Kohl's Survival Guide: 10 Tips

Here in Connecticut, it's hard to avoid bad style. Bad style is like a virus you catch with every scrap of Kohl's Cash in your wallet. Bad style is like every time you're too lazy to go to the few-and-far-between mall or actual shopping complex and might just instead peek your head inside the Junior's Section for a last minute concert dress. Trust me, I've been there.

I'm not here to diss . Kohl's and I have grown up together. I remember the day when the Branford Kohl's came into fruition when I was a toddler. I remember discovering the Junior's Section in fifth grade and thinking I was so stylish and "kewl." I remember the framed 90s' picture of a woman with dyed blond hair and high-waisted mom jeans purchasing a farty sweater hanging on the wall opposite the Help Center/Returns desk. By heart. I could replicate it for you. Kohl's and I are twins who hate each other.

When my mom and I go to there together (me unwillingly) we argue. A lot. I'm writing this post to help you avoid that inevitable throw down and bring home something you would actually wear.

1. AVOID THE JUNIOR'S SECTION AT ALL COSTS. Anything on a Brittany Spears-looking model with visible zippers going up the butt is to be avoided. End of story.
2. Try to avoid the makeup stuff. If the product is not sealed, you never know what bacteria is floating around that tube of Flirt! lipstick.
3. Go to the Christmas section. You can never go wrong admiring plaster winter scenes.
4. Bring your little sibling. If you don't have one, bring a little cousin. The brattier the better. They can get you out of trying something on you really don't want to.
5. Try to act cool (that means no hyperventilating) if your mom wants to go underwear/bra shopping. I know it's painful. I know it feels uncomfortable. But sometimes in life you have to bite the bullet and just do it. Pretend you're a CIA agent and if you don't try on that bra the White House will explode.
6. They have good miscellaneous stuff at Kohl's, like panini makers and solar-powered pocket flashlights,  that will inevitably wind up unopened in the back of your garage.
7. The good section is the Vera Wang for Kohl's section. They have decent stuff there. Just be careful: the further you go into the tiny Vera Wang section it gets diluted with the Lauren Conrad for Kohl's line and the Elle line, which is baaaad. If it's nice but not Vera Wang, go for it, but just a word of caution.
8. Beware the Nautica-Nautical-Sailor-Wear stuff. It looks good on the model but not on anybody else.
9. Never venture into the bathing suit section with hopes of finding a matching top and bottom. You'll leave with a maroon bikini top and a neon pink bottom. I speak from experience.
10. Now young padowans, remember this last word: as soon as you enter Kohl's, you enter another world. A world where fashion and style is available, but it's not in plain site. You have to hunt for it. But sometimes hunters get confused and sidetracked by the fist fulls of Kohl's Cash being thrown in the air and the annoying backtrack of "contemporary" music and "Delilah on Star 99.9." They lose their purposes. Their beings. Their goals. Remember this when you're in the checkout lane, about to purchase a mustard-colored sailor sweater. 

Do you agree or disagree? Have any tips you want to share not mentioned here? Have any Kohl's horror stories? Or do you want to sing Kohl's praises? Leave it in the comments or email me at purplepants13@gmail.com.