Caring for a Spouse: Finding Balance

Many of us will find ourselves in the role of caring for a spouse or a partner in our later years – it can begin as early as our 50's but might not be such a burden until we are in our 80’s and have health challenges as well.

The role of a spouse often comes with a long history of love, respect, caring and treasured memories. It can also happen to couples that have had a rough road with conflict, anger, and discord but somehow they stayed together for reasons only known to them. But, both types of couples need to find ways in which to care for each other that bring about safety, quality of life and balance for the primary caregiver.

Here are four tips for you to reach your goals and maintain quality in the lives of both parties:
1) Learn about the illness, seek second opinions if necessary and be an advocate for the ill spouse if they don’t have the energy or the ability to advocate for themselves. If a lifestyle change is needed, both should eat a more healthy diet; both should exercise in places outside of the home to allow for a different environment – even if it is the porch or your garden.
2) If as the primary caregiver you are worried about your finances, your options for care in the future, or
your health – schedule a consultation with a Professional Care Manager/Aging Life Care Expert(TM) to help you explore entitlements, community support systems as well as support groups for you. You can call Eldercare Services, and if we are not in proximity to you, we will find you a Care Manager to meet within another area.
3) Bring in a team! This task of family/spousal caregiving can be very taxing even when you love the person you are caring for with all your heart. If you try to do this without support, you will burn out or have a
serious health crisis of your own. Ask family members to support you – be specific in what you need help with. Instead of saying "I need help," say something like, “I need someone to take Dad to his Physical Therapy
appointments on Tuesday and Thursdays so that I can have some down-time.”
4) Self-Care is one of the most important things you can do for the person you are caring for. If you are strong, and connected to interests and activities that you have enjoyed all your life, you will be able to care longer, have less depression and stay healthy. So, continue to go to the gym, take walks with friends, play
golf, and attend the book club, or even volunteer if that feeds you in different ways than caregiving.

Caregiving can be a privilege and an opportunity to give back but it can also take its toll on your health
and quality of life. Make life the best it can be by finding a balance, give up on perfection and accept the fact that you will need to make compromises to keep yourself healthy and be able to care for your partner.

Click here for a handy printable list of signs that you may be experiencing stress as a caregiver, and healthy ways to manage that stress.

By Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC