TomKat Has Split But You Can Stay Together

Some statistics remain grim: one in every two marriages still end in divorce. The speculation is that knowing these figures, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes agreed to a very specific prenuptial agreement. Maybe that's why TomKat was able to come to a divorce agreement so quickly. But given that you likely had other things on your mind before your wedding, let's turn the tables on the celebrities and give our attention to preserving our own intimate relationships.

 

Your energies may often be sapped by responsibilities to career, growing kids and aging parents – so reconnecting with your partner may take second place. Here are some tips to reaffirm that intimate relationship and make yourselves the stars of your own romantic comedy: 

 

Respect each other. While your views may be different, you don't have to agree with each other to value your partner's opinions. When you understand where he or she is coming from, you're more likely to appreciate their position. Even Democrat James Carville and Republican Mary Matalin, political consultants coming from beliefs 180 degrees apart, have been married for close to 20 years and are still going strong.

 

Make time for being together. Connect often for shared experiences and activities – going out for dinner, taking long walks through the neighborhood, attending a class in wine-tasting, couple's dancing or photography. Regularly set aside time for special activities together, either at home or away. Take turns planning a date night that will remind you both of why you fell in love.

 

Allow for your own space. Recognize that you don't have to share all of your interests and that you each have a right to pursue your own passions. Maintain your set of individual friends and activities - a writing workshop, a weekly sports game, volunteering at a soup kitchen, book club. Venturing out independently makes your reconnection all the more interesting and exciting. And if one of you is an introvert who feels energized by being alone, allow for that distancing time as well.

 

Have fun. Free yourselves to be playful and affectionate together. You'll notice that touch has healing qualities for both of you. As you engage with each other, the stress of the rest of the world fades into the background. Let yourselves be kids again and enjoy bringing spontaneity and laughter back into your relationship.

 

Talk. Often. And make it real communication as you open up and honestly share your needs and desires. Use your active listening skills and send I-messages without criticizing your partner. You'll be building a strong foundation of trust and caring as you do.

 

Be willing to apologize and work hard to forgive. When you've made an error, you don't have to be defensive about it. Take personal responsibility for your bad behavior and be genuine when you say, I'm sorry. When your partner has done something to hurt you, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. When you let go of anger and resentment, it leads to a more positive attitude for both of you.

 

Fight fair. Provide a safe environment as you avoid threatening behavior like name-calling and blaming your partner's character or personality. Be empathic and look at the issue from your partner's perspective. Use conflict resolution to reduce stress between you, be more flexible, cooperate and work towards compromise. Resolve hot button issues or put them to rest. If necessary, allow yourselves to 'agree to disagree' on certain topics and then take them off the table.

 

Recall why you fell in love. Focus on your partner's positive qualities and compliment him or her freely. Let your mate know how much you care as you bring back the romance in your relationship and create real intimacy.

 

When you invest in your partnership, your behavior will reflect this deep commitment. You'll make time for your relationship just as you would for any valuable asset. And you'll reap valuable dividends in wellbeing that won't be taxed no matter what changes occur in the codes.