THERAPIST THURSDAY: What She REALLY Wants For Mother’s Day!

Mother’s Day is upon us again. And there is no shortage of gift ideas out there! Every retail company claims to be selling that perfect gift. But what if what will bring your mom or wife the most joy is something that cannot be bought?

In my work with mothers, there’s a few themes that consistently stand out that create a sense of unhappiness or discontentment in their lives and relationships. When those around them know what they are and make minor adjustments to their routine or behaviors, it can have a huge impact on the relationship and greatly increase the sense of satisfaction that special woman feels within her family!

The first issue that comes to mind is the sense of feeling invisible. Moms spend most of their days doing things for their families. Their focus is usually on the needs of those they love, and they are committed to meeting those needs, rather that be driving kids all over town, making sure uniforms and work/ school clothes are clean, planning or cooking meals, helping with homework, or any of the other many tasks moms perform throughout the day. While that mom wants to provide these services to their family, they are often left feeling invisible or unappreciated. They can feel like they perform all of these tasks and it goes unnoticed, like their family does not even really see them. So, what can those who love her do to change this? One thing that would really help is to be sure to ask mom how her day was, and then really listen. Ask follow up questions. And then take a moment to really think about what effort it took for her to have that meal on the table, or for those clean clothes to be in the drawer, and acknowledge that effort. Saying things like, “how was your day?” and then following up with a response that lets her know you were really listening. If she mentions something she did for the family, tell her you are grateful for that effort and that you notice how hard she works for the family.

The second big issue that often comes up in my work with women is that they feel overworked. What if you created a way to ease some of her workload? What if all the siblings got together and said that they were going to clean the kitchen after dinner? Or you took that load of laundry from her that she was folding and told her you were going to do it while she did something relaxing? These little efforts make mom feel appreciated and let her know that you see her and understand all she does. These types of actions will re-energize her and make her want to reciprocate with more acts of love. They make her feel grateful that she has a family to take care of! Often times people do these sorts of things on Mother’s Day, but I would encourage you to make them a regular part of your routine instead. Maybe even set a reminder on your phone to be sure to do something like this weekly. You will be surprised the difference it makes in your mom’s/ wife’s overall sense of satisfaction in her relationships!

Finally, something we all need as humans is a sense that we are understood and accepted. This is a universal need of humans, and it certainly applies to that special woman in your life! How can you make her feel this way? There are a few things that can accomplish this. One is to understand her love language. Look at how she shows love. Does she do it by doing things for you? Does she do it by telling you how much you mean to her or how proud she is of you? Is she likely to show her love by touch with lots of hugs? Notice what her love language is, and then replicate it to her! If you notice that she is always giving hugs, it means that touch is one of the ways that she communicates love, and she would like touch back. So, don’t wait until she hugs you, go up to her and initiate that contact. If she seems to always be doing things for you, do something for her. She will interpret that as love and she will feel cared for. If she often tells you how much she loves you, then words are her love language, and it will really make her day when you tell her what she means to you! If she likes to buy you special things to show you that she cares, do this for her. Ask yourself what little item would let her know you notice, and go get it for her. Also, let her know you understand her by asking her about her emotions. If she expresses feeling disappointed in something, ask her about that, say things like, “that sounds disappointing” to let her know that you get it and that you understand where she is coming from. Husbands, if the kids are driving her crazy and she tells you about that, say something like, “that sounds really frustrating” or “that drives me crazy too!” These small affirmations will let her know that you hear her and you get it, and that you accept her and do not judge her.

So, I encourage all of you children and husbands out there to think about these issues, not just on Mother’s Day, but every day. Life gets busy and it’s easy to take for granted all that mom does for you. But if you take a few moments to notice her, and to validate her, to let her know that she’s important, not only will it make this Sunday special, but it will greatly improve her sense of happiness and satisfaction. And we all know that when mom is happy, everyone’s life is better!

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of the blog www.meetme4therapy.com