Commuting For Ding-A-Lings – Chapter One: Train Etiquette

There exist certain unspoken rules you don’t break; lines you don’t cross. 

Around the office, a perfect example of is the rising incidence of inter-stall talking in the ladies room. This is when you’re in a bathroom stall and someone a stall or two away strikes up a conversation. It usually begins with an innocent yet nonetheless ill-timed query: “Tara?  Is that you?” 

Cover blown, you despondently confirm your identity only to step headlong into a verbal manifesto on deadbeat dads, the social stigma incurred by overweight tabby cats and secret alliances among certain members of the local knitting circle. In between flushing toilets and the jet turbines of an Xlerator 3000 hand dryer, you secretly vow to start using the restroom on another floor. 

This clearly illustrates the dire need for a Common Sense Guide to Basic Etiquette and Good Manners. Thanks to an alert reader in Connecticut named Linda, we now know that such a guide exists. Aimed at commuters who use mass transit, below are some highlights from the chapter entitled "Train Etiquette" from the guide which many are calling, "Commuting For Ding-A-Lings."

Don’t be a Seat Hog. Beware! There are websites dedicated to this rude transgression where pictures of offending commuters are posted for all to see.  Undercover operatives employed by a group called “Pissed Off at Rude Knucklehead Commuters Hogging Optimal Pleather Seats”, or PORKCHOPS for short, are stationed in cities all around the country and look like any other unassuming commuter. Rather than risk being labeled as “the other white meat”, be kind to your fellow commuters.  Train Etiquette dictates that you put your bag either on your lap or in the overhead bin, secure your tray table and move over so another commuter can sit down.  

Ooh That Smell.  More often than not, commuters are packed like sardines on crowded, standing-room-only trains.  With literally nowhere else to go and with the crowd pushing you forward, finding yourself face first in another commuter’s armpit is an all too common scenario.  What’s important to remember here, is that it’s not your fault.  Proper Train Etiquette states, and I quote, that, “A commuter should only raise their hand if they are Sure; therefore, without the application of deodorant, in no event shall a commuter raise their arm higher than that which would be required if performing the Chicken Dance at a wedding or other special event.”

Squash That Litter Bug.  A few years ago, Linda served as the star witness in a highbrow MTA court case.  She testified to witnessing a businessman in an Armani suit, while reading the paper, stand up as his stop approached and drop sections of the paper directly on the floor as he moved down the aisle.  Linda recounted to the jurors that it struck her as being remarkably similar to the way in which rocket boosters and other components are discarded during a space shuttle launch, except that in this case the floor was littered with piles of space junk disguised as sections of the Times.  The MTA takes a hard line against littering which is deemed a felony and punishable by up to 15 minutes of solitary confinement in the train’s restroom, Armani suit and all.

Get Those Feet Off the Seat.  In an exclusive interview you’ll read ONLY in this column, one conductor, on condition of anonymity and who I’ll call Ralph Kramden, opened up about this touchy subject.

TARA:     “Take me through what happened that day.”

RALPH:  “I’ll never forget it.  A pretty young lady was on the train to Grand Central, sitting in one of those four-seaters.  I came around to check tickets and we got to talking.  She was real nervous - on her way to her first interview out of college.  When we got to South Norwalk, she had to change trains.  I went over to wish her luck… and she was just standing there…crying…tears streaming down her face…”  his voice trailed off.

TARA:     “What happened next?”

RALPH:  “It was like a war zone.  Black smudges everywhere!  I mean ALL OVER her white skirt!  Looked like she rolled in a pile of dirt.  I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anything like it.  Person who sat there before must’ve put their muddy boots on the seat!  Right then and there I vowed to never, ever let anyone put their feet on the seat again.  I went on to create the bill that the MTA’s Union Reps recently passed, with unanimous approval.”

 TARA:   (Patting his shoulder)  “She’d be real proud of you, Ralph.  Real proud.”

So, there you have it folks!  A few fundamental lessons on proper Train Etiquette!  Study it, practice it, live it.  You’ll be happier, healthier and WAY more popular on whatever kind of mass transit you take.  Stay tuned for future installments of "Commuting for Ding-A-Lings" including the much anticipated second chapter entitled "From Dusty Moth to Social Butterfly:  How to make Train Friends."