Politics & Government
Elon Musk Sold 10,000 Flamethrowers Through His Boring Co Website
A satirical look at current events!
Elon Musk Sold 10,000 Flamethrowers Through His Boring Co Website: In addition to his electric cars, trucks, his boring company and space ventures, Elon Musk has now launched an actual functional flamethrower for consumers, of which he claims to have already sold 10,000 of the $500 weapons. Now I get just as annoyed as anyone else when those Jehovah’s Witnesses come banging on my door peddling their Watchtower magazine - but isn’t this idea just a wee bit extreme? On the other hand, an item like this could just be the perfect solution the next time President Trump decides to tell a member of his rotating staff - “you’re fired!”
Study Finds Women Find the Men Desired By Others More Attractive: A new study published in Scientific Reports, found that women find men more attractive - once they find out he is desired by other women. Hell, you don’t need to waste time and money on some fancy study to find that out, just talk to Stormy Daniels.
Trump Campaign Offers to Flash Names on Screen for $35 Donation: According to a solicitation on Donald Trump’s campaign website, people who donate a minimum of $35 to his re-election campaign will have the opportunity of seeing their name flashed on the livestream during President Trump’s first State of the Union address. Laugh if you want, but it might be a good idea to take him up on the deal - after all, Sarah Huckabee Sanders says the audience is expected to be the largest in human history.
Find out what's happening in Woodland Hillsfor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Man Killed After Being Sucked Into MRI Machine: Mumbai police have confirmed that a 32-year-old man has died after being “sucked” into an MRI machine by a giant magnet. Wow, that really sucks! On a positive note, the MRI results are back - and he appeared to have been in excellent health!
Find out what's happening in Woodland Hillsfor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Slow Walkers at Greater Risk of Dementia: New research found that people who tend to walk slow are at a significantly greater risk of getting Alzheimer’s. And why would’t they walk slow? Who’d be in a hurry to get to dementia?
Ikea Founder Ingvar Kamprad Dead at Age 91: Ingvar Kamprad, who transformed a small local furniture business in the 1940s to the massive global brand Ikea, has died at age 91. When the funeral home delivered his casket, I guess it came as no surprise to anyone that “some assembly was required.”
Trump Claims Ice Caps Setting Records During His Presidency: While dismissing climate change during a recent interview in the UK with Piers Morgan, President Trump insisted that rather than melting, the “ice caps are setting records” during his presidency. Wow, that statement reminds me of the old adage, “you can lead a Republican to facts, but you can’t make them think.” That said, in all fairness - the President is partially correct. The polar ice caps have reversed themselves and are now heading towards Panama for the winter.
Parents Forcing Children to Drink Bleach to Cure Autism: A potentially deadly new trend is developing among some parents, which involves forcing children to drink industrial-strength bleach in an attempt to cure them of autism - all based on the website advice from the very secretive Genesis II Church which was founded by a former Scientologist. What the hell is wrong with people these days? Don’t these idiots realize that industrial-strength bleach is a cure dyslexia, not autism.
Tomi Lahren Accuses Liberals of Brainwashing Teens into Eating Tide Pods: Fox News conservative Tomi Lahren is angry about the recent trend among teens filming themselves eating Tide Pods - and she’s putting the blame directly on liberals, whom she claims are have destroyed the American family. One a positive note, a liberal spokesperson maintains that the Tide detergent in the pods being used to destroy the American family are actually a “low-suds Tide,” so they won’t destroy the environment while they’re destroying the American family.
Nikki Haley Denies Rumors of Affair With Donald Trump: US Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley is calling rumors implying she had an affair with President Trump as just “disgusting.” Well, I do agree with her that the thought of someone having an affair with Donald Trump is certainly disgusting.
Man Gets Prison Smuggling King Cobras In Potato Chip Canisters: A Los Angeles man has been sentenced to prison for smuggling highly venomous king cobras into the country inside potato chip canisters via the mail. Now of course, health officials have always warned about eating snacks like potato chips, but geez - this really takes it all to a whole new level.
Sushi Boom Fueling Tapeworm Infections: Health officials say as eating raw fish is becoming more popular, gruesome tapeworm infections are becoming commonplace. While sushi connoisseurs believe these attacks on eating sushi are a raw deal, health officials claim to have everything on tape (worm).
Trump Repeats Indian Prime Minister Comments With Fake Accent: The Washington Post reports that President Donald Trump used a fake accent to impersonate Indian Prime Minister Modi’s comments to him. Yea, well - if you think that impersonation was bad, you should check out Trump’s impersonation of a US president. The irony is that Modi's grasp of the English language is probably much better than Trump’s will ever be.
Vitamins Claim to be 100% Vegetarian Capsules: Just reading the label on some vitamins I recently bought and noticed that they claim the package contains 180 “vegetarian” capsules. OK, I'll take them at their word for that - but my question is, just who the hell's gonna try and stick meat in a vitamin?
Pay for TGI Friday's Dinner With Smartphone App: TGI Friday's announced that customers can now pay their checks by using a downloadable app on their iPhone or Android smartphones. Call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer to pay for bad food with a bad check.
