaker, instead they believe they are an extension of that person. Somewhere around 18 months to 2 years of age, they begin to realize that this is not the case, and they begin to assert their differences. You probably remember this as the “no” phase. Whatever you may ask your child, he is likely to say no to during this age. She becomes very oppositional, insists on doing everything for herself, and likes to be quite disagreeable. Once the child feels comfortable in his position as a separate being, he settles down and becomes more agreeable again. Life becomes easier… until the pre-teen years, that is. It is around this time that they enter their second phase of differentiation. This time they are going from their family of origin being the primary way they identify themselves to answering the question, “who am I amongst my peers?” This process can take up to ten years. During this time, they are again separating, but this time from their family of origin. Their peers become increasingly important to them and their family becomes increasingly annoying. This is a normal process. It is biologically built in to them to feel annoyed with their parents during this time. They don’t mean to be annoyed, they just are (of course, this in no way means disrespect should be tolerated). But recognizing that they feel this inside of their body can help make it a little less hurtful and may increase tolerance for some of the moods teens often display within their family.

Take a moment to look around your life. Think about who you woke up to this morning and what you did throughout your day. I bet almost all of it is about your peers; your spouse, coworkers, employees, neighbors, fellow parents, etc. Of course, a lot of it is about your kids as well, but these are people created through your relationship with a peer. Now think back to when you were eight. Then your primary identity was about your family of origin; who your parents were, how they behaved, if your siblings were annoying you. If you were on a sports team it was due to your parents’ decision. If you were a good student, your parents probably taught you to be so. So somewhere along the line, you transitioned from life being mainly about your family of origin, to it being mainly about your peers and your current family (made with a peer). These magical (I say that jokingly) transition years are what adolescence is all about.

So now we understand differentiation, but you may ask, “What does that have to do with my kid being Vegan all of a sudden?” Remember the toddler who said “no” constantly or had to do everything for himself? THIS is the teen version of THAT! Anytime there is a separation, there is always an exaggeration of the separation until the person separating feels secure in their position. And what your child may choose as their topic to push often has to do with what the family feels strongly about. So if your faith is at the center of your life, they may suddenly not want to attend church or declare themselves agnostic or atheist. If you are outspoken about politics, they may decide they oppose your view points on these issues. If you and your family do not drink, you may find your child sneaking to do so. When they “try on” these different ways of being, they are looking for a reaction from you. They are testing to see what will bother you and what you will react to. Obviously, if they are doing something dangerous, it is necessary to take steps to try to stop the behavior. But if it is something else, the more you object and get upset, the more they will push the issue.

If you want your child to give up their latest trend sooner, the best thing you can do is to act with as little passion about it as possible. This will, of course, be much easier said than done, as it is very likely that your child will push more initially when he gets less resistance. If you are diligent, however, she is much more likely to give up this new-found passion much quicker. But if you give your teen a lot to push against, you have just assured that they will continue to do just that! (Of course, this strategy does not apply to health or safety issues. In those situations you must act.) So I encourage you all, to accept MY challenge by ceasing to accept THEIRS!

If you have a topic you would like addressed on Therapist Thursday, please email Rochelle at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. For more articles like this, subscribe to her blog www.meetme4therapy.com.