THERAPIST THURSDAY: Is Your Thanksgiving Creating Irritation?

If you’re anything like me, at some point today you will be overly full of food and hopefully feeling relaxed and happy, enjoying a day of food and family and love. But often times an entire day with family is NOT full of relaxation; sometimes there are things that create tension, annoyances, or even conflict. If this sounds familiar in your family and you find your body a little tense right now, read on…

While the holidays are meant to be a time of togetherness, it is not at all unusual to feel annoyed or irritated with family. Why is this? It is because we don’t get to CHOOSE our family. It is a random selection of people that are thrust upon us. Often the only thing we may have in common with these people is the same upbringing and lots of shared experiences. And while this certainly creates a bond and gives us a base at which to build our own lives, it does not mean that all of the personalities within that group mesh well together. Then add to that the families of those we marry and those our family members marry, and it all gets even larger and more complex. So, if you find yourself reaching for that extra glass of wine to deal with another one of Aunt Mary’s stories, or you have to take a break outside after your mom tells you again what you are doing wrong in prepping the turkey, understand that this is perfectly normal, and even OK. Here’s some hints for surviving these moments:

1. Adjust your expectations. If you know that every time you are around Aunt Mary you are annoyed, EXPECT to be annoyed and decide that it is OK. Understand that you have different personalities and that there is someone out there who appreciates hers (hard to understand, I know, ha-ha). Remember that there is a reason why we eventually leave the nest and choose our own life partners to start a life with. This is all part of the cycle of life.

2. Don’t buy into the hallmark idea of the holidays. This is part of adjusting expectations. Maybe I should call it the “Facebook or Instagram” idea instead. What I am referring to is that picture perfect idea. Remember that no one posts a picture of the annoying moments with their families. Keep in mind that the picture of all of them smiling around the dinner table or cooking together in harmony may very well have been preceded by irritation or even conflict.

3. Don’t compare your experience to other’s experiences. This is part of that social media idea discussed above. Keep in mind that if you are comparing, it is not an accurate comparison. You are looking at the best moments of their lives, which are often staged and not even realistic at all and then looking at the very real experiences of your life. It is not a realistic comparison. But also consider this, that comparing at all is just a waste of time and energy. We all have different experiences in life and it is our job to make the most of ours.

4. Remember that what comes around, goes around. Keep in mind that one day YOU may become the annoying aunt. If your mother-in-law drives you crazy, remember that one day you may become the mother-in-law. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective and treat the situation with grace, hoping that one day that same grace may be passed on to you.

5. Stock up on alcohol. I’m joking about this. But really, do be sure to create some mental health breaks for yourself. If your family annoys you, you NEED coping mechanisms. Take a walk. Talk to your spouse in a separate room. Hang out with your adorable nephew. Have a drink. Do what you need to do to reset yourself so you don’t give away your power to whatever person or situation is irritating you.

6. Surround yourself with those you like and create a plan for supporting each other. Talk to those you enjoy about what you can do if you start to be irritated. Create a code word that means “I need a break” or “please rescue me.” Having a plan in advance makes you feel more in control and creates a sense of comfort that there is an “out”, should you need it.

7. Structure the day in a way that sets things up for success. If your mother-in-law will criticize your cooking, ask her to set the table when she arrives, or put her in charge of cooking her own part of the meal that will keep her busy. Create activities that allow for common ground and some fun. If long conversations are likely to go awry, make a plan that avoids long conversations. Maybe instead everyone is watching the football game, or you bust out a puzzle or board game for all to play. These distractions allow the group to enjoy each other and avoid that issues that will get in the way and create conflict.

If you do things that allow you to have some sense of control over the day, and you adjust your expectations to the things you can not control, you are much more likely to enjoy the day. And remember to BE THANKFUL, because while those we love can often be those that are the most irritating, they are also the ones we tend to miss once they are gone. So try to remember that so you can enjoy this day with them while you still have it!

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA.

She is author of the blog www.meetme4therapy.com, where more of her articles can be found.