Why Seond Dates Are More Important Than First Dates (and How to Get Them)

Reasons why your second date is more important than your first.

By Meghann Novinskie

First dates are always exciting.  Tons of questions swirl around in your mind prior to meeting him/her:  Is (s)he going to be nervous?  Is (s)he going to be attractive and attracted to me?  Is the conversation going to flow naturally or is it going to feel more like a scripted interview?  Will (s)he offer to pay for dinner or should I?  What am I going to wear?  After all the hype and nervousness subsides, you feel that your date went great.  There was a little chemistry and flirting by the end - and you both expressed interest in seeing each other again after a hug or a small kiss.  WHEW!  You successfully survived the first date hurdle.

Now what’s the problem at hand?  From working in the dating industry for many years, I often notice that “getting a first date” isn’t usually too challenging for many eligible singles.  A common issue often overlooked and misunderstood is the transition from a “successful” first date to going on a second date with this person.  The real challenge many mature daters experience is how to navigate into the second meeting – more is on the line than you may think.

Unfortunately, many "drop the ball" after the first date – and this can appear in many different forms.  Both clients and close friends ask my advice when they subjected to a complete lack of follow up after a great first date.  For example, you and your date say to each other "I had a great time - let's do it again" and genuinely mean it.  (S)he says she’ll call you mid week to figure out a plan for your next date later on in the week. Then, you don’t hear from her/him. 

What happened?  It's rare that (s)he met someone new that "replaces" you right after the two of you had a stellar date, so you can forget that idea.  Here’s a thought – pick up the phone.  Initiate contact.  Call her/him and ask her/him out on the second date.  Maybe (s)he was uncertain you truly wanted to get together again.  Regardless, don’t over think it.  End the mystery here by remembering that you are human being and not a robot with email or text-only communication capabilities.  Call her/him and don’t wait on receiving an indecipherable text message from her/him that still leaves you hanging.  (Note:  Do NOT exchange contact information if you have no intention of following up.  DO make arrangements for a second date shortly after your first.  Hesitation can be a sign of disinterest.)

"I'm sure (s)he's really busy this week" is another common excuse I hear from clients when a great first date doesn’t turn into a second.  The reality is that everyone is busy.  If you made a good impression on someone, (s)he will make time to see you (and vice versa), despite her/his schedule.  The “too busy” excuse usually means there may be a higher level issue in your potential suitor.  It is so important to be proactive in dating -- this means not only making sure you're in a good place mentally and physically to begin the dating process.  This also means having the ability to follow up with people you're meeting and wanting to make time to explore the possibilities of a relationship.  Your single status isn’t going to change unless you make time to date. 

Another reason many people do not move from date #1 to date #2 is because they put too much pressure on themselves or their date.  YES, everyone wants to have chemistry with their match.  Trust us, sparks rarely fly after one 60 minute coffee date.  You didn't fall in love at first sight?  Give her/him second chance anyway.  Since there is a lot of pressure on first dates, naturally, the second date is where you can really relax and let your true personality shine.  You're less worried about the little things (Should I have gotten a haircut?  Did I pick the right restaurant?  Did I talk too much?) and more focused on your date’s demeanor, smile, sex appeal, qualities (s)he is looking for in a potential partner, and goals in dating.

Second dates and the planning of them can be confusing if both parties aren’t on the same page.  Mixed messages shouldn’t be an issue here, if you are up front with each other.  It seems many single people will “try harder” on a first date, which again, is natural.  But the second date is even more important because there is less of wanting to leave a positive impression and more “getting to know the real you.”  Take it from us – don’t drop the ball on your second date.  Beef up your game and be proactive in pursuing this connection.  You never know what you might be missing, so don’t let lame excuses hold you back from what could blossom into an amazing partnership.

For more dating tips, follow me on Twitter, @MegNovinskie or send me a note at Meghann@mixologydc.com .  Happy dating!

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