"Medical Heroin Dispensary" Open in Downtown Bethel

Bethel residents were shocked today to learn that a medical heroin dispensary was operating one block off of Greenwood Avenue in the heart of the old village, just steps from a residential neighborhood.

"I'm absolutely outraged," said local resident Melinda Bayers. "There are children walking around this area all the time, teens congregating... all while dangerous drugs are being sold right there! Our community should have been informed!"

The dispensary has been open since 2006, when it easily passed through the local zoning process.

The dispensary provides multiple variants of opium and heroin (OxyContin, Vicodin, Dilaudid, Demerol, Darvon, Lomotil), uppers, downers, amphetamines, and even the basic materials for concocting homemade meth. It is rumored that some parents are even purchasing powerful stimulants such as adderall and ritalin for their young children.

At a nearby local watering hole, patrons were shocked to learn that dangerous, mind-altering substances were being sold so flagrantly in this small, close-knit New England Town.

"Whatth' <hic> hell would happen iffff those people got b'hind th' wheel an' killed summbuddy?" said one patron, before stumbling outside for a smoke.