Child-Centered vs. Family-Centered Parenting

“The kids start swimming lessons, Antonio starts his preschool enrichment classes, and we have a birthday party on the weekend,” I say to my husband over dinner as we go over our weekly game plan.

I can see his eyes glaze over as he tries to think how he can fit in a guitar lesson for himself without totally stressing me out and looking extremely self-indulgent.

Being self-indulgent is taboo in a child-centered family like the one that I’ve meticulously created. My motto has always been: “If the kids are happy, then we’re happy.” 

Except that has never been the case. Sometimes it feels like these little humans have outnumbered us and our lives are in their pudgy little hands. 

I don’t know where things went wrong. I've religiously read Parents Magazine, and I've followed all of their advice, from when to transition from a bottle to a Sippy cup, to playing age-specific games with each of my children to help them with their vocabulary development and decision-making skills.

I thought that having a child-centered family, where the children’s needs are addressed first and where they are allowed to have a voice in everything from activities to what’s for dinner, would allow our kids to develop beautifully. It is quite different from the familiar parent-centric model, where parents call the shots and many times the kids have to behave during adult functions.

Yet lately, scrambling after three kids and their impossible schedules filled with play dates and pizza parties just feels like scrambling. And frankly, I am tired.

I have slowly come to realize the price I’ve had to pay for innocently thinking of the children first — losing a little bit of myself, my sanity, and the things that make me who I am.

When I recently left the kids to go to Europe with my husband, I missed my boys immensely, but I didn’t feel guilty in the least. For a week, I had the luxury to be able to casually observe another culture, and it was refreshing to see kids behaving without so much as a Sippy cup in sight. 

It really was a revelation to me to watch families eating at restaurants alongside us, and not see a mom doing silly things like wiping down the high chair with baby wipes or secretly feeding their kids "goldfish" until the order came. The adults would share wine and conversation, and the children would play quietly without making too much fuss, sitting in regular chairs, drinking from real glasses. 

When I pictured my own children there, I knew that they would be running around the tables within 10 minutes if they had no stimulation, because that’s what they were used to. It made me think that children are really very adaptable and are capable of behaving at a level that is consistently expected of them.

So now I am leaning toward more of a family-centered style of parenting. It means that building a healthy, strong family is top priority. Sometimes that may mean the kids have to forfeit some activities for a little family time, help out with the daily drudgery of keeping up with the house, or deal with mommy going out for a drink.

These kids may have beaten me down, but I have risen with a new game plan where I am in charge once again. I will strive to be authoritarian when needed, always loving, and maybe a little more detached to allow for my boys to learn how to create a little joy on their own.